Smell the Glove

Greatest Commercial Ever?

2007-10-23T15:03:00.000-05:00

Well, maybe that's overstating it a bit. But I do love this Snickers commercial:

Of course, I allowed my 4-year-old to watch it with me, over and over, despite my lovely wife Summer's comments that this probably wasn't a good influence on a 4-year-old. So I made sure to instruct Jacob that this was just a silly commercial, and how silly this guy is, and we would never do that in real life, right? Right, says Jacob. So I sit back, smirk at Summer as if to say, "Check out the parenting skills on this guy."

That smugness disappeared when Jacob was spotted several times hurling objects across the room, while bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Erm... Under Construction?

2007-10-20T19:45:00.000-05:00

TWICE now my blog entries have been freakishly deleted. (Since when does Shift-Bottom Arrow, used to select text to justify, mean DELETE?) And TWICE now Blogger's "auto-save" feature--which is being stupidly advertised at the bottom of the screen--has failed to auto-save anything other than "'<>< /div >'." As if that is something that I really needed to be saved.

Teach me seventy-six times, shame on you. Teach me seventy-seven times...

So my brilliant post will have to wait until tomorrow, I suppose. HATE.

What a Country!

2007-01-25T14:40:00.000-06:00

So it's been announced that the Astros have avoided arbitration with Adam Everett and Jason Lane by giving both significant raises. Everett, the best defensive shortstop in the majors, was deserving of such a raise.

Jason Lane? Not so much. After a ridiculously bad season in which he "hit" only .201 and had to be demoted to AAA, Jason's salary was more than doubled, from $450,000 to $1.05 million (plus incentives). Just call him Yakov:

"What a Country!"
Conspicuously absent in this list is Morgan Ensberg, who is also off a lousy season and who has spent most of the offseason in the "Trade Bait" list; Mo and the Astros have still not agreed on a contract.

Seven Things I Hate About Cougar High

2007-01-18T10:03:00.000-06:00

It seems fitting that I would have missed out on last night's 76-71 come-from-behind win for Rice, one of the great games in the Rice-UH rivalry. I couldn't find it on the telly at the gym, and then enjoyed trekking out to the grocery store located in the blighted areas that were just devastated by the supposed "ice storm" that the local media had been trumpeting for the better part of a week now. I managed to catch Rice's comeback on the radio, though.

From the Chronicle's various reports, though, it sounds like I missed the best parts of the game, including (1) the Coog players preening for their fans and taunting Morris Almond; (2) two of the Coog thugs trying to pick fights with the Rice players; (3) the ever-classless Tom Penders sprinting off the court after the game to yell obscenities at the referees; (4) TP's assistant coach throwing a trash can against the wall; (5) TP's and his assistant's having to be restrained; and (6) the Coogs--taking an example in poor sportsmanship from their coach--refusing to shake the Owls's hands after the game.

Which reminds me: if I was going to make fun of coaches' haircuts, how could I have given TP a free pass?

Now that's a handsome mug!
Anyways... to celebrate the occasion, I thought I'd compile a list of a few of the things about Cougar High that just annoy me. In no particular order, they include:

Tom Penders. While we're on the topic, this guy chaps me off. He's a chump, he recruits punks, his teams play undisciplined ball, and he blames the refs when his teams choke:

Oh, and he's given too much credit for the fact that he can never seem to win the games that really count. And I'll not comment on the circumstances under which his tenure at Texas ended.
Old Alums. You can pick 'em out by their hideous red blazers (which, naturally, I couldn't find a great picture of):

They may look like sweet old people,
but I hate them nonetheless.
Either from senility or some other unspoken reason, they think that it's still 1983-84 Phi Slamma Jamma era, and they have nothing but utter contempt for your school.
John Jenkins. Even TP's antics pale in comparison to the King of Acting Classless, John Jenkins. His "run and shoot" teams of the early '90s heroically vanquished such mighty opponents as Louisiana Tech (73-3), Eastern Washington (84-21), and SMU (95-0). The Eastern Washington game is deserving of a few more details:

With soon-to-be-NFL-bust QB David Klingler, Jenkins’s teams went wild, each touchdown pass in the Astrodome marked by an air-raid siren that was supposed to enliven the game-day experience for those fans who showed up.

UH scheduled Division 1-AA opponent Eastern Washington in 1990, and Jenkins kept Klingler in as he threw 11, yes, 11 TD passes. And even on the 11th, as the 4,000 or so fans remaining in the yawningly empty and quiet Dome embarrassedly clapped their hands, that goddamn siren went off, its silly, supposedly intimidating blast echoing forlornly off the walls.

Klingler played three and a half quarters – you never know when EWU might come back! – and killed any chance he had of winning the Heisman because voters assumed his stats were tainted. Klingler later tried to salvage his chances by saying at the end of the year:

“If we’d been trying to run up the score on Eastern Washington, it would have been 160-21.”

The vote-getting strategy failed.
Not to mention the various NCAA violations he managed to commit, dooming his team to suffer sanctions and miss the post-season at least once.
Big 12 Envy. Get over the bitterness from your omission from the Big 12 when the SWC broke up. They didn't want you then, and they don't want you now.
Cougar High. Notwithstanding Robertson Field (which, by the way, I very much enjoyed during the Dynamos' games last year), Cougar High is a commuter school that--I hate to say it--just looks like a high school. It's not the academics; I know (and work with) some very smart folks who went to UH, and their law school's terrific in many areas. But the school just looks like a big high school, particularly on the inside of the buildings. When we (well, I can speak only for myself) refer to UH as "Cougar High," it's primarily because it's a stupid-looking commuter school.
Rice Baseball Envy. Every year, I have to hear about how "this is the year that UH is going to beat Rice at baseball." Before last year, it was about the Silver Slugger series--they may as well bolt the trophy down at Rice, because it's stayed there forever--and the regionals or super-regionals. Rice won every time. Now it's about the C-USA conference. We won it in our first year last year, and guess what? We're going to win it again this year.

You have a nice little baseball program (run by a guy who was one of Wayne Graham's former assistants, although I'd disagree with UH's claim that Noble "helped rebuild" Rice's program). But quit talking smack about beating Rice until you... well, you know... actually do it.
Cowbell/Air Siren/Whatever. With Jenkins's teams, it was an air siren that they played after every score. Before him, it was a cowbell or some crap where they'd ring it out for every point they'd scored, after every score. So if they scored to make it 7-0, they'd count to seven. At 21, they'd count to twenty-one (even though they'd already counted up to whatever their previous score was.) I remember attending a Rice-UH football game in the Astrodome in the last 80's--one that the Owls actually won, which was a bit of an upset--and having to sit among red-clad idiots all game long. After UH scored to get up to like thirteen or something, my father quipped, "Well, at least it shows they know how to count." That prompted one of those red-blazered chumps in front of us to turn around, glare at him, and talk some smack about UH's then-lead over Rice. Sure enough, after Rice took the lead and won, Red Blazer stormed out of the Dome without saying a word.

There are a few positive qualities about UH that I feel compelled to mention:

I like Art Briles, and I love seeing him rejuvenate UH football. He's a class act.
And, as I said earlier, I like--and envy--Robertson Stadium.
And I like most of UH's alumni, just not the old guys with the red blazers.
And the breadth of their curriculum offerings.
And the quality of their law school.

But just about everything else about them sucks.

By the way, Fraud...

2007-01-12T10:58:00.000-06:00

Your haircut really sucks. Seriously, pal--find a barber to fix that disaster that perches atop your melon. You'd be much better off shaving that mess off and starting over.

Kind of like what Rice has to do now.

Of freaking sport a hat, or something. Good God, you look awful.

How Blind We Were

2007-01-12T10:49:00.000-06:00

Explain to me how, in all of my fervor and unwavering support for Rice football this year, I managed to miss such glaringly obvious signs as a pair of devil horns sticking out of this fraud's head?

And that he had fangs for teeth?

And the blood dripping out of his eyes?

And his blood-red eyes?

And that clear-as-day message tattooed on his forehead?

Now I see Fraud for who he really is: a hack who realized he couldn't follow up on his 2006 success with his bright young offensive mind headed for Tuscaloosa... so he bolted, two days after signing a long-term commitment to Rice, for the "greener pastures" of Tulsa.

Without having the class to explain himself to his players, or even say goodbye. Without offering any explanation to Rice, its alums, or fans, as to why he emphasized commitment and teamwork all year long... then left for more money only a year after signing on.

Looking forward to that Tulsa game, we are.

I'm Almost Too Scared to Write About This

2006-11-18T07:45:00.000-06:00

Those who know me well know that I have suffered my fair share of sports heartaches. After all, I am an Astros fan, and was an Oilers fan. Someday I might become a Texans fan, if somebody can ever state a plausible argument why the Texans are deserving of fan[atical] support.

I'm also a huge fan of Rice baseball and football. It hasn't been terribly tough to support their baseball program, which has developed into one of the best in the nation, year in and year out. Their football program, though? Well, not so much.

My father has held season tickets to the Rice football games for something like two decades, and even has one of those special assigned parking spaces. (You should see how enraged he gets when he arrives at the game and finds somebody else parked in his space, but that--and the impotence of the Rice Campos to deal with such an event--is a story for another day.) I sat through my fair share of terrible Rice football.

I also had the good fortune of being a student at Rice during the nationally-televised upset of Texas. The monsoon-like weather was some of the worst one could imagine for a football game, but we didn't care. We stormed the field and tore down the goalposts nonetheless.

In 1996, my idealism died. The Owls went 7-4, and yet were not invited to a bowl game. I furiously fired off letters to the bowls that had WAC tie-ins, including the bowl that chose Utah (whom Rice had annihilated 51-10) over Rice. I also watched a whole host of teams with lesser records get to enjoy the postseason. I learned a very hard lesson about college sports and money. I wasn't surprised, then, when the Owls finished 7-4 a year later and were still unrewarded with a bowl game, or in 2001--when we finished 8-4 and still stayed at home. The answer, quite simply, is that the only way Rice can get into a bowl game is to win the conference title outright so that bowls have no choice but to invite them.

Well, we know that isn't going to happen this year; Cougar High will clinch the C-USA West title with a win today. (Oh, but for a few breaks here and there in the UH game, and the Owls not taking Tulane lightly...) Yet I continue to see references to Rice and "bowl game" in the same sentence together. I've also seen that both ESPN and CNNSI.com have picked Rice to appear in the Armed Forces Fort Worth Bowl.

I'd like to believe that it could come true. That a bowl game could look past a school's historically terrible (at least in the last 50 years) program and poor attendance records. What a story this could be: a new coach comes in and turns around a one-win team with essentially the same personnel as in the year before. A woeful offense responds to a brilliant young offensive coordinator by posting 40+ points a game.

We can't hope that our "story" will get us to a bowl game, though, if we don't first take care of business against ECU and SMU, though. We need to win both of these.

And then hope that somebody gives these kids a chance.

At Least It Wasn't the Cubs.

2006-10-28T07:51:00.000-05:00

This could have... nay, should have been us. When we entered the Atlanta series, we trailed the Cardinals by only a half-game. We proceeded to lose two of three.

Of course, if we hadn't sucked for pretty much all of May, June, July, and August, we wouldn't have had to pull off a late-season miracle just to make things interesting. After all, it's not like an eighty-two win team deserves to make the playoffs. Any more than an eighty-three win team deserves to win the playoffs.

This isn't sour grapes, mind you. I'm happy for the Cardinals and their fans, who hadn't won the World Series in twenty-four years (despite appearances in 1985, 1987, and 2004). I'm very hesitant to agree with their self-proclaimed "best fans in baseball" moniker but, hey, twenty-four years is a long time to wait.

I'm also delighted that the Cardinals were able to put to rest this year-long bullcrap about how the American League was just so much better than the National League, and how the NLCS winner was just playing for the right to lose in the World Series. And as for the much-maligned NL Central... which division has represented the National League in the last three World Series?

So congratulations, Cardinals. Now the Astros need to put together a solid offseason to knock you losers off your perches.

Vortex Focuses on the Important Things

2006-09-09T16:44:00.000-05:00

Are you getting excited?

I sure am.
After all, we're only two games under .500, and an exciting four games behind the Padres in the "race" for the dubious distinction of being rewarded with a postseason berth for finishing with slightly more wins than losses.

And just who wouldn't get excited about that, I ask you?

Whom do we have to thank for last night's thrilling victory over the ~~plummeting~~ ever-competitive Milwaukee Brewers? Well, one of our big heroes was Morgan "The Vortex" Ensberg.

Smell the Glove dubbed Morgan "The Vortex" because of his amazing ability to drag down the entire lineup whenever he's in it. Pretty much unimpressive the whole darn year, Morgan--who's batting a muscular .231--finally got yanked from the starting lineup. And, with a microphone in front of him for the first time in quite awhile, the Vortex decided to focus on the important parts of last night's win:

"I've lost my job and the manager, Phil, has lost confidence, and it's been difficult."
Well, that just puts it all in perspective, doesn't it? It's refreshing to see a major leaguer own up to having underperformed for pretty much the entire year.

... Except that Morgan didn't really do that, did he? By all accounts, Morgan's a pretty nice fellow, a team-first guy, and a pretty unassuming postgame interview subject. Perhaps, then, that quote was only a small snippet of a larger discussion of how important this road series is, how nice it was to get a win under our belts to start this series, etc., etc.

Let's just hope. In the interim, though--lest there be some suggestion that Ensberg's opposite-field dinger last night erased a season's worth of misery and should lead to a starting spot in the lineup--let's list all of the semi-regular Astros players who are currently sporting higher batting averages than Mr. Ensberg:

Luke Scott (obviously)
Lance Berkman
Mike Lamb
Chris Burke
Willy Taveras
Eric Bruntlett (whose offensive shortcomings were rewarded with a trip to AAA)
Craig Biggio (despite his complete free-fall of late)
Aubrey Huff
Adam Everett (whose offense has been much-maligned this year)
Brad Ausmus (see Everett, Adam)

So, in short, Morgan's out-hitting Orlando Palmeiro (the ever-important left-handed pinch-hitting specialist), Jason Lane, and our pitching staff.

Whoo! That's production!
And before I hear some comment about "hey, but OBP is more important than batting average," let me respond:

OBP is very important. But those who bat in RBI spots--as does Ensberg--are expected to hit, not take two pitches down the middle and end up with a freaking walk, thereby leaving the task of driving in the runners to those behind them in the lineup, whose only reason for being included in the lineup is their defensive abilities.

I have another rant about our offense, which concerns future Hall of Famer Craig Biggio... but that will wait until after tonight, when I have fresh evidence of his striking out or popping up with runners in scoring position and fewer than two outs, with which to buttress my arguments.

This Just In: C[ar]rap Still Sucks.

2006-08-28T11:00:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I know; the Astros are only four games back in the wild-card after beating up on the AAA Pirates, blah blah blah. It's not that I don't think they can catch up. Well, actually, I guess it is that I don't think they can catch up. There are still a gazillion teams ahead of them in the wild-card standings. I'll dare to think "wild card" if and when we first get back to .500.

In the interim, let's talk football... briefly. It's refreshing to see all of the "Texans are headed to the Super Bowl" call-in show pundits coming back to earth after last night's 17-14 loss to the Broncos. Sure, it was only a three-point loss and all, blah blah blah. But our first-team offense pretty much couldn't have looked any worse than it did last night. Don't let David C[ar]rap's 15-for-22, 128 yard "passing" performance fool you: the vast majority of those "passes" were dumps and screen passes to Wali Lundy. They technically qualify as "passes" because, at the time, Lundy was too far away to accept a handoff from C[ar]rap.

The franchise quarterback managed no touchdowns and got picked once, on a tipped pass that should never have been thrown; he could/should have been picked at least twice more when he showed awful decision-making. He threw off-target and low to other receivers. He fumbled (although it blessedly went out of bounds). He panicked in the pocket again. He got sacked some more.

I have yet to see any real progress from him; he still pretty much resorts to one of these decisions on every play:

A. Hand the ball off.
B. Dump the ball off to a back.
C. Throw out of bounds.
D. Get sacked.

(Credit to SportsJustice commenter "Scott" for the above list.)

I remain unimpressed with Phillip Buchanan as a DB. We'll probably have to hope that he helps out in the punt-returning business, and will ultimately chalk the failed "Buchanan-as-DB" experiment up to a bad personnel move by the former administration.

Other than Buchanan, I was relatively happy with our defense's showing last night. Alas, Dunta can't play all eleven positions at once... nor can he cover all of the opposing team's eligible receivers. DeMeco Ryans showed promise, too. The defense gave off some pretty good vibes.

That offense, though.... it pretty much still sucks.

Suckiest Bunch of Sucks Who Ever Sucked

2006-08-25T09:36:00.000-05:00

Saw that we managed to blow it against the lowly Pirates last night. True to form, Magic Aubrey Rodriguez breezed along for several innings before once again giving up the dreaded big inning. Nursing a 3-2 lead, he heroically loaded the bases with only one out. Gar[d]ner called upon stud reliever Chad Qualls to get him out of the jam.

Qualls allowed all of the inherited baserunners to score. His pitching line, of course, looks pretty nifty: 1.2 IP, 2 Hits, 1 Walk, 1 Strikeout, 0 Earned Runs. Brav-o. *slow clap*

It turns out that Carlos Lee changed his mind: he's not hiring Scott Boras, after all. Keep in mind, however, that he didn't need Boras around to advise him to reject a four-year, $48 million dollar offer from the Brewers. He wanted 5 years and $15 Mil. Expect that number to jump in free agency. We still probably won't spend the money to get him.

So we shouldn't expect a huge offensive upgrade next year. Whee!

Texans Astros Lose by Two Touchdowns

2006-08-22T21:19:00.000-05:00

Reds 14, Astros zero.

Wow.
From the Astros' point of view, this thing was a complete wash starting in the second inning. This less-than-mediocre, impotent, woeful, dreadful offense had absolutely no chance of coming back from a 4-0 second inning deficit, let alone the 12-0 hole they found themselves in after only the third inning.

And, unfortunately... they knew it. It's a pretty common occurrence where a team gets a huge early lead, and their pitchers relax a little bit such that the other team often puts up a bunch of runs, too.

Not this bunch of losers, though. They freaking gave up. Just like they've given up on this entire season. If ever there were an easy playoff spot to be had, it's the wild card in this mediocre National League. This is probably the worst the National League has ever been, and the "reigning" NL champions can't even get to freaking .500. Collapstros. They won't, either.

Four hits tonight. Total.

I'd make a bunch of suggestions about what the Astros need to do, but seriously... what's the point? They don't care. They're just playing out the string.

Carlos Lee?

2006-08-22T16:49:00.000-05:00

Fresh off the heels of speculating that Carlos Lee is not likely to end up in an Astros jersey next season, I happened to run across Richard Justice's blog. Justice suggested that Carlos Lee has "apparently" hired Scott Boras as his client.

Wikipedia confirms that the rumor is true: Scott Boras is Carlos Lee's agent.

Raise your hand if you want the Astros to be hamstrung in their roster re-building by yet another stupid protracted negotiation with the Dark Prince of All That is Evil and Unholy again. I guarantee you that Uncle Drayton won't be terribly interested in dealing with him again.

So scratch somebody else off of the list of available, and intruiging, free agents whom we might approach.

KABLOOOOOOOIEEEEE.

2006-08-22T09:34:00.000-05:00

I'd said before the Cincinnati series began that--to remain a viable wild-card contender--we would need to sweep the Reds. My rationale was that, at the start of the series, we were FIVE games back with 37 to go. Winning two of three picks up only ONE game on the Reds, leaving us FOUR back with only 34 to go. The number of teams ahead of us in the wild-card standings makes picking up that much ground--while holding off the other teams ahead of us--improbable at best. A sweep, however, puts us only TWO games back.

Well, hell. After last night's debacle, there go our chances for a sweep. I can still confidently predict, however, the following:

The Astros Will Be Playing Baseball in October.
Please allow me to expound on that statement slightly. I didn't say that we'll be playing "Playoff Baseball" in October. I noticed, however, that the Astros end the regular season in Atlanta on October 1st. Technically, then, we'll be playing baseball in October. Unless we forfeit.

I'd almost prefer a forfeit to crap like last night's game. Our offense once again blew chunks, managing three runs only because Huff and Berkman went yard three times. I could say that our offense was efficient, as we scored EVERYBODY who made it into scoring position. Unfortunately, zero Astros actually got into scoring position, so 0-for-0 isn't that impressive a statistic.

I could also blame the loss on Qualls for his wretched performance last night. But what's the point? This time flat-out sucks. The only reason we've even been mentioning the word "playoffs" this deep into the season is because the rest of the National League also sucks. We're seven games below .500. We just don't deserve to make the playoffs. This is precisely why I was wishing that we had treated the trade deadline as though we were sellers, not buyers.

I also don't hold out a lot of hope for offseason improvement, either. Clemens is probably gone, this time for good. Pettitte? Am I to get excited about the prospects of re-signing him? He pitches well only if his bosom buddy Fat Rog is also in pinstripes, so we could reasonably expect him to do next year what he did in the first half this year--SUCK.

The free agent class? Presumably, it includes not much more than Carlos Lee and Barry Bonds. While Lee would be a swell pickup and all, there will clearly be a lot of suitors for his services... and what makes us think that he'll want to come here?

Hey, on the bright side, I'm catching an unbelievably early-morning flight to Cincy tomorrow so that I can personally witness the end of the Astros' season in Great American Bandbox. WHEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Special K, We Hardly Knew Ye

2006-08-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

And so, being unable to find a willing trade partner for Preston Wilson--having already designated him for assignment, it's not like we had any leverage whatsoever--the Astros were forced into unceremoniously dumping Special K and his $4,000,000 contract.

It was proffered that "Presson" is merely a victim of circumstances. With the Astros' having something like twenty games in twenty days, and twenty-nine games in thirty days, they supposedly wanted to add a 12th pitcher. Enter Jason Hirsh. Exit somebody to make room for him...

That "somebody," it turns out, was poor old Special K. The Astros had tried to send Jason Lane down to AAA but, because he's now got like three years' of major-league service time, he'd have to clear waivers before he could be sent down. He didn't clear waivers, so the Astros either had to let him go to the team that claimed him, or pull him off waivers and leave him on the MLB roster for the rest of the year. Luke Scott and Chris Burke, understandably, should not be shipped back to Round Rock.

Presumably, that left Presson as the odd man out. Seriously, though: aren't we forgetting somebody? Our off-the-bench left-handed pinch-hitting "specialist?" Shall we compare the offensive performance of the two?

Special K: .269/.309/.405
Palmeiro: .226/.286/.298

Among these two, how is Special K the better option to ship out? Oh, yeah, that's right: Palmeiro provides that ever crucial left-handed bat so that Gar[d]ner can ~~insert his head into his arse~~ avoid that whole "righty-righty" matchup thing!

Oh, wait. Since Mike Lamb's sitting on the bench most of the time, we already have a proven left-handed hitter (and one who's producing) on the bench--since we've decided that Mike Lamb's hot bat would better serve us on the bench. And, if he ain't there, Aubrey Huff is.

I'll miss the Special K Statboard, to be sure. Unfortunately, Purpura's stupid decision has completely robbed Special K of the opportunity to try and set the Astros' single-season strikeout record.

Good luck to you, Special K.

Time to Catch Up

2006-07-31T16:31:00.000-05:00

So I just got this new laptop at work, and such, and was sort of away from the Internet for a few days. Then... I went out to the country this weekend and, with everything else going on, managed only to see part of Saturday's game with the D-Backs (and listen to the first half or yesterday's game). So, all I pretty much knew about this weekend was the following:

We won on Saturday. The Mole looked to have turned the corner; he looked awesome!
Our offense got into gear yesterday; Clemens was on his way to another win, and we're going to win a series! Woot!
Purpura's going to make a deal for a middle-of-the-order bat.

Sweet!

So now it's time to check up and see how we did.

*looks at final score of yesterday's game* Oh, well, I guess we didn't win yesterday, after all. Bummer. What happened?
Hmm... so perhaps Lidge hasn't turned the corner. At least we went out and got a bat or something, right?
Oh... we didn't. We tried, though, didn't we?
We offered Roy Oswalt to the Orioles?

So what's the rationale behind trying to trade Roy-O, and yet not ending up with a bat?

Purpura: "In the end we didn’t find anything to help."

Ha, ha. I know you didn't just say that, Timmy, because that was your excuse last year: "uh, there was nobody worth getting." Purpura continues ~~covering his ass~~ explaining:

“You’re never out of it until you’re mathematically eliminated,” Purpura said. “We’re not going to retreat. We’re going to move on. I believe that there’s more talent on this team than what we’ve shown in the won-loss column. I think this team should have played better and will play better. The essential core is the same from last year, and we did win.

Hmm. So, instead we got the ol' "we won with what we got, so we can do it again" routine? If that's the rationale, then why did we make any moves whatsoever? That is... if what we've already got was good enough, why did we go out and get Preston Wilson (a bust, in my opinion) and Aubrey Huff (jury's still out)? Have you note seen all of the details about just how bad this lineup is?

As perplexed as I am about this turn of events, Timmy's next quote is the most baffling of all:

"We still got three dominant starters. We have a lot of ability on our club. We just have to get the best from the talent that we have.”

I'll grant you Roy-O and Fat Rog. Out of pure curiosity, though, exactly who is that third "dominant starter" of whom you're speaking?

Would that be Buchholz? Uh, probably not: he's back at AAA after failing even to underwhelm us. Or was it the guy who gave up five runs in five innings on Friday night? No, wait, is it Pettite?

Left-hander Andy Pettitte is going to need to start wearing a coat of armor if he keeps beating up on himself during postgame interviews.

"It's disgusting."

"It's been terrible."

Please, fill me in, Timmy. Give us some glimmer of hope that the crapbag that is this Astros team has it in them to make it to the Promised Land, with its current incarnation.

Or would I be better off focusing my attention on the Texans' upcoming season? I seem to remember some local excitement about the fact that we had the #1 draft pick, with Reggie Bush and Vince Young available.

How'd that turn out?

Oh.

Straight Talk

2006-07-26T08:03:00.000-05:00

Some serious problems facing our boys:

1) Twice last night we got lead-off doubles and failed to score. We've seen this happen all too often... one or two runners in scoring position with less than two out, and we can't push either of them across the plate. If this continues, we'll be talking like the Cubs in about another week or two.

2) After starting the season 19-9, the Astros have gone 28-44. That's a drastic drop from a .679 winning percentage to .389. Needless to say, this doesn't get it done.

