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Monday, July 17, 2006

Phat-C's Astro Thoughts

Top to bottom, here we go... childrens, cover your ears (or eyes, as it may be).
I hate it that the headline for yesterday's disaster on the Astros' website describes the club as "victimized" by the long ball. No, you weren't "victimized." After pounding the ever-living shite out of the Marlins, you bent over, grabbed your ankles, and... well, you know. Stupid.
1. Ausmus - look, I can tolerate your "hitting" (that is to say, the fact that you don't hit and were obviously in faerie land in April)... it's your defense that's kept you on the team. So why is it that of this "run-saving" defense of yours, the only thing that remains is your ability to block the ball? I mean seriously, dude... have you thrown anyone out?
2. Ensberg - will the Body Snatcher that took Morgan please return him? We could sure use him about now. Bizarro Morgan's about hit my last nerve. But then again, he's on the 15-day DL, so whatever.
3. Everett - you're the bomb, dude. Thanks for making plays that keep us from getting blown out in every game. Now if you can just keep hitting, that'd be great.
4. Lidge - pack your bags, punk.
5. Miller - see Lidge.
6. Rodriguez - see Miller.
7. Taveras - you went from being the bomb to being a blowout. Dude, they KNOW you now... mix it up a little. You'd better learn to hit, or you'll be on the plane with 4-6 above. Seriously, I'm willing to give you the rest of the season and the beginning of next year; but you'd better get it together! Freaking hit the ball out of the infield for crying out loud!
Gar[d]ner: Please, please PLEASE... stop using SCRUBS like Miller, Lidge, and Wandy (who's proven he's the Latin Jeriome). They're KILLING us. Guys like this bring teams down (much like Snaggletooth... a.k.a. Tim Redding). Also, please stop mixing the lineup so drastically! If you want to rest one or two guys, fine. But don't tinker us to losses!!!!
That's all I can stomach for now. I'm so freaking going to quit this crap. The boys have a day to contemplate whether they can spread their "run" production out over Marmol, Maddux, and Zambrano. So help me, if we lose the series to the Cubs... you might not hear from me for a LONG, LONG while.


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