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Friday, June 16, 2006

This Just In... the Cubs Suck.

Astros 3, Cubs 2
Let us start by saying thank you...
Thank you, Bob, for giving Brad Ausmus a pitch he could handle. We know you're statistically a reliable guy, but we really appreciate your gift to Brad and, consequently, our team.
Thank you, Todd, for making an easy play look hard. We appreciate your filling in for D-Lee at 1st, especially when it comes to rally-killers. Special K sends you a special, "Peace-Out." Oh, and another thank you for promptly ruining Marty's leadoff single in the bottom of the frame by hitting into a twin-killing.
Thank you, Jac-QUE, for killing about 8,000 worms on your 17-hopper to the plate, just barely missing Fat Lance, who scored what would be the winning run. Looks like the 'roids don't help you throw good.
Thank you, Lizard, for opting not to squeeze another run out after opening the 7th with a leadoff triple. I know, I know, you were probably too busy chewing on your toothpick to remember that you need as many runs as possible. That's why you let Ronnie Cedeno and Roid Nevin swing away.
This game was comical in so many ways. We need to just say an overall thank you to the Cubs. Let me point out a few notables (if you want a recap, click on the "thank you" at the top of the post)...
1) Juan Pierre stole an eye-popping 4 bases. Good thing it helped, seeing as he scored ONCE.
2) The Cubs' website calls Crazy Carlos "Big Z," which is just GAY. Obviously I like "Crazy Carlos" or "Senor Smug" better.
3) The Lizard thought his guys "busted their humps" yesterday. Tell that to: Todd Walker, Ronnie Cedeno, Roid Nevin, Jac-QUE, etc. No, Lizard, they didn't "just come up short." YOU LOST.
4) Zambrano blamed his "lack" of dominance on a heavy arm. This guy is so SMUG (to quote South Park), he loves the smell of his own farts... rrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppp... "MMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...." Come on, Crazy Carlos (sounds like a low-rate furniture store personality... and we've got plenty of them here in Houston), this isn't video-baseball, where you can set the difficulty setting to EASY and throw no-hitters every game. He obviously expects to one-hit us every time he faces us. SORRY...
5) The Lizard decided to pull Cra-ZEE because he was "out of gas." No sh**, Lizard... the guy had thrown 107 pitches already. Oh, wait... that's right. You like to throw guys for 125+. Nevermind.
6) The Lizard said, "You just get tired of the same kind of thing." Then retire, Lizzy. Lizard.
7) I don't particularly like Marty Barrett, but at least he's trying. He seems like the only guy on that club that cares. Yeah, Pierre stole 4 bases... but that seemed more like a stat thing to me.
8) The Cubbies' website says that Cra-ZEE "stifled the Astros for seven innings." Hmmm. Maybe, but if you use that logic, then Nieve "stifled" the Cubbies for 5.2 innings. Compare:
Cra-ZEE: 7 IP, 5 H, 1 ER, 2 BB, 5 K
Nieve: 5.2 IP, 6 H, 2 ER, 0 BB, 0 K
So Nieve gave up one more run, one more hit, and five fewer strikeouts over 1.1 fewer innings. But... he's a rookie. The Cubs' website makes me want to puke. It's the same 'ole propaganda... the 'ole, "We're better than this," line that they'll keep believing until Christ returns. When all else fails (which it's done in 18 of their last 21), blame someone or something else.
9) Walker's Cub-ness shows: (referring to his errant throw) "I still thought he had his foot on the bag, but the ball's got to be online and at least get one." That's right, Toddie... you got robbed.
10) At least Bob Howry spoke like a consummate professional, which means he's on the wrong team: "'Today I didn't make very good pitches,' Howry said. 'I struggled with command, leaving balls up and they hit them. You get a ground ball to first in that situation and you're hoping for one out and get the next guy,' he said. 'The fortunate thing was no one had scored yet and with the bases loaded and one out, you get a ground ball to somebody and you're out of the inning. As ugly as it was, we still could've come out scoreless.'"
Bob, Howry'd you like to pitch for us?
Classic.
So maybe we can continue this great run of four games with a sweep of the ever-cellar-dwelling Royals (sorry, Shafty, but it's true).

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