3) The Astros are tied with the Florida Marlins at 6.0 games back in the Wild Card race. Ahead of us (from leader down to us) are: the Reds, the Diamondbacks, the Giants, the Brewers-Braves-Rockies (all tied at 5.5 back). That makes 6 teams for the Astros to pass.

4) Multiple defensive lapses as of late have made bad situations worse (e.g., Mike Lamb's not effectively looking Phillips back to third on a routine groundball to first by the pitcher).

5) Our hitters don't look like they want to hit. I don't care what Gar[d]ner says, they don't look "hitterish." They look scared. Case in point... Brad Ausmus is sitting 2-0, a hitter's count, a fastball count, with a runner at second and no outs, and he takes a fastball right down the middle and then moans about it when it's called a strike.

6) Our hitters look like their reacting instead of having a plan. What this amounts to is that we end up playing the opposing pitcher's game instead of our own. We allow him to make his pitches and we in turn offer at them. Instead of being disciplined and hitting the pitches we want, we give in.

7) Compare some of our high strikeout guys to someone like Adam Dunn and you'll see an interesting difference. Adam Dunn is hitting just .246, but he has an OBP of .376 and SLG of .543. He's got 30 HR and 66 RBI, with 73 BB and 115 K's.

What's the most notable thing about those stats? I would suggest that it's not the 115 K's. All that shows is that a high percentage of the outs Dunn makes are by strikeout. But when you look at the rest of his numbers, he's extremely productive.

Now compare Dunn's stats to those of our strikeout leader, Preston Wilson. Preston is hitting .276, but he has an OBP of just .315 and SLG of .418. He's got just 9 HR and 52 RBI, with 20 walks and 90 K's.

See the difference? I would make the case that Adam Dunn is much more valuable to his team than Preston Wilson is to ours. Though I like him, it is what it is.

8) Inconsistent outings by our starting pitchers, coupled with high pitch counts, have set the tone for a long second-half. Roy Oswalt has hardly been himself this year. When he has been, the team gives him no support. Andy Pettitte has been horrible this year as well. When your go-to guys can't get it done (or, in Roy's case, the team can't get it done with him on the hill), you're in trouble.

9) Guys like Brad Ausmus are supposedly kept around because of their defense, but even Brad's defense has dropped tremendously. I posted recently that only Mike Piazza's throwout percentage is worse than Brad's. About the only thing he's still doing well right now is blocking the ball. I think I'd be willing to give that up for more offensive production.

10) Gar[d]ner is micro-managing. He's trying too hard to manufacture runs, and he's making off-the-wall moves in tinkering with his lineup. Can you blame him? But let's remember what worked in 2004 and 2005... patience and not over-reacting. Jimy Williams can tell you about the effects of micro-managing. There's got to be consistency, coupled with accountability. In my book, you yank somebody (apart from the occasional day off) only if he's not producing or he's injured.

So will fixing these issues solve all of the Astros' problems? Maybe not, but at least it may still give the team a chance.

This Is What the Astros Did Last Night...

2006-07-26T07:50:00.000-05:00

Nostradamus Still Works Here. And He's Pi$$ed Off.

2006-07-22T17:17:00.000-05:00

After Special K connected in the first inning for only his ninth dinger of the year--wow, he sure was a productive slugging free-agent, wasn't he?--the score stood Astros 3, Mets 0. I'm not exactly sure why, but I knew at the time that we probably wouldn't score again. The question becomes one of whether the lead could hold up.

Of course... it didn't. As soon as Xavier Nady launched Brandon Backe's slider into orbit, the lead (and the game) were both gone. Sure enough, we couldn't muster any more runs, despite the bullpen's five effective (if more exciting than necessary) shutout innings.

My favorite inning had to have been the fourth. With two men on and no outs, everybody's favorite whipping boy Ausmus grounded into a double play to kill the potential rally. Never-Hit--not wanting to get left out of the fun--made darn sure that the rally was good and dead by ~~swinging wildly at the ever-elusive rally with his bat~~ following up with a swinging strikeout.

(By the way, Tim McCarver impliedly blamed the Nady game-losing homer on Ausmus, who had called for a slider while setting up on the inside part of the plate. "That pitch isn't designed to have the catcher set up inside.") Ausmus tried to redeem himself by "throwing out" Reyes at second, although replays showed that Reyes was--in fact--safe.

As bad as Ausmus was--and I'm inclined not to give him credit for his ninth-inning "hit" inasmuch as Wagner probably should have snagged it--he wasn't the low point. Nope, that dubious distinction belongs to the announcing duo of Buck & McCarver. While an improvement over that complete embarassment Josh Lewin, Joe & Tim made the regrettable decision to have Meat Loaf (WTF?) up in the booth for an inning. As if that weren't a poor enough decision, Joe then decided to try and "sing" along with him. That was awful, and it caused me to stab my eardrums with a pencil until they bled and I lost my hearing. WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE ANSWER THAT DAMN PHONE?

This team blows chunks.

Different Team, Same Result

2006-07-21T22:48:00.000-05:00

New York Metropolitans 7, Houston Disastros zero. Do I have to show my disgust for this one with the same level of sarcasm I did following the last game against the Cubs?

*sigh* We muscled up to slug our way to all of four hits and a total of six baserunners. By contrast, the Magnet served up seven runs in five innings, including a big old grand salami to that most feared of sluggers, Jose Valentin. That raised his ERA (5.65) up above the Brad Lidge Line (5.60). Somewhere--as though I didn't know that he's sitting in a hotel room in Round Rock--Magic Audrey Rodriguez is getting a chuckle out of this. "Oh, and I'm the one who needed to be sent down?"

Bravo, gentlemen. Teams have to be just salivating to see us on the schedule. We're the ultimate pick-me-up for a struggling pitcher. It doesn't matter if he's blown chunks all season long--we'll make him out to be Cy Young, both on and off the field.

I'm sure there will be plenty of excuses offered in tomorrow's paper, such as "They just hit some good pitches," or "we've just got to tip our caps to that guy [Mets starter Maine] because he made good pitches, etc.", "they made the plays and we didn't," etc. What they should be saying is, "Well, they're a good baseball club... and we f--king SUCK."

Question: How Bad Is This Team?

2006-07-21T08:15:00.000-05:00

Answer: Real, REAL bad.

Here's some trivial "fun" for all of us to contemplate:

1) Out of 22 chances with men in scoring position in our recent series loss to the Baby Bears, the Disastros managed to push across all of ONE run.

2) As Shafty so eloquently pointed out already, we had multiple situations where there were men on first and second with no out and couldn't get a run in.

3) Brad Ausmus needs to go away. I'm sorry. I admire the guy for what he's done and for how he supposedly handles pitchers. But let's take a look at dear ole' Brad (disclaimer... I'm sure he's a very nice guy, but that doesn't make him a good ballplayer):

BA: .243

OBP: .308

SLG: .303

K: 44

BB: 21

SB (against): 45

CS (against): 11

That's 11 of 56 that he's thrown out, for a whopping .196 throwout percentage. Only weak-ass Piazza is worse. And let's take a quick sec to ponder how "well" our pitching staff has been handled... hhhhmmmm... I frequently catch Ausmus looking over to the dugout for pitch calls. I also see him being quite predictable with calling a steady diet fastballs... whether the other team is hitting them or not.

What's more, I heard Jim Deshaies talking about how Marty Barrett is catching (pardon the pun) some heat in Chicago for not being a very good defensive catcher (as if that's the reason they suck). Well, Marty's throwout percentage is better than Ass-munch's (thank you, neighbor Brian for that wonderful nickname). Nevermind that Marty's offensive stats are WAY better than Brad's.

4) Gar[d]ner has fallen victim to over-managing. He's trying to do too much. That's the quickest way, in my opinion, to manage yourself out of a job. Look, you've got to stick with your lineup and hope they'll come around.* You also HAVE to win series! For crying out loud, if you're going to sit Biggio, don't freaking sit Skullcap! Put him in CF and let Luke use the Force in LF. Sit The Swinging Bunter. (*see below)

5) Suckitte needs to shape up or ship out. I'm sick of excuses. I'm sick of talking around the subject. A veteran freaking pitcher is telling the papers that he didn't know where the ball was going to go when he threw it. WTFITS?

The Lineup as It Should Be

1) Bidge - 2B

2) Sparkplug - CF

3) Fat Elvis - RF

4) Lambo - 1B

5) Huff n' Stuff - 3B

6) Skullcap - LF

7) Munson - C (I believe that more AB's will show more production)

8) Everett - SS

9) Pitcher

If you have to sit Bidge, you rotate Scottwalker in at LF, move Special K to CF, and Sparkplug to 2B.

Dammit... WIN!

Cubs 4, Astros... not so much.

2006-07-20T18:12:00.000-05:00

Whee, losing to the Cubs NEVER gets old! Today, the local boys relished the opportunity to repay Carlos Zambrano for the embarassment that was the one-hit, eight strikeout shutout he dropped on them on June 5th.

And boy, did they show HIM what was what: today, we got TWO hits off of him. And we struck out TEN times. I'm sort of having trouble figuring out which of the innings was my favorite of the game. The fifth?

Huff 'n Stuff walks, breaking up the perfect game.
Luke Scott singles, breaking up the no-hitter.
With two men on, Ausmus strikes out looking on four pitches.
With two men on, Never-Hit strikes out looking, on FIVE pitches.
With two men on, Willy T. hits a real scorcher of a groundout to first base.

Or perhaps it was the seventh inning?

Berkman walks.
Huff n' Stuff walks.
With two men on, Scott flies out to center.
With two men on, Ausmus strikes out looking on four pitches. (Where have I seen that one before?)
With two men on, Munson (pinch-hitting) strikes out on four pitches.

How about the ninth?

Huff n' Stuff flies out to left.
Scott singles.
Ausmus flies out to center. (Good game there, pal.)
Munson walks.
With two men on, Taveras grounds out to the pitcher to end the game.

Cletus, for his part, coughed up back-to-back jacks to Barrett and E-Ramis. Then, when faced with bases loaded in the fifth inning and ~~goofy-looking screwup~~ young prospect Matt Murton at the plate, Cletus heroically walked the relative lightweight (all of four dingers on the season; slugging .375) on five pitches, forcing in the Cubs' fifth run. Brav-o!

The "silver lining," as it were, is that Magic Audrey was optioned to AAA after the game to make room for AA pitcher Matt Albers, of whom the following was said:

"I think his pitching makeup we think will allow him to go into the bullpen and help us out. His arm bounces back really, really good. He can go 110 pitches and feel hardly anything the next day. You look at those type of things."

Not that he'd ever get the opportunity to throw 110 pitches, with Gar[d]ner around. As solid as Clemens had looked through six, Gar[d]ner nonetheless pulled him after 85 pitches for stud pinch-hitter Orlando Palmeiro, who flied out to left to drop his average to .219 or some crap.

If my count is correct, we still have to open up one more spot to make room for Brandon Backe, who's slated to start in New York on Saturday. Magic Audrey was the most likely choice; now that Albers is up, whose head is on the chopping block next? Or is there a two-for-one or such trade out there that hasn't been announced yet?

Either way, having flunked the exam against the worst team in the National League (even if the Pirates' record is nominally worse), we now go on to face the best team in the league. Oh, this should be fun.

Phat-C's Astro Thoughts

2006-07-17T07:56:00.000-05:00

Top to bottom, here we go... childrens, cover your ears (or eyes, as it may be).

I hate it that the headline for yesterday's disaster on the Astros' website describes the club as "victimized" by the long ball. No, you weren't "victimized." After pounding the ever-living shite out of the Marlins, you bent over, grabbed your ankles, and... well, you know. Stupid.

1. Ausmus - look, I can tolerate your "hitting" (that is to say, the fact that you don't hit and were obviously in faerie land in April)... it's your defense that's kept you on the team. So why is it that of this "run-saving" defense of yours, the only thing that remains is your ability to block the ball? I mean seriously, dude... have you thrown anyone out?

2. Ensberg - will the Body Snatcher that took Morgan please return him? We could sure use him about now. Bizarro Morgan's about hit my last nerve. But then again, he's on the 15-day DL, so whatever.

3. Everett - you're the bomb, dude. Thanks for making plays that keep us from getting blown out in every game. Now if you can just keep hitting, that'd be great.

4. Lidge - pack your bags, punk.

5. Miller - see Lidge.

6. Rodriguez - see Miller.

7. Taveras - you went from being the bomb to being a blowout. Dude, they KNOW you now... mix it up a little. You'd better learn to hit, or you'll be on the plane with 4-6 above. Seriously, I'm willing to give you the rest of the season and the beginning of next year; but you'd better get it together! Freaking hit the ball out of the infield for crying out loud!

Gar[d]ner: Please, please PLEASE... stop using SCRUBS like Miller, Lidge, and Wandy (who's proven he's the Latin Jeriome). They're KILLING us. Guys like this bring teams down (much like Snaggletooth... a.k.a. Tim Redding). Also, please stop mixing the lineup so drastically! If you want to rest one or two guys, fine. But don't tinker us to losses!!!!

That's all I can stomach for now. I'm so freaking going to quit this crap. The boys have a day to contemplate whether they can spread their "run" production out over Marmol, Maddux, and Zambrano. So help me, if we lose the series to the Cubs... you might not hear from me for a LONG, LONG while.

Report Card Time, Part 2: "Hitting" (A through E)

2006-07-14T16:01:00.000-05:00

Theoretically, because the Astros chose to go with the old "fire the hitting coach because he was unsuccessful in forcing the players to become better hitters than they're meant to be" response to one of the worst offenses in the National League, I could simply assign to Gaetti a grade of F, and give everybody else an A+ for their patience in dealing with him. Or I could just drop the hammer on them, as they deserve.

My way's more fun.

Ausmus, Brad: Whatever the reason(s)--even if I may have been solely to blame for Ausmus's 0-for-40 slump--he's currently hitting .234/.304/.294. That freaking sucks, especially because that's roughly 20 points below his career batting average and OBP, and almost sixty points below his career "slugging." He's pretty much an automatic out, and a sure bet to ground into a double play most nights. (He has grounded into almost as many double plays this year as he did all of last year.) Defensively: He's thrown out only nine out of fifty baserunners: a CS% of .180 (clearly his worst season percentage ever, and less than half his career average). Finally, for being a great "pitch-caller," his catcher's ERA (4.41) is the worst it's been since he was in Detroit. On the bright side, he hasn't allowed a passed ball. Yet. D.

Berkman, Lance "Fat Elvis": He's having a freaking phenomenal year, despite being asked to move back and forth from first base to right field. This ranks as his second-best offensive year, only slightly below his unbelievable 2001. He's led the league in RBIs, and manages to produce consistently despite having a spate of lousy hitters right behind him. (Let us hope that Huff 'n Stuff's presence behind him in the lineup will mean that Lance sees some more hittable pitches.) He's already hit as many home runs as he did all of last year. I really couldn't ask for more from him. A+.

Biggio, Craig: It ain't 1998 (.325/.403/.503), but the Beege is having another solid year offensively. Even at the age of 40, his numbers remain right in line with his career averages. One of the joys of watching Astros games is seeing which Hall of Famer he passes with his offensive accomplishments. He's not carrying the team by any means, but is producing well enough to merit a B+.

Bruntlett, Eric: He's a role player, so he doesn't get all that many opportunities to impress. He seems to be suffering from a significant power drop-off from other years, but his batting average and OBP are up to acceptable levels. Still, it would be nice to have some power threat off the bench, and he ain't it. C.

Burke, Chris: He's having an amazing year at the plate, especially given his relative inexperience at the major-league level. While his numbers have dropped a bit recently, he's been in the 290s or better pretty much all season, with an OBP of .372 and .473 slugging. He's also proving to be a pretty solid "Johnny-on-the-spot," as he's played pretty much every position well. I love his aggressive approach at the plate. I can't help but comment, however, on what I think has to be the very worst player photo in the majors:

I mean, seriously, just because you're giddy to be in the bigs doesn't mean you have to look like you have something shoved up your arse. A for the hitting, F for the photo.

Ensberg, Morgan "The Vortex": *sigh* How do you solve a problem like Maria--I mean, Morgan. I dig his attitude, and the way he plays the game, but he's very, very, very high on my s___ list for not coming clean about his shoulder injuries since May 1st or whenever it was that he began to absolutely suck. I appreciate the whole thing about wanting to play through pain, and all that stuff, but he's only now admitted that he hasn't been able to get the head of the bat through the zone fast enough to make good contact with the ball. Accordingly, he's been content to sit back and watch pitch after pitch come down the strike zone. Yet--largely based on his amazing April--he's having one of his better slugging years, and his OBP has remained at almost .400. Still, he's been hitting in the "production" part of the lineup, and we just can't be content with having our third or fourth hitter sitting there taking walks all the time, instead of looking to get a hit. .236 just can't cut it. Despite his power numbers and amazing April, I can't give him any higher than a D+ given how completely unproductive he's been in the last two and a half months. I hope that his stint on the DL will get him rested enough to get back to his old self; we need him for this pennant run.

Everett, Adam "Never-Hit": He may be a sh__ty hitter but, man... he is a sh__ty hitter. This season, he's even underperforming his own sh__ty standards: .236/.303/.357. And he pretty much had to go on a tear in June (.312) just to get to his current sh__ty .236 level. Would it hurt this guy to take a walk now and then? That the numbers show him to be the best defensive shortstop in the majors is a sure plus, because just about everything else about his game is just... plain... pisspoor. (You thought I was going to say sh__ty, didn't you?) F+

So as I look ahead to the rest of the lineup, I can fairly predict that the grades are just going to get uglier. After all, we haven't even talked about Lanedoza yet.

Introducing... HR Huff 'n Stuff

2006-07-14T11:49:00.000-05:00

*clears throat* With apologies to the original lyrics writer, and props to Deadspin for coming up with the nickname:

H.R. Huff 'n Stuff,
Who's your friend when things get rough?
H.R. Huff 'n Stuff
He may not do a lot, but he may do just enough.

Once upon a summertime
Just a dream from yesterday
A fan and his magic pocketbook
Heard a promise from Drayton McLay... ne.
"Come and pay me, Shafty
Come and pay me.
And our boys will win the Series,
This I guarantee."

But Drayton's lineup was in disarray,
His sole acquisition was Special K.
From his office in the sky
He watched his offense fail to materialize.
He waved his wand,
Gary Gaetti was gone.
The skies grew dark
The outcome looked rough
And Ensberg sucked on and on and on and on and on and on.

But Huff 'n Stuff was watching too
And knew exactly what to do
He saw the team's offense go flat,
So he summoned his mighty home run bat.
I'm growing tired of this exercise,
And this is beginning to bore us.
No more rhymes can I devise,
So can we finally get to the chorus?

I guess one more verse is necessary,
This, I think, is called the "bridge."
Let's tar and feather Barry,
And then trade away Brad Lidge.

H.R. Huff 'n Stuff,
Who's your friend when things get rough?
H.R. Huff 'n Stuff
He may not do a lot, but he may do just enough.

H.R. Huff 'n Stuff,
Who's your friend when things get rough?
H.R. Huff 'n Stuff
He may not do a lot, but he may do just enough.

Damn, that just seemed like so much better of an idea when I started the whole thing.

Pitching Win Shares, at the Break

2006-07-13T09:02:00.000-05:00

Having handed out grades for the Astros' pitching staff yesterday, I thought I'd come back this morning and try to offer some additional statistical rationale for yesterday's rankings. There may be some disagreements between the two rankings, because yesterday's was what I perceive as a rabid fan (with a few traditional statistics thrown in); these rankings, however, are entirely statistics-based, without regard to whether I think somebody's been clutch, etc.

Bill James devised the concept of "Win Shares," a rather complicated statistic that tries to take into account all of the contributions each player makes towards his team's win total, and then cranks out one number that represents the number of wins contributed to the team, times three. Rather than calculate all of the numbers myself, I've taken those listed yesterday in The Hardball Times, which I highly recommend to other stats geeks. Wonderful site. They have tweaked Bill James's original formula somewhat. (Without getting into the specifics, each player has a calculation for batting, pitching, and fielding. Playing time is factored in; bench players are not expected to contribute as much as starters.)

Although their win shares are expressed by multiplying times three, I'd rather keep the original number so that it gives a clearer picture of approximately how much each player has contributed to the Astros's 43 wins at the moment. Keep in mind that win shares do not reflect "loss shares." That is, where a player actively contributed to a loss, that isn't reflected here, except to the extent to which that player failed to contribute to a win. (Also, even though guys have contributed to many wins--such as Oswalt, who I said should be 11-4 by now--this number reflects only those games that they essentially won by themselves.)

Pitcher Win Shares Above/Below Expected
Oswalt 3.33 +1.67
Qualls 1.67 +0.67
Nieve 1.33 +0.33
Pettitte 1.00 -0.67
Wheeler 1.00 +0.67
Buchholz 1.00 -0.33
Rodriguez 1.00 -0.33
Lidge 0.67 -0.67
Borkowski 0.67 +0.33
Clemens 0.67 +0.33
Springer 0.67 +0.33
Backe 0.33 +0.33
Sampson 0.33 +0.33
Miller 0.33 Even
Astacio 0.00 Even
Gallo 0.00 -0.33

Wow.

I didn't do too badly, after all. According to Win Shares, the two biggest disappointments have been Pettitte and Lidge (whom I graded as D- and F-, respectively). Not surprisingly, Oswalt has contributed much more to his team's wins than has the average starting pitcher. Qualls (whom I graded B+) and Wheeler (C+) also performed better than expected; perhaps I should have been less critical of Wheeler.

I still wouldn't downgrade Buchholz and Rodriguez, based on Win Shares. They're being compared to the average pitcher with their innings pitched and, after all, they're rookies.

One final note: when compared with last year's Win Shares, Oswalt has contributed even more to his team's success this year than last year (when he won twenty games). Pettitte has contributed only a third as much as he did last year.

Lidge has clearly been the biggest disappointment. At this time last year, Lidge had contributed 2.19 Win Shares to his team's success. This year, less than one game. Like Pettite, he's been two-thirds less effective than last year. In other words:

He sucks. As if we needed statistics to tell us that..

Report Card Time, Part 1: Bit, err, Pitching

2006-07-12T14:37:00.000-05:00

That the Astros announced their trade for Aubrey Huff today--as opposed to tomorrow--does little more than heighten my frustration that last night's waste of time means that no baseball gets played tonight. That further complicates my ability to argue my way out of having to do home improvement chores tonight:

Monday:
Her: So are you going to start on that lighting project tonight?
Me: What, are you kidding? With the all-important Home Run Derby tonight?

Tuesday:
Her: Tonight?
Me: Nope, tonight's the All-Star game and I want to see if the Astros will have home-field advantage in the World Series this year.
Her: Couldn't you watch it while you're working?
Me: Naw, I want to score this one so that I can look back on it fondly. (As it turned out, scoring that game was a frustrating and time-consuming process that I wish I hadn't done.)

Tonight:
Her: Ready to work?
Me: No, I really need to catch up on what the guys on Baseball Tonight think of the Aubrey Huff acquisition.
Her: What, now you care about the opinions of guys whom you criticize just about every night, AND whom you swore you would NEVER watch again?
Me: Uh... professional bowling is on?
Her: Get to work.

On the bright side, I can hand out my rather opinionated and unfair first-half grades to an Astros team that stumbled into the All-Star break by losing three of four, including two absolute choke jobs. Oh, yeah, I'm already working myself into an appropriate lather with which to condemn.

Astacio, Ezequiel "GQ": Let me get this straight: Fat Rog is 1-2, yet this gas can managed a 2-0 record despite posting an 11.12 ERA and 2.25 WHIP? I'd take a break on this kid given that he's thrown only 5.2 innings in the bigs this year... but that was 5.2 innings too much, given the other available options to start the year. D- (if only because I had very few expectations of him except to suck).

Backe, Brandon: Is this going to be his pattern every year? Have a handful of decent starts, then spend more than half of the season on the shelf, then come back to suffer through the rest of the regular season and turn it on for the playoffs? Incomplete.

Buchholz, Taylor "The Magnet": Has shown flashes of absolute brilliance, peppered by bewildering displays of ineptitude. Because he wasn't even on the roster on opening day, and given his lack of MLB experience and pretty consistent strong performances over the past month or so, I'm actually pretty pleased with him. B+.

Clemens, Roger "Fat Rog": I would have expected him to struggle a little more, given the amount of time he took off and that--in between his last start in the bigs--two kids playing A baseball managed to take him deep. But he's pitched pretty well so far this year, off to his usual sub-3.00 ERA. My only gripes are that (1) he hasn't dealt with adversity too well, allowing unearned baserunners to score more than he usually does, and (2) his pitchcount has been remarkably high recently, given to some rather unRogerlike control issues. Still, I'm delighted to have him out there. A-.

Gallo, Mike: As critical as I've been of him over the years, I must say I was more than a bit astonished to see that he's actually posted some rather decent numbers. Until this year, that is. Not that he's alone in the bullpen, but--before his demotion--he was completely ineffective in the one job he had been hired to do: get lefties out. A .360 BAA by lefties, although righties (.420) was even worse. Still, I wouldn't be quite so critical but for that abomination that was the "wild pitch on an intentional walk" bullcrap he pulled earlier this season. That caused me to spit out some very satisfying beer. If his performance hadn't already merited it, that indignity alone earns Gallo an F.

Lidge, Brad "The Mole": Given the lofty expectations placed on baseball's best closer for the past two years, how could I give him anything other than a failing grade? His mechanics have been terrible, and he can't seem to do anything to correct them. Changing to pitching out of the stretch? Didn't work. Going back to the windup? Didn't work, either. He hasn't thrown his slider for strikes, and he's keeping his fastball up. Not surprisingly--especially if he's been tipping his pitches--everybody sits on his fastball, and he's paying for it. For some reason, nobody has encouraged him to learn a third pitch like a changeup that would have kept batters guessing. Oh... and--no matter what he says--there's some underlying mental thing going on. Giving up a bomb to Albert Pooholes? Understandable; lots of great pitchers do it. But getting beaten repeatedly by Aaron Freaking Miles? F-.

Miller, "Trev-2ER": One of the benefits of this exercise is getting to re-examine what I think I know about everybody. For example, Phat-C had dubbed Miller "Trev-ER" because it was pretty much a guarantee that Miller was going to give up an earned run every outing. For my part, I renamed him "Trev-2ER" based on my experiences watching him. But, in all fairness, Trev-2ER has been doing what Mike Gallo was supposed to do--get lefties out. Lefties are hitting only .235 against Miller, and that's decent enough. I'm not entirely satisfied with his ERA although, being a situational lefty, he rarely gets to finish an inning he starts; given some of the other gas cans in our 'pen, it may be that they're simply allowing Trev's baserunners to score. But his WHIP is too high for a reliever (1.38), but he isn't our problem. C+. (I know Phat-C will disagree with me on him.)

