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Thursday, June 22, 2006

Bizarro Astros Lead Team to Victory

As I listened to the Astros pre-game show on my home from work last night, they were talking about the Twins' starter, Carlos Silva, who--prior to the game--had posted an ERA slightly north of a touchdown and extra point. Opposing hitters were hitting something like .352 against him which--in my tortured, made-up "equivalent hitter" statistic, pretty much means that everybody who bats against Carlos Silva hits equivalently with the second-best hitter in the National League (at the moment, Freddy Sanchez of the Bucs, who's currently at .353). Of course, my first inclination, then, was to think, "He'll no-hit us or some crap."

Well, what happened more closely resembled the "some crap" part of my statement than the "no-hit" part, but we still looked pretty much like Morgan Ensberg a bunch of elementary school girls against him. We managed all of five hits and three earned runs against him in six innings, which technically qualifies him for a Quality Start.

Fortunately for the local boys, a few of the Bizarro Astros decided to pay a visit. Bizarro, of course, is the anti-Superman who lives on Bizarro World (also called "Htrae"), where people get arrested for being normal, etc. Anyway, the most notable of the Bizarro Astros consist of the following players:
Bizarro Biggio: Gets clutch hits with RISP
Bizarro Burke: Suffers from self-doubt
Bizarro Berkman: Makes great baserunning decisions
Bizarro Ensberg: Doesn't over-think at-bats; is fearless at the plate
Bizarro Wilson: Has good, quality at-bats where he works the count
Bizarro Lane: Brims with self-confidence; shows little promise but still gets hits anyway
Bizarro Ausmus: Terrific career hitter who's having a fluke bad year at the plate
Bizarro Everett: Always a home run threat; splatters hits to all parts of the park
Et cetera, et cetera. Anyway, Bizarro Lane and Bizarro Everett showed up and--because Gar[d]ner put them in the lineup because, not being Bizarro Gar[d]ner, he simply relied upon his usual conjecture, witchcraft, and "hunches" to make out his lineup.

Bizarro Everett collected a very un-Everettish 3 hits, including 2 doubles, and drove in 2 runs. Bizarro Lane had a clutch single to right field. Hooray!

Alas, Bizarro Ensberg did not make the trip. Regular Ensberg--"The Vortex"--showed up as a pinch-hitter, once again demonstrated that he's afraid of swinging the bat, and eventually popped up to the center fielder. I noticed, by the way, that Gar[d]ner finally observed what we'd noted a while back about the Vortex: he's afraid of hitting.
It's hard to tell if [Ensberg's] shoulder is bothering him or if the slump has gotten in his head. Garner gave him a green light on a 3-0 iptch the other night. Ensberg didn't swing at a batting-practice fastball.

"He's having a little hesitation in his mind about his swing," Garner said. "He's got to let the big dog hunt. He can't be too fine."
I think that pretty well sums it up.

In other Astros news, to make room for Fat Rog on the 25-man roster, Chris Sampson (1-0, 3.52 ERA in 4 appearances, 1 start) was sent to AAA. Here's a thought: why don't we just waive or DFA Trev-2ER Miller, rather than send down a kid who'd shown some promise? Oh, that's right: Bizarro Gar[d]ner doesn't manage this team.


Blogger Phat-C said...

Does that mean that Bizarro Phat-C never panics in the 5th inning?

1:53 PM  

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