Shafty Phat-C Diablogs Astros Baseball Fantasy Sports The Arts

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Why So Taguchi Doesn't Actually Exist

I began last night's Astros postmortem by trying to postulate an appropriate nickname for Cardinals outfielder So Taguchi. "Adverb" Taguchi was the best I could come up with. This morning, it occurred to me why I'm having such a difficult time coping with this topic:

So Taguchi Does Not, In Fact, Exist.

Bear with me here. What is the word "so," if nothing but a synonym for the word "very"? And "very," according to Mark Twain, is a word that should never exist in formal writing:
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

--Mark Twain
Theoretically, I could just refer to the Cardinals outfielder as "Damn Taguchi" but, at that point, my editor will intervene to delete it. And, notwithstanding his ever-present ability to frustrate my dear Astros, this guy's accomplishments just don't merit a one-word name, to date.

So we're left with a rift in the space-time continuum that can be resolved in only one fashion:

So Taguchi Simply Does Not Exist.

Those who actually understand the title of this blog will appreciate that spontaneous combustion affects at least a dozen people every year; it just isn't widely reported. Those who, by contrast, do not "get" the title of this blog seriously owe it to themselves to head to a video store at their next opportunity.

Nor is Taguchi's disappearance from the Earth unprecedented or illogical, as was demonstrated by the late, great Douglas Adams:
"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."

"But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves that You exist, and so therefore, by Your own arguments, You don't. Q.E.D."

"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

"Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.
I apologize to the family of the once-So Taguchi, and to Cardinals fans everywhere--for their thorn-in-my-side outfielder has now been replaced by a somewhat less-productive alternative.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel you may have taken this a step too far. Mr. Twain implied the removal of the word "very" (or "so") but the maintenance of the rest of the statement. So therefore doesn't that just mean that the player's name is Taguchi? Nothing more, nothing less? And if this is the case, doesn't he belong on the Brazillian World Cup squad?

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looks nice! Awesome content. Good job guys.

12:09 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home