Nieve, Fernando: I've actually been pretty pleased with his performance, although I'm happier seeing him as a reliever than a starter. He's been pitching well of late, and lowering his ERA to a pretty satisfactory level for a long reliever. B-.
Oswalt, Roy "Harvey": Roy Harvey is one of those perfect examples of why the won-lost record is so highly overrated. ("Magic Audrey" Rodriguez is the opposite side of the same coin.) 6-6, yet his 3.15 ERA leads the team and ranks seventh in the NL. But for freaking terrible support from his offense (among the worst run support in the majors) and the bullpen (9.00 ERA behind him), his record is 11-4. As it is, he's going to have to have an incredible turn of luck in the second half to get to 20 wins again. He should be talked about in the Cy Young debate... but conventional wisdom will be completely unable to overlook his record. A.
Pettite, Andy "Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel": This is, by far, the worst season of his career. I just love it when sports columnists opine that Andy looks to have "turned the corner." Cletus then (predictably) responds with a terrible outing. His outings are maddening to watch because he's so darn "deliberate" (read: inefficient), and because he screws around instead of going after guys. He's had some success recently, so that means that he's due to suck again in the very near future. D-.

Qualls, Chad: Although he's frustrated me at times, on balance I'm more often happy with his outings than I am angry with him. His ERA has suffered mostly from a few terrible outings, such as the three-run jack he gave up to the Royales with Cheese. Still, he's allowed only one run in his last nine outings, and his ERA (1.13) isn't too terrible for a reliever. B+.
Rodriguez, "Magic Audrey" Wandy: I promise I'll stop harping on the inadequacies of adjudging a pitcher's performance by wins and losses, after this entry. Despite rather underwhelming pitching, and an ERA almost two runs higher than Roy Harvey's, Magic Audrey has managed three more wins. He started the season out well enough, but has been fading recently and was demoted to the bullpen to make room in the rotation for Backe. He's still technically a rookie, so I don't really expect that much of him. In that regard, he hasn't disappointed me. C.
Sampson, Chris: I like this kid. He was also prone to some big innings, although one of those was in a 14-3 Cincinnati rout where he actually ate up 5.1 innings. Two more outs and he's pitched a "quality start." Well, except for the fact that he didn't technically start the game. Still, he zeroed the Cubs (not that that's a huge accomplishment), and shown a fair amount of moxie for a rookie. Was saddened to see him go down again. B.

Springer, Russ "Potato Chips": But for his ERA--which isn't impressive one way or the other--Springer has been pretty effective out of the bullpen. 1.03 ERA, only 9 walks in 30 innings, .203 BAA. Plus, he beaned Barroid. Hero in my book. A+.

Wheeler, Dan: I need to NOT consider only last year's sterling work in assigning an expectation level for Mr. Wheeler. Clearly, he sold his soul for last year's results, and he's paying the price this year. He hasn't been terrible, but he hasn't been consistently good, either. Like Qualls, though, he's been pretty solid recently. That thing he does with his hand in his glove, though? That's bugging the heck out of me. C+.

So the "hitters" are tomorrow. If the fact that I placed "hitters" in quotes doesn't tip you off that I'm not too enamored of their "accomplishments" this year, then the fact that they're tied for worst team batting average in the NL should tell you something about what you can expect from me tomorrow.

Tim Purpura, Demigod

2006-07-12T11:07:00.000-05:00

Due to the incompetence of the Houston local media, all we knew this morning was that the Astros had scheduled a press conference to make a "major announcement." On the radio, speculation was rampant that we had traded for Miguel Tejada, Dontrelle Willis, or Carl Crawford. Instead, we landed Aubrey Huff and $1.6 million, in exchange for AA pitcher Mitch Talbot and shortstop Ben Zobrist.

I can already sense the vast majority of Astros "faithful" foaming at the mouth that (a) most of them haven't the foggiest who Aubrey Huff is--and everybody just knows that only big-name acquisitions can help win championships--and, (b) the trade didn't include local whipping boy The Mole--who is the only problem with this team--and feature a very public humiliation (tarring, feathering, wedgies) of him on his way out of town.

I like this trade. A LOT.
One of the SportsJustice commenters already commented, "Oh, great, we got another Preston Wilson." Well, not exactly. Yes, he's a .283 hitter which--at the moment--is close to Preston Wilson's batting average. (Guess what: .300 hitters don't grow on trees, and teams just don't like giving them up.) But he slugs 40 points better than Skullcap, hits from the left side, strikes out rather infrequently (under 100 K's every season; only once every 7.34 at bats or so), and adds some versatility and a serviceable backup/replacement for the Vortex.

Skullcap, by contrast, has never struck out fewer than 100 times in a full season. He's almost twice as likely as Huff to strike out (K every 3.66 at-bats).

And, while he's a bit of a step down from the Vortex in the field, Huff has played both third base and right field during his career, and his fielding percentage at third (.940) is much better than Lambo's (.920), and only slightly less than the Vortex's (.954). Huff answers the question that I was thinking to myself the other day:

So exactly who is going to play third if Vortex sits or goes down?
Bruntlett? Please. He's fine for off the bench, but not an everyday solution. Lambo? Love his bat, but he's never been known for his defense at third. (He's best at first.) Burke doesn't have the arm for it, and I don't want to waste Never-Hit at third when we need his glove at short.

So Huff gives us the option to sit the Vortex, or send him down. (On a related note, Gar[d]ner announced that Magic Audrey--not Taylor "The Magnet" Buchholz--would be demoted to the bullpen when Backe comes off the DL. Kudos; we're totally on board with that suggestion, having been recommending the same for awhile now. But we still have to demote/release somebody to make room for him on the roster. My guess is that Borkowski gets shown the door, although I'd much rather see The Mole head down to AAA to work on that slider and, hopefully, a changeup.)

More importantly, Timmy P. did not give up all that much in return. That consideration is particularly important inasmuch as Huff looks to be in the last year of a three-year, $14.5M contract, so he's probably just a rental. So what'd we give up?

At AA, Mitch Talbot was 6-4, with a 3.39 ERA and a 1.36 WHIP. That's not a HUGE loss. Losing Ben Zobrist (.327/.434/.473) hurts a little more but, let's face it, the Astros had decided (for some unknown reason) that Zobrist--who's 25 already--was not in their longterm shortstop plans; otherwise, he'd be at AAA already. Given that they weren't planning on Zobrist's making a contribution to the big club (although I would at least have liked to see what he could do at AAA), his loss doesn't hurt us that much.

Oh, and we had to DFA Joe McEwing to make room on the 40-man roster. *pause* Uh, I'm okay with that.

So here's how I would like to see our new lineup:

2B The Beege
CF Burke
1B Lambo
RF Fat Elvis
3B Aubrey Huff
LF Skullcap
SS Never-Hit
C Ausmus

I guess I do have to confess to one downside to this trade: It'll be really confusing to have both an Aubrey and an Audrey on the same team. We'll have to come up with a nickname for the newest Astro.

Baerga + Maldonado > Miller + Morgan

2006-07-10T11:39:00.000-05:00

Watching last night's game was difficult, not just because the Astros made for tough viewing, but also because ESPN had numerous technical difficulties that took both the video and audio feeds off the air for periods at a time. After a long day of running back and forth to the hardware store, suffering through horrible carpentry projects (since I'm the world's worst carpenter), and crap like that, I was delighted to sit down in the recliner with a Killian's, keep score on my Treo, and try to see how we were going to blow the game last night.

Of course, I don't think that ESPN would get quite the ratings for their boring "ESPN Sunday Night Baseball" graphics page if they just showed that all night long instead of, well, the game itself. I immediately hit the red THUMBS DOWN button on my DirecTV remote, giving the graphics page the worst possible grade one can: THREE THUMBS DOWN.

First, just as in MLB All-Star voting, I'm not altogether convinced that my "votes" actually count for anything. That's probably because I haven't hooked up my DirecTV box to a phone line because I'm too lazy to get up in the attic and finish making all of the phone connections for the telephone line that I ran down the wall behind the television. Because I'm not hooked up to a phone line, I get annoyed at least three times a day by the "You haven't made a daily call in like 476 days" message, or some crap like that. Because, you know, although I wasn't convinced by the "You haven't made a daily call in 475 days," or any of the preceding 445 days before then, I just might decide to do it on the 476th day.

Second, even if DirecTV got my votes--which they probably don't since my unhooked box doesn't have a way of communicating that information to them--I'm sure that my voting patterns would give them inconsistent messages. Last night, for example:

Lineup is shown; Ensberg not in there. Three GREEN thumbs up.
Lane IS in the lineup. Two RED thumbs down..
Jon Miller and Joe Morgan start talking. Three RED thumbs down.
Erin Anthony shows up. Three GREEN thumbs up.
Astros fail to score until the 6th inning. Three RED thumbs down all game, then Three GREEN thumbs up.
Rolen homers to left. Three RED thumbs down.

And so on, and so forth. I began madly pressing the RED thumbs down button when The Mole came into the game, and I just considered gluing the damn thing down.

Anyway, I *think* that the original point of this post was to comment on how refreshing it was when we lost the ESPN audio feed from Miller & Morgan, and were switched over to ESPN Deportes (Candy Maldonado and Carlos Baerga). Those two managed NOT to fellate Albert Pooholes as much as M&M were, and we were spared having to see that stupid NLCS Game 5 replay again. By the way, for all the talk there is about that home run... how'd that series turn out again? I forget.

The only thing I'd much remembered about Carlos Baerga was that he held down a major league job for years while flying under the radar, and that he was on my Cleveland Indians Hardball III team that heroically vanquished Phat-C's Milwaukee Brewers squad in the ALCS. I was pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable their calling of last night's game was.

Of course, all of these guys beat the snot out of dumbass Josh Lewin, whose incompetence was made all the more apparent by the fact that relatively-intelligent-sounding Sweet Lou Piniella was there to clean up the many messes created by Lewin. Lewin? Not good.

Finding an out-of-the-way manner to remind Phat-C of having lost at Hardball III? Very, very satisfying.

A Stirring Victory!

2006-07-10T10:27:00.000-05:00

Well, you just have to hand it to the Astros. After a thoroughly demoralizing extra-inning loss to the Cardinals, including a blown save by The Mole, the local boys responded by taking out their frustrations on the Cards, 9-6. Let's hand out props where they're due:

Cletus: Not his strongest outing; 5 earned runs (including THREE homers) in only 4.1 innings. I blame Gar[d]ner for this one, though, because Cletus was obviously tiring in the fifth (as his fastball was topping out at 58mph). The back-to-back shots hit off of him are therefore understandable.
Fat Rog: Two innings of no-hit, shutout relief.
Biggio: 3-5, 3 RBI's.
Berkman: 3-5
The Vortex: 2-5, 2 RBI's (Great job, Mo!)

Things really took off in the 7th inning. In the 5th, the Cards had struck for back-to-back-to-back homers by Pujols, Rolen, and Edmonds to take a commanding 6-4 lead. But pinch-hitter Mike Lamb followed up Burke's flyout with a pinch-double. Biggio then singled, Never-Hit doubled, Jeff Bagwell singled, Berkman doubled, and Ensberg doubled. In the end, Chris Carpenter gave up six straight hits and five runs, thereby getting tagged with the loss.

After the abomination that was Saturday's blown save, one would think that Lidge would be struggling with confidence issues or something. NO SIR!! He pitched a perfect ninth inning for the save, starting with Jason Isringhausen's flyout to left field. (I was a bit perplexed that The Genius left Isringhausen in to bat, with three pinch-hitters still on the bench. Then again, he's The Genius, and I'm not.) Eckstein then grounded out, and Lidge ended the game by coaxing a weak grounder from Larry Walker.

Man, it feels good going into the All-Star break with a win.

...

Wait, what now? All of that didn't happen?

Oh, shoot. I think I must have been describing my game of RBI Baseball on my NES emulator this morning. Yup, I guess this screenshot cinches it:

Oh, that's right. Now I remember. I was so annoyed about last night's frustrating loss that I decided to re-play the game the way it should have gone.

Well, except for the part about Jeff Bagwell and Dan Miceli still playing for the Astros. Maybe that should have tipped me off. Or the fact that Mark Mulder--who started the game--is actually on the DL right now. Or that Reggie Sanders (now with the Royales with Cheese) was in left field. Or Mark Grudzielanek (ditto) at second base. Or... well, I think you get the point.

Last night's game just doesn't really bring up anything new to talk about. I could moan and complain about the Mole and how he is now the property of the St. Louis Cardinals (although, to be frank, it's not like he's dominated everybody else; I think the other 29 teams jointly have ownership rights to him). I could also raise my eyebrows about seeing Lanedoza (1-for-5, 2 K's) back in the lineup. I could rail on and on about how pi$$ed I was when neither Skullcap nor Lanedoza could even put the freaking ball in play with bases juiced and only one out in the bottom of the 10th.

But, hey, what's the point? It's another frustrating loss in a frustrating season full of very frustrating losses. (I told you I lost my thesaurus, remember?)

We're going to work on our first-half grades for the Astros and, on balance, I'd say that the local boys should not be getting their hopes up for some high marks. In the interim, we can enjoy watching tonight's pre-All-Star event:

"Face-Off of the Roided-Up Ballplayers who will Try to Hit Poorly-Thrown, Juiced-Up Meatballs into the Lovely Pittsburgh Sky and Hopefully, into the Polution-Filled River, All for the Enjoyment of Local Yokels with Nothing Better to Do."
I think they've got a little shorter, more-official-sounding title for tonight's competition, but I'm just too pi$$ed to deal in reality right now.

ignites the Blame Thrower

2006-07-08T20:26:00.000-05:00

Let's see, after the Mole blew a two-run lead with two outs in the ninth inning, where shall we begin to apportion responsibility where due?

Let's start chronologically. Phil Gar[d]ner, your lineup once again blew all sorts of chunks, not to mention farm animals. That's right: your lineup orally copulated farm animals. Goats and the like. Morgan "The Vortex" Ensberg has no freaking clue what he's doing at the plate, and yet you continue to trot him out to bat in the third spot in the lineup.

If this is about having a "gut feeling" that he's due to break out of his two-and-a-half-month-long slump to end all slumps, pull your head out. He's not going to work through his problems--whether they be injury-related, not seeing the ball well, or blown confidence--at the major league level, much less for a playoff contending team. If batting him third is about thinking that he'd just pull out of it if he saw better pitches, and he's going to see more hittable pitches in front of Berkman, once again: pull your head out. He's been getting hittable pitches. He isn't doing anything with them, other than watching them come right down the pipe or, at best, fouling them off. Ideal Solution: Ensberg goes down to AAA to work out his problems. Lamb starts at third; Taveras to center; Burke in right. Since we all know that isn't going to happen because we just can't bear the thought of hurting one of our professional athlete's feelings... bat him 7th or later in the lineup. I'd even rather see Never-Hit in front of him, the way the two are hitting.

Sorry to pick on you twice in a row, Vortex, but you're the next one up, chronologically. (I'm giving Lambo a pass on his first-inning error because, hey, we don't expect him to be a Gold Glover at first. He digs the throws he needs to--several of yours included--and he's in the lineup for his bat, to make up for your sorry-ass performances. And he's getting the job done, there.) Today wasn't your best game at the plate: three punchouts in a row (hey, a hat trick!), an awful not-out-of-the-infield popout with bases juiced in the seventh and, when we actually could have USED your walking skills in the 10th... you flied out. You're now hitting worse than Ausmus and Never-Hit. Ideal Solution: Vortex, if you're hurt, tell Gar[d]ner or Purpura. You're NOT getting the job done and, at the moment, you're hurting the team. Rest up, and get healed. If you're NOT hurt, you need to talk to Gaetti and Gar[d]ner about heading out 290 to Round Rock, to get your swing--and confidence--worked on. You're got enormous potential, but we've absolutely GOT to get performance out of you.

Skullcap, not a good game for you. Oh-for-five with two double plays and a strikeout. Eh... your recent production excuses you from further insult.

Kudos to all of the following for great games: The Beege, Lambo, Fat Elvis, Burke, Qualls, and Wheeler. Studly.

The Mole: You freaking blew chunks tonight. You recorded two relatively quick outs, and then locked up. Given eight chances to get guys out with two strikes on them... you screwed every opportunity. This is 100% mental; you've got the stuff to get people out (although I can't--for the life of me--figure out why you haven't bothered to pick up a changeup to set up your fastball), but your psyche is apparently more fragile than we'd assumed. I have serious reservations about whether you have the mental makeup to be our 9th inning guy. Some guys have electric stuff, but can't cut it in pressure situations (Dotel). Other guys seemingly have more than enough moxie to make up for what had been VERY hittable stuff in other roles (Gagne). Solution: Get your s[tuff] together, or plan to be pumping gas somewhere. Maybe a trip to Round Rock is in order so that you can get your competitive juices flowing by blowing past has-beens and never-will-bes at the AAA level. Work on these three items, specifically:

Get your fastball down.
Start throwing your slider for strikes. The book's out on you that you can't throw your slider for strikes. You're falling behind, and guys are sitting on your fastball which--while good--you're keeping too high in the strikezone. If you can throw your slider for a strike--but not hang it, like you've been doing--they can't sit fastball.
Learn a changeup, for crying out loud. Keep batters guessing on speeds, not just location.

And so we're back where we started: Gar[d]ner. Why, oh why, did you bring in Roy-O in relief, with at least three guys I can think of who would have been available? Borkowski's capable of giving you several innings (if your concern is that the game will drag on), and--if Roy needs work--you have the means with which to get him into the game on Tuesday in Pittsburgh.

It almost seems like you're trying to get L's tacked onto him. Your lineups have completely sucked (i.e., Vortex hitting third and killing our rallies) every time he's pitched. He's now been stuck with two straight complete game losses. Today, you throw him into an awful situation: your "closer" has just blown a two-run lead, your team's morale is down, and Roy gets to face Pooholes right off the bat, on two days of rest? Tsk, tsk. Poor Roy.

Let's see what's on deck for tomorrow... *flips open his Treo* Cletus against... Chris Carpenter. Aw hell, I better start writing tomorrow's post-mortem tonight.

Mario Williams Interview Astros Game Not Enjoyed by All

2006-07-08T07:26:00.000-05:00

Again demonstrating the well-known fact that the Astros really don't know how to handle success (well, relative success--they were still THIRD in the division), the local boys gift-wrapped and handed last night's game back to the Cardinals.

I knew it was over during the pregame show when they tacked up the Astros lineup, and--lo and behold--the Vortex was slotted to bat third in the lineup again. To his credit, Morgan's performance last night wasn't completely worthless. However, because he's ... well, the Vortex... his vortex-likeness meant that the guys hitting ahead of him had absolutely no chance to get on base for him to ~~strand~~ drive in, having been sucked into the complete suckiness that has been Morgan Ensberg's sucky May, June, and (so far) July.

If that last paragraph was difficult to slog through, it's because I lost my thesaurus. Sorry, Uncle Kent.

Although the boxscore this morning will list Morgan as being 2-for-3 with a home run (which was well-deserved, well-hit, and pretty much useless with nobody else on base ahead of him), let's not forget that his first "hit" was a real screamer of a 60 foot, 6 inch bouncer that Jason Marquis was unable to come up with. Uh, "hit." Even the announcers later acknowledged that Morgan's 6th inning shot may have resulted, at least in part, by the fact that he was relaxed after having already collected an earlier "baseknock."

I guess that means that Morgan is due for good, quality at-bats only if he's lucked into a "hit" earlier in the game. That doesn't bode well for us, and provides yet another reason why he should NOT be hitting third.

Magic Audrey added another game's worth of anecdotal evidence as to why she--and not the Magnet (Taylor Buchholz) should be the one to cough up a rotation spot if/when Backe returns from injury. Four earned runs in only five innings; once again we were forced to ask the bullpen to throw four innings. That's twice in a row that Audrey has failed to make it out of the 6th inning. (Last night, he didn't even get there.) He hasn't pitched seven innings in over a month now. Yet he's still our club leader with nine wins, virtually guaranteeing him of remaining in the rotation despite a 5+ ERA.

Wins are One of the Most Useless Stats
for Judging Pitching Performance.
As Phat-C observed the other day, Audrey is this year's version of Jerry-o-me Robertson, who somehow won 15 (with incredible run support) despite incompetence.

Speaking of incompetence, I would probably be more critical of Audrey's performance in the fourth inning had I been able to ... you know, actually see what was going on. Instead, the camera crew focused most of its attention making sure that we could all see Mario Williams's face during his on-air interview with the broadcasters. Because, you know, we really need to be able to see Mario to be able to comprehend what he's saying, because it's not like he's miked up or anything.

When they actually focused the cameras on the on-the-field action, they inexplicably showed everything from the behind-home-plate camera. It was therefore virtually impossible to see what was going on, since that's pretty much the very worst angle with which to watch a ballgame on television. Biggio's error/inability to field a grounder up the middle? Had to see that on replay. In fact, pretty much the entire inning had to be watched when they switched to another camera for replay.

So that's pretty much about it. Skullcap had another nice game last night, as did Berkman. Too bad both efforts were wasted by an otherwise across-the-board pisspot of a game. We face rookie Reyes today; I'm sure that will turn out just fine given that we have absolutely no trouble with guys we haven't faced before.

Eureka!

2006-07-07T12:37:00.000-05:00

This weekend I was flipping channels and ran across a showing of National Lampoon's European Vacation. I used to love that movie. Many many years later, I still think it's above-average, especially when compared to that piece of crap Vegas Vacation, which I actually skipped a law school class to go see.

The only redeeming quality to Vegas Vacation is that it featured the by-far hottest of the usually forgettable Audrey Griswolds: Marisol Nichols:

Yer.

Gawkman may disagree, having found Juliette Lewis to be Pluhbabe-worthy. Erm, no.

What was odd about seeing European Vacation was that it was being televised on the "ABC Family" channel. Those who saw this movie when it first came out remember that the only resemblance this movie has to a family movie is that...

Well, it's about a family.

After all, the only Internet entry I can find about the actress who played "Claudia" is that she had a short but "memorable" role in the movie. Let's just say that--no surprise--the "memorable" part of her role in the movie was omitted in the ABC Family version.

As I was watching the movie, however, I kept getting stuck on the actress who then played Audrey Griswold. Her name was Dana Hill, and I read somewhere that she passed away in 1996 or so following a diabetes-related stroke. That's too bad; while I hadn't thought her to be the most attractive of the Audreys, she gets my vote for the funniest of them.

But I kept thinking, "Damn, she really looks like somebody I know."

Then, as I pulled up Astros.com today and saw the prospective pitching matchup, I figured out who Audrey Griswold looks like:

Wandy Rodriguez.

Just to be safe, the Astros ought to consider keeping Wandy away from any post-game buffets, for fear that he'll pull an Audrey and balloon up to ~~266~~ 250 pounds like Fat Sidney Ponson.

Beating King Hippo = Palliative

2006-07-07T09:32:00.000-05:00

Let us first offer thanks for the young stud that is The Magnet. Although I'm curious at what led Gar[d]ner to lift him after only 86 pitches, Buchholz stymied the vaunted Cardinals lineup by allowing only three hits, one walk, and two runs. I'm even tempted to give him a bye on the two-run dinger he coughed up to Lassie Edmonds, if only because I was astonished that Buchholz threw him a fastball. Let's all repeat after me:

Don't throw hittable fastballs to Lassie.
Got that? Good. For the life of me, I can't fathom why anybody throws a hittable fastball to Lassie, just as I am by the curious question of why anybody would ever throw anything but breaking pitches to Craig Biggio. Lassie is ALWAYS guessing fastball and, sure enough, The Magnet threw him one that was deposited in the upper deck.

Let us also offer thanks to Gar[d]ner for--if not demoting The Vortex--at least dropping him to seventh in the lineup. As we've been insisting for some time (on our marathon break-down-each-play telephone conversations), that the Vortex is taking walks isn't necessarily bad; we certainly don't want him to swing at bad pitches. But the Chronicle finally acknowledged what we've been saying for some time:

Although Ensberg has drawn enough walks to have a decent on-base percentage, his job description is to drive in runs and not settle for an 0-for-2 and two walks on a regular basis.

The next step, of course, will be to demote him to AAA if his struggles continue. As poorly as Ausmus has hit in the past few weeks, Ensberg is now hitting WORSE. He's also hitting worse than Adam Everett who, until June began, was waging a mighty struggle against a slick-hitting pornstached shortstop from the 70s. (BTW, I just saw that, as of May 30th, we had anonymous visitors! Content is king, baby.)

So it's a win, and another game closer to the Satanic Red Fowl, and so I'll therefore take it. The problem with wins, though, is that they can--as here--mask BIG problems. In that sense, then, last night's win only offered palliative relief against the aching pain that is our (lack of) offense.

The Red Fowl limped into last night's game; their entire team's ERA in June was something like 5.59. Among their rotation, only Carpenter has been consistently putting up good numbers. That they resorted to "bolstering" their rotation with piss-poor Jeff Weaver speaks VOLUMES as to their desperation. Last night's starter, then, was ~~King Hippo~~ Fat Sidney Ponson:

ESPN now lists him as 6'1", 250 pounds. He used to be listed as 6'1", 266. Whatever the number... that's farking FAT.

In fact, Sir Ponson is such a fat ass that when he walks down the street, people say, "DAMMIT, that is a BIG FAT ASS!"

After giving up six earned runs in only 2.2 innings to the Royales with Cheese, Fat Sid was sporting a FAT 5.60 ERA. Enter the Astros, who "battered" him with all of FOUR hits in six innings. But for Aaron Miles's gaffe, we would have needed P-Dawg's 8th inning RBI just to tie the game at 2. (BTW, kudos to the Vortex's clutch GIDP with bases loaded and nobody out last night. *slow clap*)

Tonight features Jason Marquis versus "Magic" Wandy Rodriguez, who has to be thanking the gods--given the Magnet's recent dominance--that he is still considered to remain "a lock" for the rotation when Backe returns from injury. Last night was the Magnet's fifth consecutive strong outing; he hasn't struggled since being battered by the Cubs a month ago during Carlos Zambrano's near no-no.

Wandy? Not quite as strong over the same period.

Given our apparent embarrassment of riches in the starting pitching department (don't forget that Chris Sampson and Jason Hirsch are pwning opponents 150 miles away in Round Rock), it's now time to do something about the just-plain embarrassment that is our "offense."

Today's Stupid Trade Suggestion

2006-07-06T14:03:00.000-05:00

I hate listening to sports talk radio or Astros post-game shows when callers propose trades. I have NEVER heard of one that (a) would be good for the Astros, (b) would actually entice the other team to give up their star player, and (c) makes financial sense. By contrast, I've heard TONS of "why don't we trade our 3 underperforming players for Albert Pujols" suggestions. STUPID! Would you trade away your best player for 3 average ones?

So I'm reading Richard Justice's blog from a few days ago, and he was realistically pointing out that--to acquire a bat--the Astros are going to have to give up something that HURTS. Chris Burke, Jason Hirsch, Hunter Pence sort of HURT.

So here was the suggestion from one idiot who chose to respond:

A quick comment about the astros... what if we gave up Lane, Taveras, Everett for Miguel Tejada?

Do you think that will be enough. We need a bat to protect berkman. Imagine this lineup

Biggo 2B
Burke CF
Berkman RF
Lamb 1B
Tejada SS
Wilson LF
Ensberg 3B
Ausmus/Munson C
Pitcher

Who would you pitch around? Do you think we will lose much defense with Tejada?

Let's just take a look at this proposal, shall we? First, what we would get:

Player		BA		OBP		SLG
Miguel Tejada		.311		.361		.504

So here's all that we would have to give up:

Willy Taveras	.260	.315	.317
Jason Lane	.207	.336	.399
Adam Everett	.240	.290	.327

Ohmigod PULL THE TRIGGER RIGHT NOW!!!!

*sigh* This proposal would have us shipping out a weak-hitting "defensive specialist" shortstop and two guys who can't crack one of the NL's worst lineups for a former MVP who--although he's past his ~~roid~~ best statistical years--continues to put up big numbers. By the way, although he wasn't doing too much for the Cubs, the Orioles have a serviceable center fielder--with better stats than Willy T.--already.

Another commenter suggested that the very best GMs can pry away star talent without giving up anything in return, citing Beltran as an example. Well, even if Dotel and a catching prospect who could supposedly hit counts as "nothing in return," keep in mind that the Royals were ready to let Beltran go because he was about to become a free agent, he had told them not to try to re-sign him because he was going to test the market, he was represented by Scott Boras, and they are in perpetual rebuilding mode.

The Orioles and Tejada don't fit that mold. Tejada isn't in a walk year; he just doesn't enjoy living and playing in the STD Capital of the World. He wants to take their ridiculous money, earn the same money, but play somewhere nicer. Kind of like A-Rod.

And the O's would want good young pitching. Such as Jason Hirsch who--at the moment--is 10-2 with a 2.28 ERA and better than a 2:1 strikeout-to-walk ratio at AAA Round Rock.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't try to trade for Tejada. I just freaking hate seeing stupid trade proposals. Expect to give up something BIG if you want something BIG in return. (I'm not even going to comment on the "trade Ensberg, Lane, Qualls, Wilson, and Taveras for Android Jones" proposal. YOU CAN'T FREAKING STACK THESE GUY'S BATTING AVERAGES TOGETHER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. NOBODY WANTS THESE GUYS!)

Oswalt Throws Chair at Teammates; Clemens Points and Declares, "Ha, Ha."

2006-07-06T11:23:00.000-05:00

HOUSTON- After becoming the first pitcher in four years to toss two straight complete-game losses, frustrated Roy Oswalt vented his wrath by picking up chairs in the clubhouse and forcibly hurling them at his teammates.

PUNCHLINE: Although Oswalt's aim was good, and the chairs were perfectly placed, the Astros managed to miss hitting the chairs anyway. Thanks, you've been great. Enjoy the shrimp cocktails; I'll be here all week.

True to form, Oswalt demurred when asked about his team's complete lack of offensive support that caused him to suffer a 1-0 loss: "You can do all you can do, and hopefully it will turn around sometime."

Without getting into the details of yet another poor offensive outing by the local boys, I'll hit on a few of the most cogent observations:

Brad Ausmus snapped an 0-for-40 hitless streak when ~~E-Ramis committed an error on his fourth-inning grounder~~ ~~the scorer took pity on him~~ he singled in the fourth inning. Congrats, Brad. I could take all the blame by pointing out that it was my fault for jinxing him in the Galleria video arcade when I informed him--while he was trouncing his daughters in a driving game--that, at the time, I would have been batting him fifth in the lineup. At the time, that statement was true. Unbeknownst to either of us, however, that comment caused poor Brad to spiral into a ridiculous club-record (for a non-pitcher) 40 at-bats without a hit.

But I'm not going to take the blame, because (a) the statement was correct at the time, and (b) Ausmus is a career .255 hitter who was due to go through at least some slumping. I'm not going to go so far as to name Ausmus to the dubious No-Star Team, which I think is a particularly tasteless and unnecessary exercise, but we all knew he was not going to end the season with a batting average higher than .270 or so.
Gar[d]ner resorted to more of his "play the percentages" bullcrap last night when he started Eric Bruntlett in place of Adam Everett who--by the way--has been hitting well since the beginning of June:
Eric Bruntlett started at shortstop Wednesday in place of Adam Everett, whom manager Phil Garner said might be getting more days off against lefthanders.

Lefty Sean Marshall started for the Cubs.

Everett entered Wednesday hitting .188 (9-for-48) against lefthanders; Bruntlett was hitting .455 (10-for-22).

Garner also moved third baseman Morgan Ensberg back to the third spot in the lineup after a couple of days in the No. 6 hole.
So here's our diablog on the subject:
Phat-C: This is why I hate stat-driven decisions in baseball; When you're on a win streak, you DON'T MESS WITH THE LINEUP!!!!

Shafty: Statistics can be very helpful in baseball, but making lineup decisions based solely on situational statistics is asinine. For example, I subscribe to the theory that you typically--only a general rule as there are exceptions--put your four best OBP guys as the top four hitters in the lineup. Best overall hitter is #3. High BA as #2. Slugging percentage (along with BA) drive #4, #5, and #6 spots. Typically a crapshoot for #7 and #8, although better of the two (or, in our case, less unproductive) hits #7.

Those are for the season, however. Situational statistics should be used rather sparingly. You don't decide, "Hey, Ausmus has hit lefthanders well so, even though I'd ordinarily slot him 8th, today he goes 3rd." Nor can you place too much emphasis on "this particular hitter has hit this particular pitcher well in the past." You know what that means, since baseball is a game of averages? It means he's probably DUE to slide back to the norm against that pitcher. It's rare to find a hitter who can duplicate success--above that of his success against other pitchers or other hitters' success against that pitcher--against a given pitcher over a LONG term. In those cases, you're probably better off going with the better long-term guy because you can pretty much assume that the better short-term guy's success is going to average out; in short, he's statistically MORE likely to get out than somebody with long-term success. In that case, long-term statistics actually REJECT the manager's idea.

So I'd agree with you, to some extent. I don't hate stat-driven decisions, if they're well-reasoned, have a LARGE body of work in support of them (such as a season's worth of at-bats), and are not just outright flukish. Situational-statistics-based decisions, however, I do not support.

Everett/Bruntlett is a perfect example of that. Right now, Everett has been among the league leading hitters since June. Yes, he's going to slide back to norm, except that his CAREER batting average is higher than what he's sporting right now. That would seem to suggest that he's better off staying in the lineup now, because he's hot and his average should creep back up to his career average--which means he's due for some more baseknocks.

Bruntlett, by contrast, has only 22 at-bats against lefties. That's not statistically significant enough to draw conclusions such as, "Bruntlett hits lefties better than Everett."

Case in point: Bruntlett cannot be said to have had any decent at-bats last night.
1. Struck out looking on 4 pitches.
2. Reached on a fielder's choice because hit a weak grounder to the pitcher, and Lane--who had stroked a nice double--was consequently killed in a rundown.
3. Fouled out to the catcher.
4. Grounded out to second.
I know it's not fair to use hindsight alone to make decisions but, hey, Gar[d]ner's rationale was iffy at best to begin with.

So, anyway, we're back in the mix with four at home against the Satanic Red Fowl, who just obtained "disappointing" malcontent and pretty much just all-aroound jerkwad Jeff Weaver from the Angels. That means two things:

He'll fit right in in the StL clubhouse.
He'll probably pitch in this series, AND beat the hell out of us.

sigh

2006-06-29T17:02:00.000-05:00

It's not that I've lost interest in posting on StG. It's just that I'm waiting for the Astros to, you know, win a game so I have something to talk about.

That may be quite a while.

This Team

2006-06-28T08:14:00.000-05:00

Sucks.

Roger pitched another good game, only to get no run support from his offense and a world-class job by C.B. behind the plate.

Don't forget, C.B. was the bro who tossed Berkman for throwing his helmet down. If that happened in the American League, everybody would be on suspension.

Now our hopes of salvaging a game are pinned on the wonderfully prolific Cletus. Good thing he's in top form this season.

Let's see... that makes one (Royals), two (Twins), three (White Sux), FOUR (Tigers) straight series we've lost. And what's more... the Cards are in a tailspin, and the Reds are up and down, so we've gained NO ground in our division. While the announcers view this as a positive ("Hey, at least we haven't lost ground..."), I see it as a negative. The Cards have given us every opportunity to take first place away from them. Instead, we're sitting at two games under .500.

Note to Gar[d]ner: You deserve to lose for batting Jason Lane second. What the hell kind of lineup was that last night? Let's refresh... I don't care who is pitching or what side he throws from. Here is what your lineup should be...

Chris Burke
Chris Burke
Lance Berkman
Lance Berkman
Mike Lamb
Mike Lamb
Chris Burke
Chris Burke

Seriously, though... here's your lineup with present "talent":

Biggio - 2B
Lamb - 1B
Burke - 3B
Berkman - RF
Wilson - LF
Taveras - CF
Everett - SS
Ausmus - C
P

Sorry, Morgan, but you're in an absolute TOTAL funk right now. I suggest sending him and Lane down to AAA to work some things out. Call it an injury if you're worried about their pride. Whatever. Recall Chris Sampson for a game or two and let him throw... a lot.

Here's another thought... switch Wandy and Nieve. Nieve's better as a starter. Wandy's so freaking random you never know what you're going to get.

Ugh! I'm sick of this post!

Win, dammit!

Bizarro Astros Lead Team to Victory

2006-06-22T13:43:00.000-05:00

As I listened to the Astros pre-game show on my home from work last night, they were talking about the Twins' starter, Carlos Silva, who--prior to the game--had posted an ERA slightly north of a touchdown and extra point. Opposing hitters were hitting something like .352 against him which--in my tortured, made-up "equivalent hitter" statistic, pretty much means that everybody who bats against Carlos Silva hits equivalently with the second-best hitter in the National League (at the moment, Freddy Sanchez of the Bucs, who's currently at .353). Of course, my first inclination, then, was to think, "He'll no-hit us or some crap."

Well, what happened more closely resembled the "some crap" part of my statement than the "no-hit" part, but we still looked pretty much like ~~Morgan Ensberg~~ a bunch of elementary school girls against him. We managed all of five hits and three earned runs against him in six innings, which technically qualifies him for a Quality Start.

Fortunately for the local boys, a few of the Bizarro Astros decided to pay a visit. Bizarro, of course, is the anti-Superman who lives on Bizarro World (also called "Htrae"), where people get arrested for being normal, etc. Anyway, the most notable of the Bizarro Astros consist of the following players:

Bizarro Biggio: Gets clutch hits with RISP
Bizarro Burke: Suffers from self-doubt
Bizarro Berkman: Makes great baserunning decisions
Bizarro Ensberg: Doesn't over-think at-bats; is fearless at the plate
Bizarro Wilson: Has good, quality at-bats where he works the count
Bizarro Lane: Brims with self-confidence; shows little promise but still gets hits anyway
Bizarro Ausmus: Terrific career hitter who's having a fluke bad year at the plate
Bizarro Everett: Always a home run threat; splatters hits to all parts of the park

Et cetera, et cetera. Anyway, Bizarro Lane and Bizarro Everett showed up and--because Gar[d]ner put them in the lineup because, not being Bizarro Gar[d]ner, he simply relied upon his usual conjecture, witchcraft, and "hunches" to make out his lineup.

Bizarro Everett collected a very un-Everettish 3 hits, including 2 doubles, and drove in 2 runs. Bizarro Lane had a clutch single to right field. Hooray!

Alas, Bizarro Ensberg did not make the trip. Regular Ensberg--"The Vortex"--showed up as a pinch-hitter, once again demonstrated that he's afraid of swinging the bat, and eventually popped up to the center fielder. I noticed, by the way, that Gar[d]ner finally observed what we'd noted a while back about the Vortex: he's afraid of hitting.

It's hard to tell if [Ensberg's] shoulder is bothering him or if the slump has gotten in his head. Garner gave him a green light on a 3-0 iptch the other night. Ensberg didn't swing at a batting-practice fastball.

"He's having a little hesitation in his mind about his swing," Garner said. "He's got to let the big dog hunt. He can't be too fine."

I think that pretty well sums it up.

In other Astros news, to make room for Fat Rog on the 25-man roster, Chris Sampson (1-0, 3.52 ERA in 4 appearances, 1 start) was sent to AAA. Here's a thought: why don't we just waive or DFA Trev-2ER Miller, rather than send down a kid who'd shown some promise? Oh, that's right: Bizarro Gar[d]ner doesn't manage this team.

Need to "Hate" More Often

2006-06-22T13:16:00.000-05:00

Astros 5, Twins 3

So it's the fifth inning of last night's game, and I call up 'ole Shafty, who's trying to spend some quality time with his son, to complain.

"You know, I hate this team right now," I say.

"Why? What happened now?" Shafty answers.

I then give the rundown, as if he wants to hear every detail... at least, I assume he does because I don't stop to ask. Nevertheless, by the time I'm done, the Disastros suck, aren't making the playoffs, etc.

An inning after I hang up the phone, the Boys in Brick do it again. This franchise, throughout my entire life as a fan, has done the same thing time and again; and no matter how prepared you are for it, you still can't help fluctuating between hating their guts and buying their celebratory DVD, narrated by Dennis Quaid, that looks back at their remarkable run to the 2005 World Series (it's quite cool, actually).

Last night was no different. As soon as I'd given up on them, they came back and won the game. Adam Everett answered the question I've been asking thus far this season: Does Adam Ever-hit? He busted out three hits, two of which were clutch doubles, and had two RBI's. Pfc. Mendoza even got what amounted to the game-winning hit to score Skull Cap from second.

Needless to say, I'm VERY pleased with the outcome, especially since they overcame what looked like another loss to rally and win. What's more, Shafty and I will be at the game tonight for the Rocket's Return.

You know, last night's experience reminded me of a little "hex" that Shafty and I put on each other in the spirit of friendly competition. We'll head to the arcade after lunch for some air hockey, and one will inevitably "hex" the other with the following phrase: "You ready to kick my ass?"

What that really means is, "Prepare to have your ass kicked." So the opposite meaning is actually intended. Perhaps that's what happened last night. If so, I need to "hate" the Astros more often.

Astros Find Way to Lose... AGAIN

2006-06-21T08:07:00.000-05:00

Astros 5, Twins 6

Credit the Twins for knowing their opponent. Rather than deflate over Special K's dramatic, game-tying homer in the bottom of the 9th (on a 1-2 count with 2 outs... prompting a, "How 'bout deez nutz, beeyotch?!?" from me over the phone to Shafty), the Twins responded the way a hot team normally does... with an answer.

For some dumbass reason, Gar[d]ner decided to bring in Trev-ER (thus dubbed b/c he's good for an earned run whenever he's out there), who expertly gave the Twins the lead back on a first-pitch BOMB by some guy I've never heard of, further proving the fallacy of the myth of "left-handed specialist." The only thing this left-hander specializes in is disappointment. Nevermind the fact that Roy Harvey struck out the side in the 8th. Nevermind the fact that their lefties had been struggling against him all night. Nope, we "play the percentages."

*soft, slow, mocking clap inserted here*

I've got to number my complaints because my head's spinning this morning, but see if you can follow me...

1. Roy Harvey's rough 7th wasn't his fault.

With one out, and after giving up two straight hits, Roy Harvey gives up a third, routine single to left. With a runner in scoring position, PK cadillacs the ball and the runner aggressively heads for home.

Keep in mind that K-Dawg has a good arm... but seeing his approach, and with the ball in front of him, the runner tries to score. Not believing that the Twins would dare to run on him, K-Money air-mails the ball over the cutoff man, 3-4 feet in front of home plate.

The runner scores. The man on first moves to third. The hitter moves to second. So now, rather than having the bases loaded and one out, the Twins have cut the lead to 4-2 and have two men in scoring position.

The next batter hits a routine grounder to short, which would've resulted in an inning-ending double play with no runs for the Twins. Instead, it scores another run to make it 4-3, with two outs and leaves a man at second.

Then, with two outs and a one-run lead, Roy Harvey gives up a routine flyball down the left field line. I say "routine" because I truly believe most, if not nearly all, MLB outfielders make that play. Instead, PK takes a piss poor route, running straight at the ball (instead of taking it on an angle).

The ball zips over his head, causing him to do the ever-gay "ballerina move" to try to catch it. He doesn't, so the Twins tie it on the "double." Don't get me wrong, PK tied the game in dramatic fashion in the 9th, but wouldn't have had to had he just played common, tight defense.

2. Our pitching staff's lack of focus is pissing me off.

I can't, for the life of me, figure out why it's so freaking difficult for our pitchers to get ahead, stay ahead, and keep runners off base. I thought Roy Harvey did a great job last night; but can The Mole please pitch a damn inning without putting a runner on? Can we please get a lead and not give it right back? Can we please know the situation and execute?

What's more, The Mole is so concerned with striking hitters out that he forgets that's not the goal. The goal is to get hitters out... no matter how. In my book, a groundball is as good as a strikeout. But he plays to the crowd, which is why he uncorks a slider with the winning run on third (put there by him). It's also why he never holds the runners. Granted, Castillo is very fast... but at least throw over there once or something. Damn.

Twice now in two games I've seen our guys get a lead (or tie) and then have the pitcher give it back on the very first pitch of the next half-inning. UNACCEPTABLE.

Guys, you need to go back to Pitching Class. NOW.

3. Morgan Ensberg needs to sit.

I realize Mike Lamb's in a bit of a slump right now. Play Eric Bruntlett, then. Plus, I can't figure out why, when it seemed that Jason Lane was seeing the ball better, he's still on the bench.

If Morgan's shoulder is hindering his success, he should sit until it's well. If it's not bothering him, he should sit until he gets his eyes back. I've watched that guy take pitches right down the middle for strikes and then swing at crap. Granted, he got a hit to the opposite field, showing a nice in-at-bat adjustment; but he struck out THREE TIMES last night.

I like Morgan a lot. I think he's a great asset to our team; but as of last night, his average for the last three months was as follows... April: ± .309, May: .216, June (so far): .143. His average for the season right now sits at a whopping .250.

Get it together, Morgan... NOW.

I've already expressed my frustration with Trev-ER, Lidge, and Gar[d]ner. What's worse, is that the Cards and Reds both lost last night, giving us another chance to move up. We refuse... again.

I don't want to be doomsday this early (especially after last season), but this team is so mediocre right now, that I'm not sure even Roger Clemens can salvage much. Keep in mind that last year, our heroes were 2 games over .500 at the All-Star Break. Right now, we're one game over. With the way we're currently playing, it's not looking good.

The Officially Unofficial Nickname Dictionary

2006-06-20T09:01:00.000-05:00

At some point, we will enlighten the masses (i.e., all two of you/us who read this blog) with an explanation and possible dictionary of our made-up language, FEnglish (Fake English). Until then, we thought it’d be fun to give you a running list of MLB Nicknames that we have created, starting with our beloved Disastros and in no particular order thereafter:

Disastros = Houston Astros

The Magnet/Coin Flip = Taylor Buchholz, The Mole = Brad Lidge, Roy Harvey = Roy Oswalt, Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel (“Cletus”) = Andy Pettitte, Magic Wandy/Not-So-Magic Wandy = Wandy Rodriguez, Potato Chips = Russ Springer, Wheels = Dan Wheeler, Fat Lance/Fat Elvis/Big Puma = Lance Berkman, The Bidge/Beege = Craig Biggio, The Vortex/Mo = Morgan Ensberg, Private Mendoza/Pfc. Mendoza/Lanedoza = Jason Lane, Special K/K-Dawg/PW/P-Dub/PK/Skull Cap/Press'n = Preston Wilson, Willy T = Willy Taveras, Trev-ER/Mill-ER = Trever Miller, Does-Adam-Ever-Hit = Adam Everett, Assmunch/Suckmus = Brad Ausmus, Lambo/The Bomber = Mike Lamb

Satanic Red Fowl = St. Louis Cardinals

Hermaphrodite = Yadier Molina, Jimmy = Jim Edmonds, Doesn’t Exist/StL OF = So Taguchi, Poo-Holes/Albert = Albert Pujols, Eyeliner = John Rodriguez, Frying Pan = Anthony Reyes, The Pest = David Eckstein, Who? = Chris Duncan

Baby Bears = Chicago Cubs

Corky = Sean Marshall, Corky II/Cry Baby = Greg Maddux, When Healthy/DL/Shadows of Their Former Selves ("Shadows") = Mark Prior/Kerry Wood, Crazy Carlos/Señor Smug/Cra-ZEE/”Big” Zee/Wrist Action = Carlos Zambrano, Marty = Michael Barrett, Him-Roid/Roid Nevin = Phil Nevin, Nefertiti = Neifi Perez, E-ramis/Error-Miss = Aramis Ramirez, Jac-QUE = Jacque Jones, Perpetual Enemy #1 = John Mabry

The Brew Crew = Milwaukee Brewers

Slob/Jeremy/Turnblow = Derrick Turnbow, Redneck/Wife-Beater = Geoff Jenkins, Undetectable = Carlos Lee

The Giants = SF Giants

Barroid/Cheater = Barry Bonds

*sigh* The Braves = Atlanta Braves

Wilson Betemit = Wilson Betemit, Larry = Chipper Jones, Perpetual Enemy #2 = Edgar Renteria, AndRoid = Andruw Jones

Playoff Dodgers = LA Dodgers

No-MAAAH = Nomar Garciaparra, DWI/Furcalcohol = Rafael Furcal, Pornstache/Traitor = Jeff Kent, J.D. Droid/Punk/Perpetual Enemy #5 = J.D. Drew, I Hate That Guy = Kenny Lofton

Enemy of 1998 = San Diego Padres

Pert Commercial/Pretty Boy/First Baseman = Mike Piazza, Not-So-Young = Eric Young

America’s Best Bought Team = New York Yankees

The Farns = Kyle Farnsworth, Cheater II/Giambroid = Jason Giambi, Jeeter = Derek Jeter
gAy-Rod/Roidriguez = Alex Rodriguez, Passion of the Center Fielder/Johnny of Nazareth/CromagJohn = Johnny Damon

ESPN = Boston Red Sox

Suckett/One-Pump-Chump = Josh Beckett, Wickets = Alex Gonzalez, Manny/Man-Ram/Man-Roid = Manny Ramirez, Big Papi/Roidtiz = David Ortiz

White Sux = Chicago White Sox
(“Win, or Die Trying.” Then just die.)

Punkzynski/A.J./Peeeerzynski/Seeing Eye Chart I = A.J. Pierzynski, Roidsednik/Punksednik/Scotty = Scott Podsednik, DyeRoid = Jermaine Dye... We hate the whole team, so any of them could be White Sux.

Cellar Dwellers = Kansas City Royals

Suckworth = Brandon Duckworth, Gabor = Paul Bako, Perpetual Enemy #3 = Mark Grudzielanek, White Trash/Ex-Con/Parolee/Seeing Eye Chart II = Doug Mientkiewicz, Mark = David DeJesus, Perpetual Enemy #4 = Reggie Sanders, Road Dawg = Matt Stairs

I’m sure there are or will be plenty more, but this will get you started. Enjoy!

A Great Day for Baseball

2006-06-19T16:28:00.000-05:00

True, the Astros lost to lowly Kansas City yesterday. Well, Friday, too. But it could have been worse:

We could have had Mark Prior out there yesterday: 3.2 IP, 7 ER, 4 HR's. Interesting gamelog.

So there's a silver lining in the Astros' terrible weekend, after all. Heh heh heh.

Your World Cup Update

2006-06-19T16:22:00.000-05:00

Who says we don't have World Cup coverage?

Astros Injure Necks in Process of Enthusiastically Tipping Caps to Duckworth

2006-06-19T16:03:00.000-05:00

Following yesterday's disastrous 7-4 loss to the woeful Royals, the talk show lines were jammed with callers complaining about obvious goat Chad Qualls and, to an equal extent for having summoned Qualls, manager Phil Gar[d]ner--whose ability to predict the future was vastly inferior to that of the illiterate, toothless, foaming-at-the-mouth masses who invariably think it their due to second-guess every managerial decision following a loss.

There are plenty of goats for this weekend's disastrous showing. Rather than list each of the Astros individually on the sidebar goats section, we focused on the announcer, who once again committed an error in the late innings when he announced:

Now batting, centerfielder Mark... err, excuse me, David DeJesus.
We're now 0-2 when we're playing bad teams and the announcer commits an "E10" error. This one's all on him. Not that the Astros played well enough to win or anything, though...

No doubt feeling guilty about having cut loose Brandon Duckworth last year, after he had posted an 8.08 ERA in Houston over the course of two years (50 runs in 55.2 IP), the Astros tried to make it up to him yesterday by making him out as the next Cy Young--on and off the field.

Even the lowly Pirates had thought so little of Duckworth's skills that they did not even ask the Royals for a player in exchange, agreeing instead to accept only "cash considerations." Yet he managed to stymie the Astros yesterday, allowing only 2 earned runs over 5.2 strong innings yesterday. He also doubled and scored a run in their 4-run sixth inning. Duckworth's efforts were rewarded with the usual "tip of the cap" from Mike Lamb:

"Duckworth did a good job mixing up his pitches and kept us off balance," Lamb said.

Kudos to our hero of the game, Gar[d]ner, who dispelled Duckworth's entitlement to any "tip your cap" comments:

Garner preferred to give the Astros an assist for "making (Duckworth) look a little better than he threw."

Finally, somebody else said what we've been saying for years: don't tip your cap to somebody just because you hit like crap against him.

Passing thoughts not worth a full discussion:

Clearly, journalists need to stop with the "Andy's making a resurgence" crap. Although he's not solely to blame for yesterday's loss, coughing up four runs--and the lead--in only seven innings is NOT indicative of having a "resurgence."
Morgan Ensberg looks lost out there right now. Why is it that we started hitting after he got injured, then STOPPED hitting when he returned? Is he a black hole of crappy hitting, that his mere presence makes everybody forget how to hit? If so, get The Vortex out of there. Aw jeez, now we've got another nickname for somebody.

The Vortex's average, by the way, is now down to .250. He was hitting .302 on May 9th. He then proceeded to hit 16-for-75 (.213) for the rest of May, and is hitting only .143 (4-for-28) in June so far.

This Just In... the Cubs Suck.

2006-06-16T07:46:00.000-05:00

Astros 3, Cubs 2

Let us start by saying thank you...

Thank you, Bob, for giving Brad Ausmus a pitch he could handle. We know you're statistically a reliable guy, but we really appreciate your gift to Brad and, consequently, our team.

Thank you, Todd, for making an easy play look hard. We appreciate your filling in for D-Lee at 1st, especially when it comes to rally-killers. Special K sends you a special, "Peace-Out." Oh, and another thank you for promptly ruining Marty's leadoff single in the bottom of the frame by hitting into a twin-killing.

Thank you, Jac-QUE, for killing about 8,000 worms on your 17-hopper to the plate, just barely missing Fat Lance, who scored what would be the winning run. Looks like the 'roids don't help you throw good.

Thank you, Lizard, for opting not to squeeze another run out after opening the 7th with a leadoff triple. I know, I know, you were probably too busy chewing on your toothpick to remember that you need as many runs as possible. That's why you let Ronnie Cedeno and Roid Nevin swing away.

This game was comical in so many ways. We need to just say an overall thank you to the Cubs. Let me point out a few notables (if you want a recap, click on the "thank you" at the top of the post)...

1) Juan Pierre stole an eye-popping 4 bases. Good thing it helped, seeing as he scored ONCE.

2) The Cubs' website calls Crazy Carlos "Big Z," which is just GAY. Obviously I like "Crazy Carlos" or "Senor Smug" better.

3) The Lizard thought his guys "busted their humps" yesterday. Tell that to: Todd Walker, Ronnie Cedeno, Roid Nevin, Jac-QUE, etc. No, Lizard, they didn't "just come up short." YOU LOST.

4) Zambrano blamed his "lack" of dominance on a heavy arm. This guy is so SMUG (to quote South Park), he loves the smell of his own farts... rrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppp... "MMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...." Come on, Crazy Carlos (sounds like a low-rate furniture store personality... and we've got plenty of them here in Houston), this isn't video-baseball, where you can set the difficulty setting to EASY and throw no-hitters every game. He obviously expects to one-hit us every time he faces us. SORRY...

5) The Lizard decided to pull Cra-ZEE because he was "out of gas." No sh**, Lizard... the guy had thrown 107 pitches already. Oh, wait... that's right. You like to throw guys for 125+. Nevermind.

6) The Lizard said, "You just get tired of the same kind of thing." Then retire, Lizzy. Lizard.

7) I don't particularly like Marty Barrett, but at least he's trying. He seems like the only guy on that club that cares. Yeah, Pierre stole 4 bases... but that seemed more like a stat thing to me.

8) The Cubbies' website says that Cra-ZEE "stifled the Astros for seven innings." Hmmm. Maybe, but if you use that logic, then Nieve "stifled" the Cubbies for 5.2 innings. Compare:

Cra-ZEE: 7 IP, 5 H, 1 ER, 2 BB, 5 K

Nieve: 5.2 IP, 6 H, 2 ER, 0 BB, 0 K

So Nieve gave up one more run, one more hit, and five fewer strikeouts over 1.1 fewer innings. But... he's a rookie. The Cubs' website makes me want to puke. It's the same 'ole propaganda... the 'ole, "We're better than this," line that they'll keep believing until Christ returns. When all else fails (which it's done in 18 of their last 21), blame someone or something else.

9) Walker's Cub-ness shows: (referring to his errant throw) "I still thought he had his foot on the bag, but the ball's got to be online and at least get one." That's right, Toddie... you got robbed.

10) At least Bob Howry spoke like a consummate professional, which means he's on the wrong team: "'Today I didn't make very good pitches,' Howry said. 'I struggled with command, leaving balls up and they hit them. You get a ground ball to first in that situation and you're hoping for one out and get the next guy,' he said. 'The fortunate thing was no one had scored yet and with the bases loaded and one out, you get a ground ball to somebody and you're out of the inning. As ugly as it was, we still could've come out scoreless.'"

Bob, Howry'd you like to pitch for us?

Classic.

So maybe we can continue this great run of four games with a sweep of the ever-cellar-dwelling Royals (sorry, Shafty, but it's true).

Just Plain, Pure, 100% Awesome

2006-06-15T13:24:00.000-05:00

Idiot fan taken out by 12-year-old batboy:

Put that kid at the top of the "Awesome People" list.

Just Tip Your Cap, Greggie.

2006-06-15T10:00:00.000-05:00

When you're winning, everything seems better. The air seems cleaner (well, sort of), food tastes better, your beer seems a little colder and more refreshing, the abominably hot weather seems more bearable, etc.

Not that the Cubbies would know anything about that. After dropping another decision to the Astros, 5-4, the Cubs are now perched perilously on the edge of being the worst team in the National League. They're but a game up on the woeful Pirates, and dead-even with the AAA Marlins (percentage points being the only difference between the two). They can't hit, they can't (apart from Zambrano) pitch, they can't field. Their only solid offensive contributor is on the shelf for an indeterminate time. They actually see it as a positive that they traded for the destined-for-the-bench, over-the-hill, former Astros headcase washout, probable-roider Phil Nevin. One of their big free-agent "splashes" is a guy who has no idea where the strike zone begins and ends. (Not that they're alone in that.) Their fans (and front office) keep thinking that--if they could just convince Wood and Prior not to be permanent residents on the DL--they could field a winning team. They blame their 2003 collapse on a dork wearing headphones. They've got one of the worst managers in baseball. The team owners don't care about winning, as long as they turn a profit. Their team MVP, at this point, is Wrigley Field. Wrigley--which, by the way, I visited and thoroughly enjoyed a few years back--is what brings fans out to watch the not-so-lovable losers. Their fans have, understandably, given up all hope. Desipio's usual Cubs Live! blog doesn't show up all that much anymore and, when it does, it often goes by another title: Cubs Dead, or "Pointless Exercise." Two nights ago, a group of idiot--and probably drunk--fans decided to jump up and wave their arms and be idiots during every pitch in the ninth inning. Distracting, to say the least. And yet, those were not their only stupid fans:

That is really dumb of you guys to be making fun of the Cubs player. Jacque is a great player, and yes he does have the highest batting average on the team besides Cedeno is a little ahead of him. Really you guys should think of all the things you are posting. Its terrible, I don’t see any of you guys out there playing ball. I’m not saying all of the Cubs are terrific. But Walker, Barrett, Murton, Jones, Nevin, Cedeno, Ramirez, Maddux, Marshall, and Zambrano I think are great.

Oh yeah, Corey Patterson is also a great player. He may not be a Cub but I sure wish he still would be.

The only positive I can see in these two Desipio posts is that, at least the seven-year-old fans haven't given up hope, I guess.

Despite all of the Cubbies' obvious shortcomings, the ever-myopic Greg Maddux--who should have retired two years ago rather than tarnish what was a stellar career--can't come to grips with the facts that (a) he ain't what he used to be, (b) he's not that effective when he isn't getting 4-inch-off-the-plate balls called as strikes, and (c) he just got his arse whupped last night. Rather than acknowledge that the 'Stros beat him into submission with 11 hits and 5 runs, Greggie offered the following weak excuse:

"I left pitches up with two strikes that I was trying to throw in the dirt," Maddux said. "It's kind of a tough way to get beat. If they go down and pick it, that's one thing. But to hang pitches like that with two strikes way ahead in the count. ..."

Yeah, Greggie." But for hanging pitches last night, you would have been the Greg Maddux of old. Just tip your cap, as the rest of the Cubbies did when discussing Oswalt's performance last night, and continue to collect paychecks for mediocre, six-inning (only 84 IP in 14 starts), 76.5 pitch-per-start, performances. (Fat Rog, by contrast, was still throwing 100.1 pitches per start last year while averaging only 15.2 pitches per inning. For his career, he has never dipped below a 100-pitches-per-start average.)

Jacque Jones's choke strikeout in the 8th inning, with the tying run 90 feet away, was classic. Not only did he strike out swinging at a ball that never approached the strike zone, but he had the grace to holler out a "G-D" on his lonely trudge back to the dugout. Good idea, Jacque; your team doesn't have enough troubles without getting the Man Upstairs mad.

Astros 9, Cubs 2

2006-06-14T11:53:00.000-05:00

In other news...

No, seriously. Last night's win was impressive. It's nice to see the bats finally waking up. Oh, damn. I've just jinxed them now, haven't I?

Cletus pitched a great game... finally. I thought he looked pretty tired in the 7th (when he consequently gave up the bomb to Roid-Monger Phil Nevin). Granted, I was tired by the 7th. I like Cletus, but he is so cumbersome to watch (works slowly, throws WAY too many pitches, etc.). Anyway, I was glad to see him get one game closer to .500.

Chris Burke is unbelievable. I think that's the first time since like 1991 that an Astro has scored 5 runs in a game. For crying out loud, they couldn't get him out last night (on base every time he had a plate appearance, and even stole a base). Willy T., I hope you're taking notes on how to get playing time.

Special K's come out of his Special Funk... for now. I'm glad to see him starting to be more productive... especially with guys in scoring position.

HUZZAH! for Jason Lane and Adam Everett for staying above the Mendoza Line!

BOOOOOOOOOO! to Brad Ausmus who, with the bases loaded, only 1 out, and a FREAKING 3-0 COUNT, decided to swing away and grounded into a double-play. That gets last night's Stupid Award.

Of course, The Mole added another craptastic performance. Seriously, you guys, is it possible for him to pitch and NOT give up at least 1 run?

So tonight it's Roy Harvey vs. Greg "Corky II" Maddux...

"I whine when I don't get my way. My way is 4" off the plate." ~ Corky II

A Footy Post!

2006-06-13T13:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday at lunch, Phat-C and I had the following exchange:

Phat-C: You know, if Rice loses today, I'll have no reason whatsoever to watch the CWS.
Shafty: Yeah, I know what you mean. Like how I'm unlikely to watch the World Cup after the US gets first-rounded.
Phat-C: *shrugs, rolls eyes* Not like I'm watching the World Cup, anyway.

So here's a reason to pay attention to soccer, Phat-C:

Roy Keane Announces Retirement
Keane is/was a famous Irish footballer, thought by many to be the finest center midfielder ever to play the game. He captained the Republic of Ireland team for many years, led them to the 1994 World Cup and the 2002 World Cup (although he was sent home before the '02 tournament after arguing with the team's manager), and led Man United to seven Premiership titles and one UEFA Champions League win.

He had left Man U in December 2005 and signed with Celtic, but was forced to retire because of a lingering hip injury.

Slightly less well-known: Keane--throughout his career--has been one of the truly unstoppable video game footballers. I respect the man in real-life, but hate the hell out of him in video games (especially since Phat-C always uses him).

Farewell, Mr. Keane.

P.S. Although I only occasionally read Norman Chad's columns, today's--devoted to soccer--included the following entry (which was contained in a purported timeline of soccer in America) that I could not resist:

1930: The first World Cup is won by Uruguay, in Uruguay-- most Americans could not find Uruguay on a map if you gave them a map of Uruguay.

Classic.

Finally Found this Gem...

2006-06-13T13:11:00.000-05:00

We were at last Monday night's game against the Cubs, and they showed this during the "bloopers" segment. It finally showed up on YouTube, for everybody to enjoy:

Don't Throw at the Owls!

2006-06-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's being an off-day for the Astros didn't mean that there weren't some baseballs getting hit out of the park in Houston yesterday. The Rice Owls clinched their fourth trip to the College World Series by shellacking Oklahoma 9-5.

The "trick" to not getting blown out by Rice, it's been said, is to "avoid the big inning." The Sooners were unable to do so yesterday. Trailing 4-3 in the sixth, Rice loaded the bases with one out. Josh Rodriguez (whom Phat-C hates, based solely on video game baseball) drove in two runs with a single through the left side. The next batter, superstud Joe Savery, homered to right-center. Five runs crossed the plate, and Oklahoma was sent home packing.

Their big mistake, clearly, was pitching to the Owls. It's like we always say about Texans games: "DON'T THROW AT DUNTA [Robinson]!" Every time you throw at Dunta, you're in for a world of trouble.

The only way to avoid the big inning is to not pitch to the Owls. Just don't come to Houston, and accept your 1-0 forfeit defeat.

The Owls move on to the CWS, where they'll play Saturday at 1:00 CST against Georgia (who defeated South Carolina yesterday to advance). I'd probably prefer that we play Georgia, as I just can't survive the numerous "Go Cocks" signs ever-present at SC games without resorting to bouts of hysterical giggling and elbow-nudging:

Me: See that, Hon? Heh ehahehe!!
Wife: Yes, for the hundredth time, I see that she's holding up a sign that says, "Go Cocks." How old are you, again?

Ahem. As I was stuck at work yesterday afternoon, I spent some time looking around for game accounts, etc. (especially to get details on how both the head coach and assistant head coach for Oklahoma manage to get ejected from the game). I came across the CSTV message boards. Rice's had a post or two about the game.

Oklahoma's message board had a ton of posts... although I'm not sure that baseball was a common topic, as evidenced by the thread subjects:

tu SUCKS!!!!!!!!!
Can't wait to beat tu at Cotton Bowl!!!
OU = 2007 Nat'l FB Champs!

And so on... I felt like I was listening to sports radio again, where the topics year-round are pretty much divided into:

50% Texas/Texas A&M/College Football
25% Texans/NFL
15% Stupid proposed trades
7% Astros
2% Every other miscellaneous topic
1% Rice

I can't wait for the "lifelong Rice baseball fans" to jump out of the woodwork after the CWS teams stupidly decide to pitch to the Owls, and get punished accordingly.

Although that will probably be limited to a call or two, before the focus returns to how the Longhorns are doing in recruiting for the 2012 season.

Astros 14, Braves 4

2006-06-12T07:37:00.000-05:00

Needless to say, I'm ecstatic over our heroes' recent offensive revival. Granted, the Braves' pitching staff has struggled mightily this year (mostly the pen), but still. We scored 7 or more runs in 3 of the 4 games, and 30 total.

There was so much to cheer about yesterday, that I'll just say it was a sigh of relief. Why is it, though, that Magic Wandy gets all the run support? Is it because he's truly magic?

Nice to see Lane get--even temporarily--off the schneid.

Next up... Cletus takes on Corky in Chicago.

MLB's Best Rotation, "When Healthy," Takes Another Hit

2006-06-09T17:12:00.000-05:00

As we reported on Wednesday, the Cubbies' Kerry Wood was already reporting shoulder stiffness after only his fourth start following his return from the disabled list. We predicted then:

Oh, and get this: Wood's already suffering from stiffness in his surgically-"repaired" shoulder.

It says here that Wood is not making it through the season without another lengthy stop-off on the DL, although one need not be Nostradamus to make such an obvious prediction. He's now listed as Day-to-Day.

Well, it's now official:

Cubs Place Wood on DL, Recall Guzman
In other "news," (1) the sun rose today, (2) Earth is not the center of the universe, and (3) the food-chain order remains dog-cat-mouse.

In all seriousness, have some news thrown in your FACE!

Following Jason Grimsley's revelation that he had used steroids, HGH, and amphetamines in his career that magically transformed him from a crappy pitcher into a slightly-less-crappy pitcher, Jim Leyritz has now 'fessed up to using amphetamines. Shouldn't this mean that the Astros actually won the 1998 NLDS against the Padres, during which series Leyritz homered three times in only ten at-bats (including one game-winner, I seem to recall)? Combined with the late Caminit's steroids revelations, I remain certain that the Padres will be shipping their NL Champion rings to the Astros any day now.
The local boys are to be the subject of this Saturday's This Week in Baseball, on Fox at 11:30 CST. Set thy VCR/TiVo.

I'm Old... or not

2006-06-09T15:03:00.000-05:00

Okay... this was going to be a post about our softball game last night; but Blogger apparently had other things in mind. Just as I'm trying to format my post, all of my text disappears into cyberoblivion.

Suck.

Fat Elvis Continues Astros Renaissance

2006-06-09T10:21:00.000-05:00

Buried in third place in the All-Star first baseman voting, the ordinarily placid Lance ("Fat Elvis") Berkman opted to vent his wrath on poor John Thomson and the mediocre Atlanta Braves. (I'd say that the Braves--whose 4.64 team ERA is no better than 11th in the NL and whose 1.44 WHIP is 14th--are missing stud pitching coach Leo Mazzone, but it's not like Baltimore's faring any better.) In any event, this is again one of those occasions where we do not need the expert services of Nostradamus to predict that Atlanta's division-win streak is over this season.

Besides, Nostradamus is a bit of a pretentious a-hole, always strutting around the place, pissing us off, making odd predictions:

"I predict that you're going to leave that bagel in the toaster too long and end up having to throw it out."
"That chili-and-cheese hot dog you bought at the Astros game today will be effecting great violence upon your digestive tract tonight and all day tomorrow."
"Even the $5 French prostitutes will reject your advances this evening."

So if we can avoid having to call him in for a day, all the better. Anyway, even though John Thomson (now 2-7) pretty much sucks, we've sort of had this penchant for making crappy pitchers look like Cy Young contenders. Besides, notwithstanding the past two years' worth of playoff shellackings of the Bravos, we haven't exactly enjoyed incredible success against them over the past ten years or so.

Not only did John Thomson cough up two dingers to Fat Elvis--the former of which travelled an estimated 425 feet--but Berkman thwarted his bid for an RBI in the sixth inning by throwing out Jeff Francoeur, who had been attempting to score on Thomson's flyout into right field. Not to diminish FE's accomplishments last night, but the true offensive story of the night was that Special K drew a walk last night, bringing his season total to eleven. He also didn't strike out! Accordingly, he brought his strikeout-to-walk ratio under 6:1. Kudos, Kaptain K!

Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel managed to pitch effectively, if not efficiently. Although he gave up only two runs, he still threw 109 pitches and walked three batters in only six innings of work. His ERA dipped below 6.00 for the first time in awhile, although his WHIP actually went up and his BAA remained at an unhealthy .322. In fact, I compared Cletus's opponents' statistics to actual players, and discovered the following:

Cletus:		.322 BAA		.406 OBP		.588 SLG		.990 OPS
Brad Hawpe:		.323 BAA		.399 OBP		.581 SLG		.980 OPS

Essentially, then, everybody who bats against Cletus hits as well as the eighth best hitter in the National League. That would make sense given that--for at least the third game in a row--Cletus coughed up a hit to the opposing pitcher.

The Mole pitched a perfect ninth, bringing his ERA under 5.00. It's probably too early to say that he's back to form, though, anymore than we should be assuming that Cletus isn't going to turn around and suck in his next outing. (Remember that, in his last start, Cletus gave up seven runs in six innings. At best, one could describe Cletus's performance this year as "inconsistent.")

All in all, though, I just can't complain about our third win in a row. The Astros Renaissance continues.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That...

2006-06-09T09:22:00.000-05:00

Having drawn the proverbial black bean, and being forced to leave my office at noon and sit four rows behind the visitor's dugout, I thought I'd toss along a couple thoughts that might not be readily apparent from the news reports and box score from Chris Sampson's sterling performance in yesterday's 1-0 dismantling of the Cubbies.

As has been my unfortunate custom all year, I arrived at the game just in time to see the bottom of the first inning. As I settled into my seat, I saw that Chris Burke was getting ready to bat. I was horrified, however, to look up at the Jumbotron and see that it was displaying a picture of Burke's face wearing a freaking sailor suit and cap! The very first thought that crossed my mind--unfortunately--was... "Ahoy, Faggot!"

Not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you... I guess it's just that the "sailor" look isn't the most menacing one, when looking to intimidate the other team. Would the Cubs even look at the Jumbotron? Well, probably not, although it only takes one of them to see "Captain" Burke up there (or the variety of other nautical Astros, some in Hawaiian shirts, some wearing ridiculous aviation sunglasses and straw hats) before the entire team is laughing at us. Is that really what we want? We've played laughably bad baseball over the past month; we don't need to find more reasons to entertain the opposing teams.

I'd attempt to Photoshop something to give you an idea of how stupid-looking it was, but my Photoshop skills... well, they're just not here right now.

Clearly, the reason Chris Sampson pitched as well as he did was because they didn't have a current photo that they could butcher in time to have it up on the Jumbotron. The rest of the team, howeve, were so mortally embarrassed and humiliated that they could muster only one run (and not a ton of hits, either) against Corky look-alike Sean Marshall:

The local boys' sole run came from a bizzomb off the bat of Brad Ausmus, his first of the season. Jason Lanedoza almost followed suit a few innings later, but his was called back after the umpires convened to declare it a foul ball. (Having not seen where it landed, I just can't offer any opinion as to whether it was fair or foul.)

The complete dearth of offense on both teams' part gave me plenty of opportunities to listen to the teenage guy (~17ish) who was sitting right behind me who, I would come to learn, was at his very first baseball game ever. He celebrated the occasion by disagreeing with every umpires' call that went against the Astros, pointing out the very, very obvious (e.g., After Special K chose to dive away from a pitch headed for his kneecap; Captain Obvious declared: "Woah! That was a close pitch!"), and so forth. Every strike was applauded as "Woah, good pitch!", every putout as "Woah, good catch!", etc. Woah.

You laugh, because it was against one of the worst teams in baseball, but the Astros Renaissance has begun, sluts.

Jason Grimsley Adds Another Chapter to Storied Career

2006-06-07T11:48:00.000-05:00

Apparently, Diamondbacks reliever Jason Grimsley owned up to having used performance-enhancing drugs (specifically, human growth hormone), prompting federal agents to ransack his home for six hours. This is, at best, my second-favorite story about Jason Grimsley.

The very best Grimsley anecdote, of course, occurred on July 15, 1994. During a heated division game, the White Sox were tipped off that Cleveland slugger Albert Belle had been using a corked bat. Sox manager Gene Lamont complained, and Belle's bat was confiscated and taken to the umpires' dressing room.

Well, of course, Belle's bat WAS corked. The Indians could not afford to lose Belle to suspension in what was a tight division race with the White Sox. Therefore, Jason Grimsley (only 180 pounds at the time) volunteered to crawl through the air conditioning ductwork into the umpires' room, replaced the bat with a different one, and crawl back into the Indians' clubhouse.

Grimsley succeeded in the task, although the umpires immediately suspected foul play when they returned to their dressing room after the game. After all, the replacement bat read "Paul Sorrento" on it. Grimsley's excuse for replacing Belle's bat with a Sorrento bat? He had no choice: all of Albert's bats were corked!

Grimsley is now listed at 205 pounds. I guess we now know from whence that added bulk stemmed. It's nice to see that HGH was helping Grimsley overpower hitters: his ERA is now at 4.88 (4.77 career), and opponents are hitting .280 off of him.

There are some guys who--no matter their career accomplishments--will always be remembered for something besides their on-the-field accomplishments. Por ejemplo: What's the first thing that comes to mind when the name Robin Ventura is mentioned? That he was a solid, decent-hitting third baseman with a long career? Hell no--you remember this:

Welcome to the club, Jason.

Canadian "Hide-and-Seek Team" Gets Over on Reporter

2006-06-07T11:42:00.000-05:00

From Deadspin.com:

Check this out. At a Tulane football game a few years back, three guys--who had been given Canadian Winter Olympics jackets to wear--convinced the television sideline reporter that they were members of the Canadian Hide-and-Seek team, supposedly a "demonstration" Olympic sport. Classic:

In unrelated news, you may have seen that the MLB draft began yesterday, with the Royals' opting for right-handed pitcher Luke Hochevar, who had been selected 40th in last year's draft but, owing to his being represented by jerkass Scott Boras, Hochevar "failed to reach a deal" with the Dodgers. Hochevar's explanation? "The Dodgers felt I was not worthy to be paid with the top pitchers from last year's draft."

Well, Luke, you weren't drafted with the "top pitchers" from last year's draft. You were selected FORTIETH, not good enough for the first round (unless one considers a "sandwich" pick to be in the first round; I do not). So Scott Boras and the penny-pinching Royals ought to be a great match. See you in next year's draft, Hochevar. (Incidentally, how did Hochevar's stock rise from 40th last year to first overall this year, given that he pitched in an independent league the past year? Aren't independent leagues for washed-up has-beens like Rickey Henderson and Jose Lima?)

The Astros took high-school catcher Max Sapp out of Florida. Supposedly, Sapp has a pretty solid bat, but is only an average catcher, defensively. He is not expected to remain a catcher for long. The Astros also nabbed Rice second-bagger Greg Buchanan (whom Phat-C hates from the NCAA baseball video game) with their pick in the ninth round. Rice landed five players in the first eleven rounds, the highest being shortstop Josh Rodriguez (whom Phat-C also hates), who went to the Indians in the second round. My hope, of course, is that the vast majority of these players go back to Rice for another year (and, hopefully, another run at the national championship).

Finally, it is noted that Drew Stubbs was drafted eighth overall by the Reds. Stubbs should have been drafted by the Astros out of high school, but for the interference of Bud Selig. The Astros had reached a pre-draft deal with Stubbs for a $900,000 signing bonus. Selig, however, refused to bless the deal given Stubbs' likely place in the draft. (Apparently, players' draft position places them into a given pay "slot.") The Astros were forced to go back to Stubbs and renege on their earlier deal. The scorned Stubbs then opted for the University of Texas, where he raised his stock and was drafted before the Astros had a chance at him. Thanks a ton, Bud.

Blogger's Crappiness Parallels Kerry Wood's

2006-06-07T11:13:00.000-05:00

I swear by all that is holy that I'm this close to moving to another blogging service. Blogger's lengthy delays, repeated error messages, failure to save posts, and failure to re-publish are just infuriating. I've been forced to pre-write all blog entries in Notepad because I have absolutely no confidence that, when I click the "Publish" button, my hard work won't be forever and irretrievably lost in cyberspace. WordPress remains a possible alternative.

Anyway... last night, Renaissance Man "Magic" Wandy Rodriguez showed Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel how to pitch on short rest, tossing seven innings of shutout ball. Alas, the Mole ruined the shutout in the ninth inning, having coughed up a run-scoring double to the mighty John Mabry. (I bet that's the first time that "mighty" and "John Mabry" have appeared in the same sentence.) Mabry's "offensive" statistics now measure at .194/.280/.254; last night's double was only his second extra-base hit in forty games (67 AB's) this year so far.

The Astros' new whipping boy served up seven hits and four runs in only 3 2/3 innings which, according to ESPN, was his "shortest start of the season." That's not that impressive of a comment given that this was only his fourth start. Oh, and get this: Wood's already suffering from stiffness in his surgically-"repaired" shoulder.

It says here that Wood is not making it through the season without another lengthy stop-off on the DL, although one need not be Nostradamus to make such an obvious prediction. He's now listed as Day-to-Day. As to whether Wood was rushed back too soon, Lance Berkman--who homered last night, while managing not to pass gas on Shafty and Phat-C, offered the following:

"I'm not sure if Kerry was pitching 100 percent," Berkman said. "I think he was in pain. I'm used to seeing him pitching around 96 or 97 [mph] and tonight he was around 90-91."

As Phat-C already noted, Roy Oswalt is now on the DL with back spasms. Taking his place is former Rice starter, lefty Phillip Barzilla. Not considered to be a big-time prospect, Barzilla converted from starter to reliever a few years back. At the time of his call-up to the bigs, Barzilla was 2-3 with a 4.13 ERA and 1.48 WHIP in AAA. He's exhibited some wildness, having walked 25 batters in only 48 innings. Strikeout-to-walk ratio is roughly 1.5:1. Perhaps Barzilla will be our latest attempt at having a "left-handed specialist," although he's probably viewed more as just a stopgap solution until Roy-O or Clemens are ready to go.

Speaking of Clemens, nearly everybody's seen or heard that some A kid got ahold of one of his split-finger fastballs and drove it into the seats in the first inning. Kudos to Johnny Drennen, who is only one of 13 hitters (including Manny Ramirez) to homer off Clemens in their first meeting, for putting his head down and sprinting around the bases after going yard. Perhaps Drennen had heard the story of what happened to the last snot-nosed kid who took Clemens deep?

I'm off to Game 3 today, and will report later on Chris Sampson's efforts to bring the local boys a rare series win.

A Day Late, $10.75 Short

2006-06-07T09:23:00.000-05:00

I've been out of commission for a day, largely because I was so scarred by Monday night's horror show and the noxious fumes I ingested from "Berkman" (not Bagwell, Shafty... everybody knows that Berkman has worse gas), who was holding his kid to boot.

Thus, I figured I'd go ahead and let out what has probably been one of the most frustrating observations I've had for some time over our beloved Astros. They are numbered for your reading pleasure. Oh, and the $10.75 refers to how much "nachos" (chips with spicy cheese on them) and a Coke cost me at the ballpark.

Monday's Abominations

1. Serving a steady diet of 94-96 mph fastballs and 85-88 mph sliders, Crazy Carlos Zambrano manages to baffle our hitters. Here's a hint, "hitters": widen your stance, get off the nob, and take a two-strike approach (since you know you're going to have two strikes anyway)!

2. Down 1-0 with one out and runners at 2nd and 3rd in the 2nd Inning, Gar[d]ner pulls the infield in. Nice confidence there, Gar[d].

3. After successfully executing the drawn-in, out-at-the-plate play, The Magnet (b/c his ball seems to uncannily drift over the heart of the plate) manages to get two strikes on Crazy Carlos. CC then fouls off several pitches before launching a ball into the Astros bullpen. HATE.

4. With less than two out and a runner at first, a routine double-play ball is hit to Biggio. He comes up close to the basepath to field it. Instead of flipping to Bruntlett at 2nd and on to 1st for the "twin killing," The Bidge decides to try to tag the runner... and fails. At this point he opts to forego the preferred option of getting the lead runner out, and throws to 1st. Lamb alertly fires to 2nd, but not in time to nab Walker, who would later score on a single.

5. Morgan Ensberg, who currently appears to prefer walking to hitting.

6. The newly dubbed "E-10" (since 10 isn't a position on the field), referring to the horrendous blunder by the Astros' stadium announcer, who announced, "Now batting, Number Seventeen, Lance BERKman..." as Mike Lamb stepped to the plate. Berkman had gotten out in the previous inning.

7. The fact that we almost got no-hit (and ended up getting 1-hit) by Crazy Carlos and the Cubs.

8. Although it was a heroic moment, the fact that Special K/P-Dub/Master K/K Money/K Dawg got our only hit... and that on an inside-out mistake of a HUGE swing. I haven't cheered that hard since Bonds struck out looking, or since Potato Chips drilled him after 5 pitches.

9. There were far too many Cubs fans at Minute Maid Park. And note to you punks: If I go to Bubble Gum Field and the Astros are playing your team, I'll cheer for mine; but I won't make an a$$ of myself by screaming and jeering in someone else's ballpark. You punks probably cheered for the White Sux last year, too. I bet you have posters of A.Gay Peerpunksy on your walls. You probably dream about Scott Roidsednik, too. Neat.

10. The fact that the team lost the game in the second inning.

Don't get me wrong, Berkman looked great at the plate last night, and I'm glad we won; but for crying out loud... on the teams' home page, the top three stories are, in this order:

1) Chris Sampson will make his first ML start.

2) The Astros see potential in some red-faced baby boy named Sapp.

3) Roger owned his opponents in the Single-A game. Wait... should we be surprised by this? For crying out loud, the guy's a freaking future HOF, living legend! I do think it'd be cool to be the adolescent who hit the bomb off him, though. I'd freaking frame that ball.

Then, and only then, is there made mention of last night's win. Ridiculous. Priorities, guys... c'mon!

Oh, and The Mole just couldn't stand not giving up at least one run. He pisses me off.

Have a great day, everybody!

Today's Obsession

2006-06-06T13:50:00.000-05:00

I just found out that Peeping Tom's debut album has just been released. PT is the latest project from former Faith No More frontman (and "noise rock renaissance man") Mike Patton. I was--and am--an enormous FNM/Patton fan and, with the exception of his "experimental music" band Fantomas, have enjoyed just about all of his post-FNM forays (including Tomahawk, which has been one of my favorite bands since its inception).

Ipecac Recordings seems to be taking a seemingly more traditional route to marketing PT than it had with other artists, including the preparation of one of those fancy multi-million dollar music videos that features Danny DeVito, among others.

Peeping Tom was on Conan O'Brien's show about two weeks ago, playing their first single, "Mojo." You can check their performance out:

"Mojo" is also streaming from PT's MySpace page. I've found this song to be extremely catchy today. If you like Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Tomahawk, or any of Patton's other projects, or Norah Jones (who shows up on this album), you might want to at least check it out.

Finding of the Day

2006-06-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

Flashes of Jose Canseco, courtesy of YouTube and an unnamed Phillies center fielder:

Not quite sure who this is; Aaron Rowand is #33; #22 is currently held by reliever Arthur Rhodes. Amusing nonetheless.

Nostradamus Works Here

2006-06-06T10:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I opined as follows:

The Astros' starter for Game Three is still listed as TBA vs. the Cubbies' Sean Marshall. I'm supposing that Garner is still holding out hope that Oswalt will be ready to go on Wednesday. It says here, though, that we'll have to get a spot start out of Chris Sampson or a AAA call-up.

Sure enough, Oswalt will miss his next start. Chris Sampson is now listed as the probable Wednesday starter.

I hate being right all the time; it's a rather difficult burden to shoulder.

Astros Renaissance Delayed One More Day

2006-06-06T10:35:00.000-05:00

Houston city officials have warned residents to stay indoors today because of unusually heavy smog brought on by an intense release of methane gas in downtown Houston last night beginning on or about 7:05 P.M. Phat-C and I--having been in the affected area at the time last night--had assumed that the noxious odor was entirely coming from the fat guy wearing the Bagwell jersey walking in front of me:

Phat-C: *wrinkles nose* Did you rip?
Shafty: Nope. *points* I think Bagwell did.

Poor Bagwell. His career is pretty much over, and his name is still being associated with crappy stuff that he didn't do. Such as having to reside on the 40-man roster of what is--right now--a team playing the worst baseball in the National League.

No, although "Bagwell" didn't help the overall air quality last night, the worst odors emanated from the baseball "team" that took the field last night against Carlos Zambrano and the Cubs. Earlier in the day, Phil Garner sat his team down for a closed-doors meeting in which he lit into them about their crappy performance of late. The inspired Astros then went out and laid an enormous turd on the field.

The game last night was so poor from every angle that I just see no need to break its awfulness down from every angle. Instead, I'll hit a few points very quickly, and get on with the rest of my day:

Knowing how much we struggle to hit Carlos Zambrano, it's nice to see that Taylor Buchholz went out and kept us in the game. Good work. *slow clap*
The "Play of the Game" shown on the Jumbotron last night consisted of Eric Bruntlett's having fielded a grounder with the fielders in, and throwing home to get the runner. The very next batter (the Cubs' pitcher, it turns out) then hit a three-run homer. The net effect of the "Play of the Game," then, was that the Cubs scored just as many runs as they would have had the infield played back--but somebody else would have gotten the RBI instead of Carlos Zambrano. Either way, playing the infield in in only the second freaking inning displays that Garner has absolutely no confidence in his team's ability to score runs. Not an unfair belief, mind you but, if your manager doesn't believe in you, who will? I'm reminded of Phat-C's college baseball coach who, looking to motivate his team, uttered the following words of wisdom:

"You Guys F__king Suck!"
Thanks, Coach. Real inspiring.
Biggio's decision to throw to first late in the game, instead of getting lead runner Todd Walker, was a complete abomination. Walker would go on to score on a hit that would not have scored the runner on first.

So the task of beginning the Astros Renaissance now falls on Magic Wandy, against Kerry Wood and the Cubs. Good thing we've never had any trouble with Wood in the past.

Great Artists of the New Millenium

2006-06-05T14:45:00.000-05:00

I have to agree with Deadspin--this has to be, without question, the greatest painting of a football player (Bill Romanowski, it turns out) fighting a demonic horse from Hell to save the castle, that I've ever seen.

Now this is ART!

My Lineup

2006-06-05T12:51:00.000-05:00

In following Shafty's lead, I have to give my own personal lineup of choice for our beleaguered Astros. Here we go...

Biggio - 2B
Burke - LF
Berkman - RF
Lamb - 1B
Ensberg - 3B
Ausmus - C
Taveras - CF
Bruntlett - SS
P

My thoughts...

1) Biggio has done better in the leadoff spot consistently in his career. I think it's a mental (or maybe even stubborn) thing, but still.
2) Burke has proven he's valuable at the top of the lineup. He makes things happen and can sacrifice bunt if necessary.
3) Berkman doesn't belong anywhere but here.
4) Lamb is providing more bang for the buck right now, and he's driving in runs when given the opportunity.
5) Maybe Morgan will get some better pitches to hit with Ausmus behind him? His recent lack of RBI production drops him down right now for me.
6) Ausmus is still getting some hits, so I think he deserves it... if for no other reason than getting a breather from the lineup cellar from all these years.
7) Taveras has speed and can hit a little, but his low on-base percentage and lack of versatility drop him down in my opinion. This'll give him the chance to move some runners and get some pitches.
8) Bruntlett provides spark at the bottom of the order, and having him and Taveras both down there is like a softball lineup... you have a second leadoff combination.

Well, love it, hate it, or don't care... that's my thought. Granted, it could change in an hour.

Astros Need a "Power Outage"

2006-06-05T12:05:00.000-05:00

"What?!? Certainly not," you say.

Allow me to explain.

Shafty and I have a little unwritten rule about sports video games. If you've ever played one, you know that they're relatively easy to dominate on the "normal" setting. In fact, they often even make you feel good about yourself by labeling the "normal" setting as "pro" or something. However, increasing the difficulty setting to "all-star" (or whatever they choose to call it) doesn't increase the challenge of the game. Instead, it increases the cheat factor of the computer (e.g., you try to hit a batter, but he hits a 500-ft. homerun instead... even though the pitch was at his head).

When this sort of phenomenon begins, Shafty and I tend to execute our rule, dubbed "Power Outage." What this means is that, when the computer begins to get uncontrollably cheap, we graciously bestow a "power outage" on the game, such that it restarts... "on its own." In other words, we hit the reset button. We then go in and proceed to cheap (yes, I used it as a verb) the computer to the tune of 23-0 or something. One-sided? Yes. Hypocritical? Probably, but it's a computer. Losing isn't the issue. It's getting cheaped that sucks.

So...

Have the Astros been cheaped? Yes. The computer has unsympathetically allowed us to get our hopes up by letting us go 19-9, and then dropped us in the dumps. We are now being robbed by Ryan Freel (who also had two... TWO... bombs yesterday). Ken Griffey, Jr., hasn't been injured in a while. We somehow can't hit Aaron Harang, The Page, or that AAA guy that started yesterday. For some reason Edwin is making plays. And the list goes on.

To make matters worse, our offense has--to quote Derek Bell--gone into "Operation Shutdown."

We need a "Power Outage." And we need it NOW.

Astros Look to Bolster Lineup vs. Cubs, Zambrano

2006-06-05T11:49:00.000-05:00

Tonight the Astros look to rid themselves of their losing ways against everybody's favorite slump remedy, the Chicago Cubs. (Apparently there is a more proven slumpbuster, but remember that I described it not as the "most effective slumpbuster" but, rather, that which most ballplayers would prefer in a head-to-head competition.

The local boys are certainly in need of a boost, as they now have roughly a 1-in-25 shot of making the playoffs. Clearly, they've already given up on trying to chase the Cardinals, as I've seen more than a few quotes already in which they attempted damage control by pointing out that they're only X games out of the wild card. Way to shoot for the stars, boys.

The Astros Renaissance begins tonight against the psychotic-and-always-entertaining Carlos Zambrano who--given Dusty Baker's penchant for overworking his pitchers--should be expected to join Prior and Woods on the official "When Healthy" disabled list. Given our relative inability to hit Zambrano, the Astros should have sprung for a nice, fast laptop with a great capacity for downloading por... err, "e-mailing relatives."

Opposing Zambrano is Taylor Buchholz, who sports a muscular 3-4 record and 5.55 ERA. Game Two expected starters are Kerry Wood vs. "Magic" Wandy, who--like Cletus--is slated to start on short rest after having been bombed in his last outing. The Astros' starter for Game Three is still listed as TBA vs. the Cubbies' Sean Marshall. I'm supposing that Garner is still holding out hope that Oswalt will be ready to go on Wednesday. It says here, though, that we'll have to get a spot start out of Chris Sampson or a AAA call-up.

Perhaps we need Oswalt to pitch, if only for the expected confrontation with Michael "Marty" Barrett such as the one that propelled the 2004 Astros into a twelve-game winning streak, wild card, and a seven-game NLCS appearance. (Rumors that Barrett was voted a playoff share by the Astros were unconfirmed.)

Eric Bruntlett will start at shortstop agains tonight, as Adam "Mendoza" Everett will miss his fifth game in the row. This layoff had first been described as Everett's simply getting a day off, but has blossomed into what may be a roster battle or platoon situation:

"I have not made a decision that it was anything permanent or semi-permanent or what have you," Garner said. "If Bruntlett did get 10 hits, I would probably continue to play him on a day-by-day basis.
"But just because a guy goes into a slump, it doesn't mean he has to lose his job right away. We do need to win some ballgames, and if that coincides with us slumping as a team, then I'm going to try to find a combination to get something going."

Showing once again that he's really just guessing at a lineup, and only a few losses away from simply drawing the lineup out of a hat, Gar had this to say about moving Biggio back to the leadoff spot:

"We won a bunch of games with Biggio leading off, and maybe it's time to try that back," Garner said.

How about this, Gar: batting guys where they belong in the lineup, and keeping a consistent lineup with the best-producing players, rather than moving everybody around every game? I suggest something like this:

CF Taveras
2B Biggio
RF Berkman
3B Ensberg
1B Lamb
LF Burke
C Ausmus
SS Bruntlett

In this lineup, Preston Wilson rides the pine, as does Jason Lane. Speaking of Special K, he could learn a thing or two about discipline at the plate from Pan-Kun, the Monkey/Rightfielder:

I've heard that the Astros are in talks with Pan-Kun's representatives about bringing on the diminuitive right-fielder as a "special hitting instructor" to the Astros.

This Just In: Gar[d]ner Did Something Stupid

2006-06-04T21:06:00.000-05:00

Again.

Since Brandon Backe went down on the DL once again this season--having decided that being on the shelf most of last season was delightfully fun--the Astros' rotation has consisted of Roy Oswalt, Andy "Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel" Pettitte, Taylor Buchholz, [Magic] Wandy Rodriguez, and Fernando Nieve.

Roy-O appears to have been healing slowly from the nagging injury that caused him to leave his last start a bit early (prompting another sucky performance from the bullpen), so Phil Gar[d]ner opted not to start Oswalt Saturday (his scheduled start). I'm in agreement with this.

What frustrates me is how Gar[d]ner chose to deal with the situation, after scratching Os from his scheduled start. Ultimately, he decided to pitch Cletus on only three days' rest (having trusted Cletus's well-informed opinion--given his injury problems the past few years--that he was capable of coming back on short rest and pitching well). In doing so, Gar completely eschewed the well-based statistic that those who pitch on short rest do so at their peril, with much less effectiveness than usual.

The trouble really stems from the fact that Cletus's usual effectiveness is, well, not really there too much this year. Then you throw him on short rest, which certainly doesn't enhance the chances of Cletus's escaping this year injury-free, instead of throwing a perfectly-rested Fernando Nieve.

Phil's logic was that the off day on Thursday afforded the Astros the opportunity to skip Nieve's spot in the rotation. He was hoping (dreaming seems a more appropriate term) that Oswalt would be ready to go after one more day of rest (Sunday). Naturally, Oswalt wasn't. Obviously, it's not fair to judge somebody's decisions by hindsight. The timing of this post will suggest that this is precisely what I am doing.

Actually, though, I disagreed with the notion when it was first posited as a possibility. If Roy-O is still recovering from injury, the last thing I want to do is throw him out there too early and risk permanent (or season-ending) injury. Nor do I really want him to pitch in pain, because that just isn't going to do swell things to one's prospects of winning the game.

(BTW, I wish it were as easy for the Astros to find a win every now and then, as it is for me to spot goofy-looking people sitting right behind home plate. Where do they get this group of bozos from--the street outside the park?)

But the chances of Roy being (a) unable to pitch on Saturday, but (b) fully recovered on Sunday, are just remote. They were then, they are now. (Well, it's now documented truth, as of Sunday night.) So Gar[d]ner was likely to have to throw Nieve out there, anyway. Why not go Nieve-Cletus, both on full rest, than Cletus (on short rest)-Nieve? Stupid.

Sure enough, Nieve pitched pretty well today. Too bad our freaking anemic offense decided that two hits (or something like that--I was sort of watching the game while trying to build a treehouse with a set of instructions that labeled parts A through AR, and had a ton of different bolts and nuts, although one was naturally missing and necessitated a trip to the hardware store--I saw only bits and pieces of the game) was all they really wanted to put up in regulation today.

Cletus, of course, pitched poorly. Freaking Bronson Arroyo out-RBI'd the Astros. Totally weak.

So Nieve-Cletus would have done nobody any harm, and given Oswalt two days' extra rest. If he weren't able to go by then, you start wondering if something more sinister is in order, and bring up Jason Hirsch for a spot start. Lord knows there are some folks deserving of joining Mike Gallo in Round Rock for a few days.

So great work, Gar. 3 games under .500, after being swept by what was a slumping Reds team. Crap!

Pitching 101

2006-05-31T16:20:00.000-05:00

or, How to Make Guys Look Like This at the Plate.
Okay, I feel like it's time to have a discussion on pitching, especially after our latest disAstro performance on the hill by Gallows. I figured that it'll help the average viewer/fan appreciate our frustrations with Astro pitching a little more if he/she understands the nuances of being effective in the circle.

Let me give a quick disclaimer. I am a firm believer in hard work, focus, and desire; but that doesn't amount to anything without talent. So it's a happy marriage of the two that produces the exceptional players. What I'm about to say isn't rocket science, but it's amazing how quickly the "simple" stuff can get lost. Okay, enough. Here we go...

How to Pitch and Get Guys Out

Here are a few simple rules for being a successful pitcher. Granted, you can throw a no-hitter and still lose. Some of the best have gotten no run support and lost 1-0 (a la Roger Clemens last year). But sticking to these rules will give you a good, solid chance at having a nice career.

Above all rules, pitchers should stay relaxed without losing their intensity, focused without over-thinking, and aggressive without being foolish.

1) Get Ahead, Stay Ahead. The worst thing a pitcher can do is get behind in the count. The goal of every pitcher is to get the batter out, so the best way to do this is to put him on the defensive immediately. When you're ahead as a pitcher, you force the hitter to swing at your pitches. You don't have to give in, and you're in control. Thus, first-pitch strikes are paramount. If you've got effective command, a first-pitch curveball is ideal because most hitters look fastball. It's an easy strike that puts you ahead. We can talk about that later, though.

Of course, getting ahead is nice; but you also have to stay ahead. A first-pitch strike means nothing if you turn around and throw two straight balls.

2) Hit Your Spots. This begins with having a plan. Know where you want to throw the ball and throw it there. Have an idea of how you're going to work the hitter and then do it. Remember, the goal is to make him play your game, not the other way around. If you miss your spot and he rakes it, that's on you. You're going to lose the battle sometimes (e.g., you throw a dirtball and he golfs it for a double); but you won't very often if you hit your spots.

3) Mix Your Pitches. There are very few pitchers who are successful when throwing the same pitch over and over (or the same pitch at the same point in the count). Unless a certain pitch is clearly overmatching the hitter, mix it up and keep his timing off. You want him off balance, out of sync, and again... chasing your pitches. If you keep him guessing, he's yours.

4) No Free Passes. Walks are a pitcher's worst nightmare. It "never" fails that a leadoff walk results in a run. The only walks that should be administered are intentional (and sometimes "non-intentional" intentional) ones. Remember... your objective is to get the hitter out. He wins when he touches base safely.

5) No 2-Strike Hits. If you get two strikes on a hitter, you need to put him away. This is bound to happen from time to time (even if you make your pitch), but if you keep it to a bare minimum, you're going to enjoy life on the hill a lot more. There's nothing worse than knowing you had a guy and then letting him slip away. This almost always comes back to haunt you.

6) If You Hit Guy, Mean To. What? That's so mean, Phat-C. No, it's not. It means that you should never hit a batter unless you mean to. Sometimes pitches get away. Sometimes you miss your spots. But it seems like the main problem here lies in combination with #5 above... over-aggressiveness with two strikes. Here you've got a guy on the ropes, and you give him a free pass by missing your spot and hitting him. You've just broken three rules on one pitch. Bob Gibson was the master of making guys uncomfortable, but he seldom hit them without intending to. I'm not suggesting that pitchers should throw at hitters. I'm just making the point that you should NOT hit them by accident.

7) Don't Waste Pitches. It's one thing to get a guy down 0-2 and then waste a pitch to make him chase it; but I'm a proponent of getting hitters out by any means possible. This means that a strikeout is not always the best avenue. Be effective with your pitches. If you waste one and he doesn't bite, give him a pitch that's too close to take but that he can't do anything with. He's out either way that way... unless he gets lucky (which sometimes happens).

8) Mix Up Your Looks. This applies with runners on base. When pitching from the stretch, don't get too predictable. You want to vary it up a little so the runner can't time you as easily. Mix your moves over to first (some fast, some regular). Mix in a slide step if you can. All of these things can help prevent the runner from having an extra advantage... especially since he shouldn't be there in the first place.

9) Remember You're a Fielder. After you let go of the ball, you become a fielder. On your follow-through, be prepared to field your position and field it well. You wouldn't appreciate the shortstop's taking a lazy approach on a groundball, so you shouldn't either. This is another way to further frustrate opposing hitters. A note on this as well... if one of your teammates makes an error, pick him up. I guarantee you he'll pick you up more often with a nice play than you'll have to pick him up by getting the next guy. Pitchers who dwell on fielders' errors are not consistently successful.

10) Practice Good Mechanics. You've got to do things the same way every time. It makes adjustments that much easier, and it also allows you to do it naturally (without thinking). The less you have to think about mechanically, the more you can concentrate on your objective... getting the hitter out. Plus, it allows you to narrow down your struggles better. Example: When Roy Oswalt is not on his A-game, you'll notice he "falls" off the mound to his left quite a bit. This is somewhat natural for right-handers, but I'm talking dramatically. What's the indication? He's most likely over-throwing, which knocks his mechanics out of whack. When he's on, you'll see him end up almost flush with the plate.

So, that's a very basic 10-rule process to making yourself a good pitcher. It's amazing that more guys don't have success when you look at how easy this is. BUT... I'd be willing to guarantee that if a Major League pitcher executes these 10 rules with consistency, he'll win the majority of his starts (even with an occasional lack of run support).

Remember... if they're not on base, they can't score.

Right Now I Pretty Much Hate Mike Gallo

2006-05-31T16:00:00.000-05:00

In his infinite wisdom, Phil Gar[d]ner opted to bring in struggling lefthander Mike Gallo to pitch in the bottom of the eleventh inning of a tied ballgame. The GameCast reads as follows:

B Looper grounded out to second.
Y Molina doubled to deep left.
A Miles reached on an infield single.
H Luna lined out to third.
A Eckstein hit by pitch, Molina to third, Miles to second.
S Taguchi singled to center, Molina scored, Miles to third, Eckstein to second.

Game over; Astros lose, 4-3.

Why Mike Gallo continues to have a job is beyond me. I'd like to keep my criticisms of a ballplayer on a professional level, that is, to criticize the player and not the man. His continued failures that have caused the Astros to lose ballgames, however, have led me to begin to hate Mike Gallo.

I don't want that to happen, for Gallo to join the ever-increasing list of players whom I wish would come down with a case of explosive diarrhea. For my sanity, and for that of Astros fans everywhere, could somebody relieve this guy of his spot on the 25-man roster?

Please.

Official Fan Site of Anjay Ajodha

2006-05-31T14:01:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow ABC is televising the final round of the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee.

We here at Smell the Glove wish to throw our support behind Houstonian Anjay Ajodha who, for the unenlightened, holds the record as the youngest contestant ever in the national spelling bee. By now, however, Anjay is a seasoned veteran--this is his third trip to the national competition.

As of last year, the last time the national folks updated Anjay's profile page (get with it, dammit, we expect updated content from a website!), Anjay enjoyed participating in his school's math and science club. He is/was an avid computer enthusiast, is designing a web page at present, plays video games, the French Horn, and the piano, and kicking the arses of other would-be spellers.

Anjay has already demonstrated his proficiency at this year's competition by breezing through the first and second rounds (including an arse-kicking spelling of the word burnettize which, as everybody knows, means... well, hell, that word isn't even in my dictionary; this kid apparently knows how to spell words that don't even exist!)

Rock the mic, Anjay. We're behind you. When you win, we'll somehow find a way to print up a special Smell the Glove T-shirt, and send it to you.

GameCast: Astros vs. Cardinals, 12:10 PM

2006-05-31T12:17:00.000-05:00

The first sign that the apocalypse is near:

Orlando Palmeiro is batting lead-off for the Astros... and he led off today's game with a double. Berkman capitalized by driving him in, one batter later.

I seem to remember that, for reasons unbeknownst to me, we don't seem to hit Jeff Suppan very well. This is why I'm a bit in shock.

It Is Done.

2006-05-31T11:10:00.000-05:00

Guess Newsday wasn't so stupid, after all. The Astros scheduled a press conference for 11:00 AM to announce that Fat Rog has returned to the Astros for another season. As was hinted at in today's literary diversion, I suppose this means that Fernando Nieve is ultimately destined for AAA or the bullpen.

I'd heard yesterday that Rog has been working out, but he'll clearly need a few weeks to get into pitching form again. Perhaps a decision on the odd man out in the rotation could be decided by Taylor's and Fernando's respective performances from now until then. (Wandy has to be a safe bet to remain, I'm thinking.)

Woot.

Today's Literary Diversion

2006-05-31T10:59:00.000-05:00

And, once again, I present for your consideration another hump day haiku:

Goodbye, Fernando.
Off to the bully for you;
Fat Rog rides again!

BIG Win... Astros 6, Cards 3

2006-05-31T08:04:00.000-05:00

Now on to the stuff that matters...

Last night was encouraging, I have to say. I got home late, turned on the TV, and saw we were locked in a 1-1 tie in the fourth inning. My first thought? Thank You, God, that Pettitte has given up only one run. My second thought? How the hell have we scored only one run off this AAA guy?

The Astros continued their funk at the plate through the first part of the game. Ensberg still looks horrible at the plate (0-4, 3 K's), and Ausmus has definitely begun his decent to Ausmusness (normality). Nevertheless, we had a game.

Then it happened. Just like that, AP falls behind Scott Rolen. pause... you never want to fall behind Scott Rolen... play So true to the recent form of the Astros' staff, Pettitte drifts one over the heart of the plate, and off it goes. Now here's where it gets funny (in retrospect... cursing at time). Juan Encarnacion hit a homer on the next pitch, but it was missed because they were still showing the replay of Rolen's bomb. I thought to myself, Well isn't that a b*tch. Juan-E hits one so fast that they don't even have time to show it. He gets replayed. Of course, my thoughts after that are non-publishable due to their graphic content.

So we're on familiar ground, losing 3-1 to the Cardinals late in the game. Chris Burke then started a seventh-inning rally with a 1-out, 0-2 double (bad Reyes) to left. Brad Ausmus then followed with a single to left to put runners on the corners. Then, God bless him, Gardner does one of the things I begged him to do in a recent post... he pinch hit with Mike Lamb. Like in most cases, Lamb delivered with an RBI-single to narrow the deficit to 3-2.

Then it seemed like the Cards got a taste of what it's like to be an Astro. Orlando Palmeiro (one of Shafty's favorite players right now), pinch hit for AP. He, too, delivered with an RBI-single that scored Ausmus. Lamb, being aggressive on the bases (which I think was a great decision), hustled to third, prompting a throw from "The Man Who Doesn't, In Fact, Exist." His throw was SO errant, and Lamb raced home for a 4-3 lead, while Palmeiro took third because of the dead ball.

With the infield drawn in, Willy T. showed that he's still a rookie at heart by swinging at a ball that virtually bounced, resulting in a groundout to Eckstein (he who, like Berkman, makes easy plays look hard). So, with two out and one on, The Bidge delivered with a HUGE 2-run blast to put us up for good, 6-3. This guy is truly unbelievable. It's been difficult at times, but what a treat to have been able to watch a future Hall of Famer play his whole career here.

Anyway, to top it off, Potato Chips and Wheels pitched scoreless innings (even though Wheels played mind games with me... he was trying to make me panic, I just know it), and The Mole pitched one of his best outings of the season.

So, a big win for the good guys, putting us "up" into third place, 1.5 games behind the Reds (who, I believe, are destined to fall), and 6.5 behind the Cards. Hopefully Taylor will have a great outing this afternoon and we can take the series.

Venting...

2006-05-31T07:35:00.000-05:00

Before I discuss last night's great come-from-behind victory, I have to vent something about the media. No offense to the Rocket, as I'd be as happy as anyone else if he came back, but it pisses me off to no end that our boys rallied from behind and the top story is Roger Clemens' "rumored" return.

Don't get me wrong... I love the guy, but I hate the fact that the media uses him to overshadow the team. I can't imagine how the SF Giants must feel. I hope he comes back, but I am so sick of hearing about it.

Sorry, enough of that.

The Current State of Things

2006-05-30T13:05:00.000-05:00

Our pitching has been subpar; our fielding has been subpar; our hitting has been abysmal. So what do we do?

There are, of course, the age-old cliches:

"It's a long season. We've just gotta' take one game at a time."
"You've got to tip your cap to the [fill in opponent]."
"Baseball's a game of ups and downs..."

Or, we could start speaking practically about what needs to be done. Last year's remarkable run from 15-30 to the World Series was unbelievable; but it'd be foolish to assume it could be done again, especially the very next season. They say that World Series are not won in May, but they're definitely lost. The Astros are currently in danger of building such a large gap between themselves and their division competitors that it'll be ridiculously hard to make up after the All-Star Break.

You say, "Phat-C, Phat-C, you're getting WAY too ahead of yourself." Maybe. But here's what I propose for some more immediate results...

1. Special K: Preston's been on a bit of a surge lately, but it still hasn't been all that impressive. To be honest, from what I've noticed it looks like the majority of his recent hits have been bloopers with eyes. Granted, he did hit one pretty hard that bounced off Rolen for an RBI yesterday; but that's about it. His swing looks like my golf swing... which is definitely not a compliment. Suggestion: I think we ride him out a little longer and see if he starts to pick up the pace. If he returns to his earlier form, he needs to sit.

2. Jason Lane: Granted the guy has 9 homeruns, but still. He looks clueless at the plate right now; and what's more, Gardner has labeled him a "worrywort," which doesn't speak well. In other words, he tends to get overly mental over both his successes and failures, the latter of which have been more prevalent as of late. Jason's got good ability, but he's holding himself back by thinking too much. Suggestion: Send him down to AAA to work out his issues, and call up Luke Scott or Charlton Jimerson, both of whom have been on tears lately.

3. Adam Everett: Adam's in a funk at the plate, though we could make the case that he's always in a funk at the plate. He's invaluable on the field, and I truly believe he's one of--if not the--best shortstops in the league. But I'd take someone with a little less "razzle-dazzle" who's going to help the team at the plate. Adam's stranded six runners way too many times. I'm encouraged that we're getting runners on base, but not that he's leaving them there. Suggestion: Split time a little more evenly with Eric Bruntlett at shortstop, and get him in the cages with Gaetti.

Notes to Gardner:

• Stop taking Roy Harvey out so early. Unless he's injured (which he apparently was yesterday), leave him in there for at least 120 pitches. He's proven he can handle it.

• Stop pitching Trevor Miller when we have a lead. Consider using Borkowski earlier.

• USE MIKE LAMB WHEN YOU'VE GOT A CHANCE TO TIE OR GO AHEAD!!!!

• See above.

The bottom line is that we need more production from just about everyone right now. Ensberg's been off lately, Biggio hasn't done much that's spectacular, Willy's okay, Berkman's still hurt, and Ausmus' superpowers are wearing off. We need to distribute the weight more evenly, and do it quickly, or we're going to sink.

Guys Who Need More Playing Time: Chris Burke, Eric Bruntlett, Eric Munson, Mike Lamb, Luke Scott, Charlton Jimerson

Guys Who Need to Pick It Up Quickly: Morgan Ensberg, Lance Berkman, Preston Wilson, Jason Lane, Adam Everett

Why So Taguchi Doesn't Actually Exist

2006-05-30T08:14:00.000-05:00

I began last night's Astros postmortem by trying to postulate an appropriate nickname for Cardinals outfielder So Taguchi. "Adverb" Taguchi was the best I could come up with. This morning, it occurred to me why I'm having such a difficult time coping with this topic:

So Taguchi Does Not, In Fact, Exist.

Bear with me here. What is the word "so," if nothing but a synonym for the word "very"? And "very," according to Mark Twain, is a word that should never exist in formal writing:

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

--Mark Twain

Theoretically, I could just refer to the Cardinals outfielder as "Damn Taguchi" but, at that point, my editor will intervene to delete it. And, notwithstanding his ever-present ability to frustrate my dear Astros, this guy's accomplishments just don't merit a one-word name, to date.

So we're left with a rift in the space-time continuum that can be resolved in only one fashion:

So Taguchi Simply Does Not Exist.

Those who actually understand the title of this blog will appreciate that spontaneous combustion affects at least a dozen people every year; it just isn't widely reported. Those who, by contrast, do not "get" the title of this blog seriously owe it to themselves to head to a video store at their next opportunity.

Nor is Taguchi's disappearance from the Earth unprecedented or illogical, as was demonstrated by the late, great Douglas Adams:

"I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."

"But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves that You exist, and so therefore, by Your own arguments, You don't. Q.E.D."

"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

"Oh, that was easy," says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing.

I apologize to the family of the once-So Taguchi, and to Cardinals fans everywhere--for their thorn-in-my-side outfielder has now been replaced by a somewhat less-productive alternative.

Boys, Meet Mario

2006-05-30T07:28:00.000-05:00

Let's take a little Tuesday morning stroll to look at some Astros batting statistics, shall we? Sorting by batting average, the following three statistics jumped out at me:

Adam Everett
.208
Jason Lane
.196
Orlando Palmeiro
.189

Through 52 games, then, the Astros sport three position players--of whom two have started the majority of games--flirting with the Mendoza Line.

Much has been made of the legendary "Mendoza Line," a phrase coined by Hall of Famer George Brett in reference to Mario Mendoza, a slick-fielding, crappy-hitting shortstop with the Pirates, Mariners, and Rangers in the 70's to early 80's.

Traditionally, the "Mendoza Line" refers to players whose batting average hovers at or around .200, although Mendoza himself actually batted .215 for his career. (There has therefore also been discussion of a .215 Mendoza line. If one omits his anomalous 1980 season--in which he crushed the ball to a tune of .245 while still sporting a sub-.300 OBP--his career batting average is actually .206. He also batted below .200 in three straight seasons and five times in his nine-year career.) In any event, lore of the .200 "Mendoza Line" has long outlasted memories of Mario's actual career batting line.

That Mario Mendoza was also a "slick-fielding shortstop" seems to have been largely forgotten. Are you listening, Adam Everett? (Career comparisons between the two may be unfair; Adam is actually a .248 hitter over his five-plus seasons.) The point remains that we cannot expect to compete with two regulars struggling to best a pornstache-wielding shortstop from the 70's.

I'd probably give Orlando Palmeiro a bye from this discussion, given how little playing time he's received. At the same time, however, I do query why we're spending some $1.9 million on a backup who almost never plays and, when he does, rarely musters better than yesterday's pinch-hit foul pop-up to Scott Rolen, given the presence of some pretty promising prospects down on the farm.

As was noted sarcastically on the radio this morning, it's not like the competition to be one of the Astros' corner outfielders is all that stiff: "Whose place are you going to take: Private Punchout (Preston Wilson), or Private Mendoza (Jason Lane)?"

I plan to do a bit more research to determine Adam Everett's overall impact on the team's run differential. (I think there have been some recent books that quantify a player's contribution to keeping the other team from scoring.) Adam Everett may perform decently in this analysis; I hardly expect Jason Lane to fare as well.

How much more patience should we have with Jason? I'm a bit weary of hearing, "He's young, he's having good at-bats, he'll adjust," given that this is a bit of a results-oriented business that's measured in wins and losses, not in "quality at-bats." (No matter the supposedly high quality of Jason's at-bats, by the way, the guy hitting ahead of him in the lineup will always ensure that the net effect of this dubious "quality at-bats" statistic is, at best, zero.)

Let's hear your thoughts, all two of our loyal readers.

Answer: Sucky.

2006-05-29T20:59:00.000-05:00

Question: How did the Astros' offense do against a starting pitcher who had severe control problems?

I've never understood why Jason Marquis has had such success against the Astros. He's now 5-1 against them over the last two seasons. He was described as "wildly effective," although one wonders whether today's success (7 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 1 ER) resulted from his competence so much as the Astros' ineptness. Their only run came in the third inning, when they had benefited from Marquis's wildness to the tune of Taveras's and Biggio's both getting plunked.

Somewhat off the topic: Biggio's being the active leader in hit batsmen has never been a function of his crowding the plate. Rather, his m.o. is to Roger Dorn his way on to base by leaning into anything close. He's mastered the art of turning his body away to make it look like he's trying to get out of the way of an inside pitch, all the while leaning his heavily-padded elbow into the oncoming pitch. He gets on base and gets his team a runner, while the elbow pad is probably the only thing getting bruised. (So "Adverb" Taguchi pulled a Biggio of his own a little while later, turning his elbow into an inside offering from Oswalt. At least Adverb wasn't wearing body armor.)

It's not like Biggio was the first one to figure this trick out out. I never minded Bagwell's wearing padding over his hands, if only because his hand had been broken in 1994; but for the strike, the time he was to lose would likely have prevented him from winning his only MVP award. But look at Bonds, who knows he can crowd the plate because--if he gets hit--it's the body armor taking the punishment, not him. That's why I appreciate that Russ Springer hit him where there was no padding.

Anyway, Morgan Ensberg followed up the back-to-back beanings by taking a walk of his own. Certainly, I don't want him striking out by swinging at bad pitches; we have enough guys doing that already. But, for Ensberg, not swinging the bat just isn't that great a feat. Special K--who struck out once in fear that his recent success might hamper his efforts to break Adam Dunn's record for strikeouts in a season--then drove Taveras in with an infield "hit" that Scott Rolen was simply unable to come up with.

Little did we know that that was to be all the offense we would muster all day. Pitiful.

Question: Was Phil Gar[d]ner's decision to lift Roy Oswalt a good one, or a sucky one?

We labeled Gar[d]ner as Chief Goat the last time he decided to pull Roy Oswalt too early in a game. As it turned out, that was as recently as Oswalt's last start before today: against Washington. The bullpen responded to their manager's faith in them then by blowing the game.

Gar[d]ner didn't learn from having been lambasted over here. Even though Roy-O had done a masterful job of keeping the Cards scoreless--and Poo-Holes 0-for-3, including a shameful three-pitch strikeout (only Albert's fifteenth all season)--Gar opted to pull Roy-O for the ever-productive Orlando Palmeiro, who celebrated the occasion by fouling out to third base.

Question: Rate the performance of the Astros bullpen.

Trever Miller--who should not be trusted with a lead, notwithstanding his three scoreless innings against the lowly Pirates--allowed a dink hit, got two walks, then got squeezed on a few calls in the process of walking John Rodriguez... who, by the way, appeared to be wearing eyeliner makeup today. So in comes Chad Qualls, who gave up the expected three-run homer to Poo-Holes. (It was so expected that I'd already tried to call Phat-C to predict what was to come as soon as Albert strode to bat, but misdialed; by the time I finally connected, the ball, the lead, and the game were gone. I suspect I need more practice working my telephone machine.)

Question: How does it feel to be a fan of a team that's started this ten-game road trip 2-6?

How do you think it feels? After a promising start to May (3-1 after a two-game sweep of the Cards), the Astros have fallen into the proverbial toilet of crappy (pun intended) pitching, fielding, and hitting. I guess those are the only parts of the game that they currently suck at, but I'm hard-pressed to think of what positives that might leave them? I can think of only two, at the moment:
The Astros have zero players whose first name is an adverb. There are three noun-named players (Lance, Willy, and Chad) whom I can identify, and I haven't the foggiest what kind of name "Wandy" is. But these names all beat the absolute hell out of "So."
I don't think any of the Astros were wearing makeup (not counting eyeblack, geniuses) today. The Cards? John Rodriguez was. I also suspect that Jimmy Edmonds--who was out of the lineup--was, too. Probably lipstick, too.

They Did It!

2006-05-28T20:07:00.000-05:00

Astros 5, Pirates 4 - Final, 10 innings

I don't think I've been this excited about beating the Pirates in a really, really long time. After last night's fiasco and the blowout the night before, I figured we were headed for a sweep (which would've been the Pirates' first series sweep since 2004) after going into the ninth down by four runs.

The Astros have a way of doing this to all die hard fans, however. They're ratings geniuses. Why, you ask? Look at it this way... they force you to watch every out. Just when you're ready to turn it off, they show just enough life to keep you going. Today was no different. According to Preston Wilson's postgame interview (he's remarkably better spoken than I'd thought), the team decided to focus on having "good at-bats." This proved successful as the good guys rallied for a 4-run ninth inning to tie it and then an RBI single by Wilson in the tenth to eventually win it (Lidge completed his 13th save... after allowing the first runner on, but still).

Fernando Nieve pitched exceptionally well, again (I think that having a rookie go 6.2 innings and give up 4 ER is great... especially considering the four runs came off of two swings on mistakes). Overall, I've been thorougly pleased (even despite Buchholz's recent ups and downs) with our younger guys. To have your number five starter from last year and two rookies going out there and giving you a chance almost every time is phenomenal. Now we have to get back to being able to count on wins from Roy Harvey and Cletus, and our offense needs to carry this "good at-bat" strategy (genius, isn't it?) into their future series.

Congratulations, guys... well deserved. Let's just hope we can carry the momentum into our series with the Cardinals.

Last Note: My only regret about this afternoon's win is that they didn't plunk Jason Gay. I can't stand that Canadian showboat. The guy acts like every homerun he hits is his first, trotting around the bases like a sweet gazelle, and then coming out of the dugout to wave his helmet as if he'd just given his team the lead or tied the game in Game 7 of the Fall Classic. The Billy Hatchers of baseball can do that, Jason. NOT YOU.

BOO, BARRY BONDS... RETIRE NOW, CHEATER. If he'd done it without the aid of illegal drugs (and yes, I feel the same way about Mcgwire and Sosa), I'd be happy for him. If his attitude didn't SUCK, I'd be happy for him. But I'm sorry, Barry... you've done this to yourself.

Disastros Slump at 5, Record at .500

2006-05-28T00:08:00.000-05:00

Astros 7, Pirates 8 - Final, 18 innings

There were so many things wrong with this game that I don't even feel like posting about it. All I will say is this...

We had the lead... TWICE... and our relievers couldn't do the job. Wheeler blew it in the eighth, and Gallo in the whatever-inning-it-was, both times with solo homeruns.

Unlike the Astros, the Pirates, who've been in the cellar virtually all season but have found new life (maybe because Sean Casey is almost fully recovered), played like they wanted to win. The Astros did not.

I'm so pissed off right now at this club that I don't even have the words. I think the team looks every bit as bad... if not worse... than it did last May.

The only good news? We're still at .500.

The horrible thing about that "good" news? Since going 19-9, we're now 6-16.

PULL UP! PULL UP!

Last Note: This is just the third series the Pirates have won thus far this season.

"The Sun Made Me Do It!"

2006-05-27T12:17:00.000-05:00

One thing I will say about us and the Astros is that when we're bad, we admit it. Unlike the Chicago Baby Bears who, as usual, must find some extenuating circumstance to blame. For, we all know they would've won the World Series had it not been for that fan guy with the headphones! Yeah, right...

In the latest episode of their blame-game ritual, the Cubs' overrated and over-emotional Carlos Zambrano was no-hitting the Braves going into the seventh inning, when, "pinch hitter Wilson Betemit lofted a fly that [Jacques] Jones lost in the glare."

"The sun made me do it!" cried Jones.

What makes this story even better is how the Cubbies managed to lose this one. Marcus Giles of the Braves scored from second on a routine fly ball to right. Jacques relays to NEFFY, who not only mishandles the throw, but then airmails the relays to home, allowing Giles to slide in safely.

This is cool on so many different levels. I think the only thing that beats it is when Tom "Flash" Gordon skipped a pickoff attempt off the runner's lid, sending it into the stands for extra bases and the loss.

Oh, and then there was the time Marty Barrett (yes, I know his name is Michael, but I don't like the guy, okay?) caught a runner (I believe it was Jimmy) halfway down the third base line and decided to throw to third, allowing Jimmy to trot home for the Philly win.

And then there was the time...

Man, I hate the Cubs.

New Rule: Don't Miss in the Happy Zone

2006-05-27T11:20:00.000-05:00

Phil Garner's take on the present state of his team's current badness hit the nail on the head: "When [Buchholz] missed, he missed in their happy zone, and they made something of it."

Memo to Astros: when you're playing one of the worst teams in baseball, you're supposed to win, and look good doing it!

I've got to believe that Taylor Buchholz has the stuff to be a solid starter. However, something's not right mechanically right now. In all of his bad starts (3 of the last 4), there's been talk of his ball drifting back over the plate. To me, this sounds like an adjustment problem. The amount of spin he either is or is not putting on the ball is causing it to veer from its intended location, back over the plate (and we're not playing Darth Robinson's team anymore, so that doesn't count).

Adjust, Taylor. When you see your two-seamer drifting over the middle of the plate to a lefty, start it further inside. Risk beaning somebody for the sake of finding the right release point. That, or start it over the outside corner and let it drift off the plate. Make 'em chase it.

A lot of coaches discourage thinking on the ballfield: "Don't think, son. Just do it!" While this is actually sound advice for the overly mental (which all players deal with at some point in their careers), it nevertheless isn't sound advice for an extended stay in baseball. You must know what you want to accomplish and have a plan to do it.

Guys who can throw hard don't necessarily make good pitchers. Pitching is an art... how else would Greg Maddux or Tom Glavine or (dating myself) Ron Mathis make it in the Bigs? Not because they threw "hard," but rather because they could pitch. Getting guys out is an art. It takes fine-tuning and adjustments... especially with Big League hitters.

The same goes for hitting. Know what you want to do before you toe the box. Scan the field, look where they're playing you, know the situation, know what the team needs you to do... and do it. This is why it kills me when, with a runner in scoring position, we have guys trying to pull outside pitches over the wall. Go with the pitch, hit it the opposite way for a single, and score the run.

Alas, quality pitching and hitting are art forms. This is why there aren't more players in Major League Baseball. It is also why, consequently, many players make frequent trips to places like Toledo.

Astros, please, please, PLEASE show some life and come back and win this series. We absolutely have to make up some ground on St. Louis, Cincinnati, and (now) Milwaukee.

Last Note: I know I was a litte sarcastic about Washington Nationals Manager Frank Robinson, but I will say this... he showed tremendous class (and emotion) when explaining having to pull Matt LeCroy from catcher (after Wi-kee-kee had exited due to Special K's special bonk on the head). The Astros stole seven bases off LeCroy before Robinson pulled him. This moved Robinson to tears, not because of how horrible LeCroy was (though he'd not caught for a long time), but rather because he hated to see one of his players be embarrassed like that (the combo of the SB's and getting pulled). Now that's a good manager. Seriously, players appreciate it when managers are upset at having to take guys out... I'm sure Gardner feels the same about Lidge. It probably breaks his heart as much as it angers us.

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

2006-05-26T12:23:00.000-05:00

I must confess that I'm currently in the midst of trying to start a lunchroom fight between Houston Chronicle columnists Richard Justice and John P. Lopez. The issue? Richard's latest SportsJustice blog (which I actually find to be pretty insightful, at times, when he's not making himself the news story) led off with the following statement:

The Astros are in no position to make a trade. I can demand Tim Purpura make one, but that's what talk-show idiots do.

I found that particular statement to be pretty amusing inasmuch as Lopez's latest entry in his blog (which is right next to Richard's on the main Chronicle sports page, is entitled, "Make a Move, Purpura."

So I posted a comment on Lopez's blog to the effect of:

I think Richard just called you an idiot, John. Are you going to take that from PTI Boy? Stand up for yourself!

I posted a similar comment in Richard's blog, asking whether Richard was prepared to have John take him down in the lunchroom today.

No response yet; in fact, both reserve the right to not post "malicious" comments on their blogs. I would be surprised if Richard has nothing to say on the subject inasmuch as he clearly has an opinion on ALL subjects.

If, by contrast, my comment doesn't show up on Lopez's blog, I think that would probably be because I'm not 100% sure that Lopez actually knows how to turn on a computer, let alone run his own blog.

(Update 4:03 P.M.: Lopez sacked it up and approved my comment. Richard, to date, has not. Either he's preening himself for his next television appearance, or my comment did not contain enough flattery to warrant his attention. Or perhaps Lopez kicked his arse in the lunchroom, and he's recuperating--and allowing his dignity to recover--in the emergency room.)

You'd Expect Me to Be Heartless, Wouldn't You?

2006-05-26T09:19:00.000-05:00

So the Astros's disastrous 8-5 loss that dropped them to 6-1/2 games behind the Cards (and only 1/2 game out of fourth place) was sort of highlighted by the Good Guys' having stolen seven bases yesterday, the most against any one catcher since somebody stole seven against Mike Piazza a few years ago. The victim yesterday was Matthew Hanks LeCroy, who is listed by ESPN as a first baseman.

That sort of brings me to the point of this entry. Although Smell the Glove is intended to be a slap-in-the-face baseball blog, we'd like to occasionally balance out our harsh and sarcastic criticism with a few grains of truth here and there. And I mean a few; we don't need to get all journalistically responsible. One of my favorite quotes of all time, for example, is from another trial lawyer who said:

Don't Let the Facts Get in the Way of a Good Story.
So there are times when I'll probably make an off-the-wall statement with probably not one percent of truth in it, such as:

David Wells's opinion that Craig Biggio used steroids is no doubt one that was obtained through a careful, thoughtful examination of all of the evidence by a man who has always been known to think and act wisely.

Then there are those statements that may have a bit of truth in them, such as:

Had a reliable source uttered the same allegations against Jeff Bagwell--who, by the way, I consider to be one of the greatest Astros ever (and my favorite player)--I might be more inclined to pay attention to such claims.

And then there will be those statements where I will expect the reader to draw his own conclusions as to their truth (or lack thereof), such as:

Alex Rodriguez thoroughly enjoys all-night bouts of sex with goats.

In any event, you'd expect that I'd have had a lot of fun out of Matthew LeCroy's troubles yesterday. Well, no, for two reasons:

The Astros, led by Andy Pettitte's incompetence, still managed to find a way to lose yesterday.
Matthew LeCroy, by all accounts, is a good and decent man who was pressed into service as a catcher--despite not having played the position much in the past few years--because Special K decided to knock the gNats' backup catcher out of the game by bonking him in the head during one of his wild strikeout swings (of which there have been many this year--WATCH OUT, NL CATCHERS!!).

True, LeCroy is also described as playing catcher, as well, but the vast majority of his playing time over the past few years has been as the Twins' designated hitter:

Year

Games at C

Games at DH
Games at 1B
2005

1

63
23
2004

26

30
23
2003

22

63
17
2002

6

40
8
2001

3

9
2
2000

49

3
3

So, it's pretty clear that Matty hasn't been catching much over the past few years. I can't make fun of him about the stolen bases, then, given that--with the exception of Morgan Ensberg, who runs pretty well--6 of the 7 stolen bases were by guys with exceptional speed: Willy Taveras, Preston Wilson, Chris Burke, and Eric Bruntlett. Taveras should have many more stolen bases this year, except that Gar[d]ner came up with this foolish notion of batting him second, then keeping Willy on a tight leash for fear that pitchers would then give Berkman a free pass. This idea is ridiculous for at least two reasons:

This proposal effectively deprives the Astros of the benefits of having the fastest guy in the major leagues. (His home-plate-to-first time was measured not too long ago as being faster than anybody else's, including several left-handers--who have a shorter distance to run.)
What's necessarily wrong with having two men on--one in scoring position--with Ensberg batting? Gar[d]ner's idea shows very little respect for his cleanup hitter.

Bruntlett's also a bit of a speedster. Remember that last year, down the stretch, Bruntlett keyed a major rally against the Phillies by stealing second and third off of Billy Wagner in late innings.

So Smell the Glove has opted not to join in on the teasing of LeCroy. If we were talking about rotten catcher and reported sheep-lover Mike Piazza, that would be different.

Baaaaaaaaaa!

Diablog: gNats 8, Disastros 5

2006-05-25T17:31:00.000-05:00

This is the first in what we hope will be a long series of "diablogs" consisting of our respective thoughts on a particular topic (usually, an Astros game). The subject, alas, is today's 8-5 beatdown at the hands of the woeful Nationals that has dropped our beloved 'Stros to a mere two games above .500. Shafty's text is in blue, Phat-C's in red.

Ugh. For the record, this one can't be blamed on Special K, who went 4-for-5 with two runs, two stolen bases, an RBI, and no strikeouts. I am also continually impressed by the work of Dave Borkowski, who pitched two innings of scoreless one-hit ball today.

Special K looked today like the Kevin Bass of old (sorry for those Bass fans out there)... yippity-skippity when he goes 4-5 even though the team lost. Down in the dumps because he--sigh--struck out three times (again) but the team won. My thought is that it further shows how out of sync he is with the rest of the team. Arguably one of his best games at the plate, but it comes in non-pressure situations with hardly-if-anyone on base. Great game, OPPW (Over-Priced Preston Wilson), but unfortunately we need you to come through in more appropriate situations.

Borkowski could be in the middle of an anomaly year, but he is pitching like a reliable reliever should. He comes in, no matter the situation, and goes right at guys. I admire his tenacity, and I'd like to see him tested in more "crucial" situations (i.e., ones in which we're holding a narrow lead or tie). I like what I see.

Having doled out the compliments to those very few deserving souls, however, I'm not optimistic about the prospects for this road trip, which so far has started out 1-3. The possibility that this team falls back to .500 is looming rather large in our rear view mirror following this latest catastrophe in our nation's capital.

The problem currently seems to be that the Astros' normal "go-to" guys are not delivering. With all due respect to Roy Harvey ('cause you know I love the guy), that balk blunder was, in my "humble" opinion, the turning point in that game. Here he is, cruising along with a "comfortable" one-run lead, and his whole strategy gets knocked off kilter because of a balk. He boobed that one big time and he knew it. To make matters worse, Andy Pettitte had the opportunity to right the ship and pick his boys up. Instead, he continued his every-other-game pace of getting shelled. On top of all that, who stole Lance Berkman? Why has--with today as an exception--Morgan Ensberg been our only offense in the last week? No one is stepping up right now, and that hurts. It's time for people to start looking at Lance and Morgan the way they have Biggio and Bagwell for so long.

Clearly, the goat of the game is Andy Pettitte, who got lit up once again. 8 hits and 7 earned runs in only three innings. Unfortunately, the majority of the gNat's runs off Pettitte (5 out of 7) were scored with two outs in the inning. If Andy could have found some way to finish those innings, he's looking at only a 2-0 deficit... and we probably win this game.

We've been walking a lot of leadoff hitters. The old saying goes that if you walk the leadoff guy, he almost always scores. The Astros' pitching staff has committed, over the last month, virtually every cardinal (ooooh, I hate that word) sin in pitching. Here's a quick breakdown...

We've fallen behind the majority of the hitters we've faced. By contrast, Taylor Buchholz threw first pitch strikes to over 2/3 of the batters he faced. Pitching from behind on a consistent basis never leads to positive results.

We've been getting two-strike counts on hitters and then not finishing them off. Giving up two-strike hits is a BIG no-no... and we're not talking about full counts, either. These are 0-2 and 1-2 counts. Unacceptable. I'd rather a guy not go for the strikeout and just get outs than give in for the sake of the "big pitch"... especially when we're not hitting our spots (This goes back to the mind powers of Darth Robinson.)

After getting two quick outs, we've been giving up big innings. This amounts, in my opinion, to a lazy mentality. It's lack of focus... nothing has changed physically, and it's not like the rules of the game or pitching change mid-inning. What's happened is that the pitcher's concentration has relaxed and wandered. Instead of battling and staying ahead, we've been giving in to lackluster hitters.

We've failed to adjust mid-stream. Roy Harvey is probably the worst at this; but if you're falling off the mound after you delivery and you're missing your spots, perhaps you should make an adjustment. If you're leaving the ball up, lower your release point... etc. GQ Estacio is the perennial example of "Failure to Adjust."

Bottom line: We haven't been executing our pitches.

Joining Andy in the doghouse is Mike Lamb, who went 0-for-4 with three stikeouts and four men left on base. He also grounded into a double play with bases loaded in the first inning.

I love Mike Lamb and wouldn't trade him for Preston Wilson... uh... I mean.... yeah. Anyway, Mike left 5 runners on base and struck out three times... I think it's safe to say that's very uncharacteristic of him, but it's also evidence that mediocrity spreads like a virus, as does losing.

While on the subject of leaving runners on base... let's take a look at today's "winners" in that category (the Astros, by the way, stranded a remarkable 31 runners on base):

Adam Everett - 6
Mike Lamb - 5
Chris Burke - 4 (just coming back, so we should give this kid a break... he did, after all, beat the Braves in the 18th of Game Four). (And he's coming back from injury.)
Five Tied at Three: Brad Ausmus, Craig Biggio (in one at-bat, on a pop-up), Eric Bruntlett, Morgan Ensberg, Jason Lane.

I just don't have it in me to dissect this freaking awful game any further. At least we're consistent--we've found ways to lose with both good (Oswalt, Nieve) AND terrible (Pettitte) starting pitching. Next up is Pissburgh, followed by a weekend set against the Satanic Red Fowl.

With our stellar performance in Washington (who, by the way, has been one of the worst teams in baseball so far), we've now positioned ourselves firmly in THIRD place behind the Reds (by 2 games) and the Cardinals (by 6.5 games). I hate it when we do this... we squander opportunities to move up in the standings against mediocre to poor teams, thus putting more pressure on ourselves.

I've got to believe that the Reds will not keep up their second-place status. I'm more worried about the distance between us and the Cardinals, as well as the National League West, which seems to be a little better this year. Of course, the cliches still stand... "It's a long season. We've got to take it one game at a time." Disgustingly overused, but true. My biggest concern of all is that Lance Berkman left the game in the fourth with a "irritation of the right knee." That, my fellow warriors, is not good.

The Berkman Blues

2006-05-25T17:10:00.000-05:00

Well, warriors, it's official. Lance Berkman's knee hurts.

Apparently, he felt a "twinge" during Wednesday's game whilst stretching for an Adam Everett throw. Being the Lance that he is, he naturally picked the ball out of the dirt despite the "twinge." Today, unfortunately, was more than a "twinge" (yes, I'm doing that on purpose). While taking a rip in his second at-bat (which resulted in a walk), he "really hurt" it.

Gardner (our affectionate name for manager Phil Garner) has been "shaking up the lineup" as of late to try to jump-start this currently anemic offense. My question is this... Phil, me boy, why would you place a guy with an ailing knee (the same one that kept him out for a month of last season) in the outfield, where he has to run around and stuff? Who knows... it's all second-guessing, I suppose.

Let's just hope Lance takes it easy and prevents further "irritation" and "twinges." In the meantime, we've got to figure out how to start scoring runs again. After all, Lance hasn't really been shouldering the offensive production as of late... largely because there's been no offensive production as of late (with one exception).

LiveStrong, Lance... oh, wait... wrong Lance. Uh... get better.

Nuances & Nuisances

2006-05-25T11:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm finally here... I know you've all been holding your breath, turning blue in the face and grunting as if you'd "accidentally" swallowed half a bottle of Pepto after eating Chipotle; but never fear, I'm finally HERE!!!!

Now that that's out of the way...

Just so you know how my brain works, there are little things that thrill me that others find, well, annoying. Like the times when you're typing and words on the next line match words on the top line like this: ping and words on the next line...

Isn't that cool? Okay, maybe not to most "normal" people, but I'm not normal (shut up, Shafty).

You know what else is cool? Possessing the Jedi Mind Trick power... and USING it ! You know, kinda' like Frank Robinson did last night against my beloved Astros. We all know that it's not our fault we lost. No, Darth Robinson used the Mind Trick to convince not one, but all four umpires to call a balk.

Now before all of you Astro-haters (i.e., those of you who live outside of Houston) start crying about how it really was a balk, let me just say that I know. That's not the point, Danielsans. The point is that all of the schleps in blue missed the call. How, there's no telling... maybe there was a hot chick flashing her boobies, or more realistically, the kiss cam was on a guy with a beer who didn't want to kiss his sist... er... girlfriend.

Anyway, how is it that the entire staff blows a call; but when a mana-jedi comes out and complains--POOF!--call appears. At least they humored the Garr and let him complain.

On another Jedi note, the Dark Lord of the Sith (remember, he does manage a team from our capital) has other tricks up his sleeve. They've said Brad Lidge might be tipping his pitches. I think Darth Robinson is "guiding" them. So as not to be too terribly obvious, he mixes in the fat ones with balls in the dirt.

How, how my brethren, can we stop the dreaded Dark Lord from wreaking his mayhem on our beloved heroes? Alas, it is yet again up to me and Shafty to take out this evil threat and salvage this series.

Shafty, I hope you've washed your robe and dusted off your lightsaber. TO WAR!!!!!111

Lidge Getting Tipsy Again?

2006-05-25T11:22:00.000-05:00

Only Brad Lidge, Joe McEwing, and (presumably) Jim Hickey were privy to the details of how McEwing, and the rest of the National League, were able to pick up exactly what Lidge was about to throw. Of course, this isn't exactly rocket science--Lidge throws exactly two pitches: slider and fastball. (I'd love to see him pick up a changeup, to change speeds a bit more and make hitters have to guess.)

Brad hasn't been throwing his slider for strikes, though, so the guesswork has already been diminished for opposing hitters: sit on the fastball. Ignore anything that's below belt-high--that's the slider, and it sure isn't going to land for a strike. Belt-high or higher? Fastball. Crush it.

But last night, Brad got two pretty quick strikes against Matthew LeCroy, who then had a brief conference with the gNats' third base coach. Given that LeCroy had two strikes against him, you just know that they were not discussing strategy (as in the possibility of a squeeze bunt). It occurs to me that the third base coach is in a prime position to see how Brad's gripping the ball.

LeCroy returns to the batters' box and ignores the sliders (with a long confirmitory look to the third base coach in between each pitch), then walks.

Ward, Soriano, and Clayton all then hit Lidge as though they knew what was coming. Again, that Lidge throws only two pitches--and only ONE for strikes--pretty much eliminates the guesswork. But LeCroy's at-bat really makes me wonder whether Brad's tipping his pitches again, or whether third-base coaches are "stealing" the signs (or Brad's baseball fingering, at any rate), and communicating that info. to the batter.

(BTW, Brad's effectiveness against the Rangers doesn't diminish my theory, with the Rangers being in a different league and all.)

Leftovers...

2006-05-25T08:59:00.000-05:00

I hadn't wanted to ruin what was a perfectly good rant about last night's Astros suckfest by actually talking about the positives of the 5-1 drubbing. Those were reserved for this morning:

Just about every MLB team features a scoreboard race of some variety. In Houston, where our economy is largely driven by oil, our scoreboard race is of ... what else but gas-guzzling Hummers? In Washington, however, the scoreboard race is of the four Mount Rushmore Presidents engaging in a foot race.

They showed excerpts of last night's scoreboard race on the television; I never saw what happened to Jefferson inasmuch as the only remaining competitors were Washington, Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt. I'm also not exactly clear on the mishap that beset Honest Abe but, when they showed him, he was simply spinning in place as though he were a piece on one of those old electronic football games.

Washington won after he kicked a traffic cone that brained Roosevelt, who consequently fell off the racetrack. That hardly seems like the most sporting way to win, especially for a race that features some of our greatest Presidents. Then again, those residing in the District of Columbia probably have a pretty good sense of the sometimes-dirty nature of politics and, in their view, hitting a political opponent with a traffic cone may not be all that out of the ordinary.

Amusing nonetheless.
The Astros broadcasters--whose time was certainly not spent in dissecting all three of the hits that the mighty 'Stros sluggers managed--assembled their own all-presidential MLB teams which, of course, featured current and former players whose first or last name matched up with that of a former President.

Jim Deshaies's choice for pitcher was:

Calvin Coolidge Julius Caesar Tuskahoma McLish.
When this name came across my TV screen, I was encouraged--nay, compelled--to run check out my Bill James Almanac, and Baseball Reference, to determine if this was a real player.

He was, in fact, a real player... and that was his real name. He explained his rather unusual name thusly:
"There were eight kids in my family, and I was the only one my father was permitted to name, so I guess he figured he'd make up for the situation."
So I'd like to congratulate Cal McLish not only on making it onto Jim Deshaies's all-Presidential team, but also on having survived a rather rough childhood--clearly, the man who named him had to have been a habitual crack smoker.

Astros Blow Chunks in 5-1 Loss to gNats

2006-05-24T23:09:00.000-05:00

For a second straight night, the Disastros improved the confidence of another mediocre young pitcher. The recipient tonight was rookie Mike "Warren Spahn" O'Connor who--before tonight--had all of a muscular 28 career innings under his belt. The Astros managed a grand total of 3 hits against the vaunted Nationals pitching staff and, like last night, scored their only run on a solo Morgan Ensberg homer. (Mo would go on to later strike out twice, both times looking.)

Roy Oswalt pitched a brilliant game, allowing only 2 hits and 1 run in 7 innings, before being pulled for Mike Lamb, who punctuated the occasion with a mighty popup to short. Oswalt's only blemish was an obvious balk with a runner on third, two outs, and an 0-2 count to Alfonso Soriano. Roy began his windup, then stepped off and walked towards third base. Balk? No doubt. Yet none of the four umpires, let alone overmatched-and-inconsistent home plate ump Larry Young, called the balk until after Frank Robinson came out to complain. Technically, managers aren't supposed to argue balk calls. Robinson, however, seems to get away with a lot of stuff that would cause other managers to get tossed. I think Frank benefits from having been (a) a Hall of Famer, and (b) the former MLB Dean of Discipline. Given the absolutely pitiful 8th inning collapse by the Astros pen, however, the balk-that-was-but-which-shouldn't-have-been ended up being largely irrelevant.

Our new favorite whipping boy remained on his pace to strike out 183 times with a second-inning, three strike, swing-at-a-ball-in-the-dirt K. Not only did the strikeout fail to capitalize on a potentially momentum-shifting previous dinger by Ensberg, but Wilson's strikeout swing managed to bonk gNats catcher Wiki Gonzalez in the head.

That would prove to be probably more disastrous than PW's mighty wind inasmuch as Gonzalez's liabilities behind the plate may have been of some use to the Astros. On two successive pitches, Gonzalez allowed Brad Ausmus to move from first to third by failing to block O'Connor's curveballs. Adam Everett took advantage of the opportunity to hit with a man in scoring position (90 feet away, in fact) by flying out to the right fielder to end the inning.

Gonzalez also let another O'Connor curveball get past him in the top of the third inning but, alas, the Astros had no baserunners at the time that could advance to be stranded in scoring position. I really have no beef with Wiki Gonzalez, except that my first instinct when I hear his name is to visualize something like this:

Wiki's a fine catcher, except for the part where he has to ... well, you know ... catch. Anyway, the head-knocking of Wiki by PW's bat led Robinson to pull Gonzalez in favor of Matthew LeCroy, who not only did a better job of blocking the plate, but he also scored the gNat's third run on--get this--a wild pitch by Brad Lidge.

Isn't that ironic? Don't you think? A little too ... ironic. Yeah, I really do think.

Another stellar outing by Lidge, too, by the way; he faced four batters in the 8th. He walked LeCroy, then gave up an RBI single to Daryle "Huge Freaking Tub 'o Goo" Ward, an RBI double to Soriano, and another RBI single to Royce Clayton. Great work, pal. Oh, yeah, and he threw the wild pitch that allowed LeCroy to score from third. Won-der-ful. *slow clap*

So another fine effort from Roy-O was wasted tonight. Let's see if we can salvage a split tomorrow from Andy Pettitte before moving on to Pissburgh.

Today's Literary Diversion

2006-05-24T17:33:00.000-05:00

I present a haiku to you for your consideration:

Wind has beset me.
I try to keep from falling;
Preston has struck out.

Oh, yeah, baby. I've got culture growing out of my arse.

By George, We've Done It!!

2006-05-24T15:12:00.000-05:00

Well, it may not be a landmark event in the history of computer programming, but I've managed to figure out how to create a "Special K's Statboard" on the side of the page. I'll try to keep updated Mr. Wilson's dubious "chase" for the record books!

gNats 4, Astros 1

2006-05-24T13:15:00.000-05:00

Rather than bore everybody with the details of what was a rather uninteresting game (except for the absolute moonshot hit by former Astro lardass Daryle Ward), I thought I'd simply offer a few cogent observations:

The Astros have a real knack for making ordinary craptastic pitchers look like the second coming of Cy Young. As with every other such occasion, today's Chronicle is full of the usual "you've got to tip your cap" comments from the Astros... as opposed to owning up to sucking against a lousy pitcher.
Overheard on the radio this morning: "At this point in the season, this isn't about Lane's and [Wilson's] scuffling--it's about their SUCKING."
Also overheard was Preston Wilson's new nickname: "Special K." I like it; I'm going to appropriate it.
Special K's line for last night: 1-for-4, with two punchouts. That brings his season total to 52 strikeouts in 46 games (42 played). He's still on pace to approach Adam Dunn's MLB record for strikeouts in a year: 195. (Wilson's on pace for 183 right now; if he'd played a few more games to this point, he'd be on pace for 201 K's.)
I really need to figure out how to post a graphic on the left side of the page with Special K's current strikeouts and pace.

Analysis of a Preston Wilson At-Bat

2006-05-23T10:56:00.000-05:00

Now that a little over one-quarter of the baseball season is in the books, it's time to look at the Astros' big free agent "splash," Preston Kevin Wilson. (ESPN has him listed as "Preston James David Wilson." Which is it, PW?) Wilson has played in 41 of the Astros' 45 games, and has amassed the following offensive statistics to date:

Batting Average: .244 (19 points below his career average)
Slugging %: .378 (95 points below his career average)
Strikeout/walk ratio: 50:8... WOW.
OBP: .282!!!!

Two-eighty-two! In my last post, I was chastising Christian Guzman for posting a .260 OBP last year... but at least Guzman wasn't expected to produce or, for that matter, penned in to bat in the five-hole. It's nice to see, as well, that the ridiculously short left-field porch in Houston hasn't benefited Preston's slugging in the slightest.

A typical Preston Wilson at-bat goes like this:

Be unable to handle a mid-80s fastball that you should hammer, instead fouling it back.
Turn yourself into a corkscrew swinging at a pitch that never started out a strike, and ended up a foot outside and in the dirt.
Take a pitch that's so far outside that nobody would ever swing at it.
Pride yourself on having a quality at-bat, for working the count.
Take a called third strike right down the heart of the plate.
Stand there in disbelief that you were just rung up again.
Trudge off to the dugout.

Wow, Preston's really been a nice offseason acquisition. No wonder the gNats' lineup--which featured our friend Mr. Wilson--sucked last year.

Astros 10, gNats 3

2006-05-23T09:58:00.000-05:00

Last week I purchased the board game Strat-o-Matic (mostly for the days when the Astros play early games on the East Coast--most of which I miss--or for off days). (I told you I'm a baseball stats geek.) Although the game features 2005 cards, I'm still playing (roughly) according to the 2006 schedule. That means that the Astros started off with three games against the Marlins (who were much stronger in 2005 than their minor-league counterparts this year), followed by three with the Nationals.

*sigh* I have nothing against the Nationals. I always enjoyed seeing the Expos come to town in the 80's and 90's, and was cheering for them in their quest to win the NL East in 1994. Then came the strike, the new rich-get-richer collective bargaining agreement, and the eventual demise of the Expos.

But I just can't figure out how they won 81 games last year, with that lineup. Yeah, yeah, I know--the Astros lineup was worse, and they managed to win despite their offensive shortcomings. Of course, the Astros had Roy Oswalt, a sold-my-soul-to-the-devil year from Andy Pettitte, and Roger Clemens. The gNats had solid--but unspectacular--starting pitching from the top of their rotation.

Their lineup, though... apart from Nick Johnson, who appeared to be the clear favorite to bat third, and Christian Guzman (whose ridiculously low .260 or so OBP was an embarassment to baseball), there was very little to distinguish anybody else in that lineup. They all hit .240-.260ish. Their OBP and slugging percentages were all roughly the same, and not overly impressive.

This year's record (16-29 so far), even with the addition of Soriano, appears closer to what I'd have expected from this squad. We slaughtered Washington's starting pitching last night; wish I'd been at home early to watch the game, instead of having to listen to the inexperienced duo of Dolan and Raymond. I'm still not used to them, and I just don't think I'll ever consider them to be improvements over Alan Ashby (who got completely jobbed).

Perhaps the gNats will have more to offer offensively against Fernando Nieve, whose stuff has yet to impress me this year.

Shafty as a South Park Character

2006-05-22T18:14:00.000-05:00

I can't for the life of me remember where I saw this, but there's a place online where you can turn yourself into a South Park character. So, hey, here's me:

Yer.

Pitcher	Win Shares	Above/Below Expected
Oswalt	3.33	+1.67
Qualls	1.67	+0.67
Nieve	1.33	+0.33
Pettitte	1.00	-0.67
Wheeler	1.00	+0.67
Buchholz	1.00	-0.33
Rodriguez	1.00	-0.33
Lidge	0.67	-0.67
Borkowski	0.67	+0.33
Clemens	0.67	+0.33
Springer	0.67	+0.33
Backe	0.33	+0.33
Sampson	0.33	+0.33
Miller	0.33	Even
Astacio	0.00	Even
Gallo	0.00	-0.33

Year	Games at C	Games at DH	Games at 1B
2005	1	63	23
2004	26	30	23
2003	22	63	17
2002	6	40	8
2001	3	9	2
2000	49	3	3

Smell the Glove

Greatest Commercial Ever?

Erm... Under Construction?

What a Country!

Seven Things I Hate About Cougar High

By the way, Fraud...

How Blind We Were

I'm Almost Too Scared to Write About This

At Least It Wasn't the Cubs.

Vortex Focuses on the Important Things

This Just In: C[ar]rap Still Sucks.

Suckiest Bunch of Sucks Who Ever Sucked

Texans Astros Lose by Two Touchdowns

Carlos Lee?

KABLOOOOOOOIEEEEE.

Special K, We Hardly Knew Ye

Time to Catch Up

Straight Talk

This Is What the Astros Did Last Night...

Nostradamus Still Works Here. And He's Pi$$ed Off.

Different Team, Same Result

Question: How Bad Is This Team?

Cubs 4, Astros... not so much.

Phat-C's Astro Thoughts

Report Card Time, Part 2: "Hitting" (A through E)

Introducing... HR Huff 'n Stuff

Pitching Win Shares, at the Break

Report Card Time, Part 1: Bit, err, Pitching

Tim Purpura, Demigod

Baerga + Maldonado > Miller + Morgan

A Stirring Victory!

*ignites the Blame Thrower*

Mario Williams Interview Astros Game Not Enjoyed by All

Eureka!

Beating King Hippo = Palliative

Today's Stupid Trade Suggestion

Oswalt Throws Chair at Teammates; Clemens Points and Declares, "Ha, Ha."

*sigh*

This Team

Bizarro Astros Lead Team to Victory

Need to "Hate" More Often

Astros Find Way to Lose... AGAIN

The Officially Unofficial Nickname Dictionary

A Great Day for Baseball

Your World Cup Update

Astros Injure Necks in Process of Enthusiastically Tipping Caps to Duckworth

This Just In... the Cubs Suck.

Just Plain, Pure, 100% Awesome

Just Tip Your Cap, Greggie.

Astros 9, Cubs 2

A Footy Post!

Finally Found this Gem...

Don't Throw at the Owls!

Astros 14, Braves 4

MLB's Best Rotation, "When Healthy," Takes Another Hit

I'm Old... or not

Fat Elvis Continues Astros Renaissance

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That...

Jason Grimsley Adds Another Chapter to Storied Career

Canadian "Hide-and-Seek Team" Gets Over on Reporter

Blogger's Crappiness Parallels Kerry Wood's

A Day Late, $10.75 Short

Today's Obsession

Finding of the Day

Nostradamus Works Here

Astros Renaissance Delayed One More Day

Great Artists of the New Millenium

My Lineup

Astros Need a "Power Outage"

Astros Look to Bolster Lineup vs. Cubs, Zambrano

This Just In: Gar[d]ner Did Something Stupid

Pitching 101

Right Now I Pretty Much Hate Mike Gallo

Official Fan Site of Anjay Ajodha

GameCast: Astros vs. Cardinals, 12:10 PM

It Is Done.

Today's Literary Diversion

BIG Win... Astros 6, Cards 3

Venting...

The Current State of Things

ignites the Blame Thrower

sigh