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Wednesday, June 07, 2006

A Day Late, $10.75 Short

I've been out of commission for a day, largely because I was so scarred by Monday night's horror show and the noxious fumes I ingested from "Berkman" (not Bagwell, Shafty... everybody knows that Berkman has worse gas), who was holding his kid to boot.
Thus, I figured I'd go ahead and let out what has probably been one of the most frustrating observations I've had for some time over our beloved Astros. They are numbered for your reading pleasure. Oh, and the $10.75 refers to how much "nachos" (chips with spicy cheese on them) and a Coke cost me at the ballpark.
Monday's Abominations
1. Serving a steady diet of 94-96 mph fastballs and 85-88 mph sliders, Crazy Carlos Zambrano manages to baffle our hitters. Here's a hint, "hitters": widen your stance, get off the nob, and take a two-strike approach (since you know you're going to have two strikes anyway)!
2. Down 1-0 with one out and runners at 2nd and 3rd in the 2nd Inning, Gar[d]ner pulls the infield in. Nice confidence there, Gar[d].
3. After successfully executing the drawn-in, out-at-the-plate play, The Magnet (b/c his ball seems to uncannily drift over the heart of the plate) manages to get two strikes on Crazy Carlos. CC then fouls off several pitches before launching a ball into the Astros bullpen. HATE.
4. With less than two out and a runner at first, a routine double-play ball is hit to Biggio. He comes up close to the basepath to field it. Instead of flipping to Bruntlett at 2nd and on to 1st for the "twin killing," The Bidge decides to try to tag the runner... and fails. At this point he opts to forego the preferred option of getting the lead runner out, and throws to 1st. Lamb alertly fires to 2nd, but not in time to nab Walker, who would later score on a single.
5. Morgan Ensberg, who currently appears to prefer walking to hitting.
6. The newly dubbed "E-10" (since 10 isn't a position on the field), referring to the horrendous blunder by the Astros' stadium announcer, who announced, "Now batting, Number Seventeen, Lance BERKman..." as Mike Lamb stepped to the plate. Berkman had gotten out in the previous inning.
7. The fact that we almost got no-hit (and ended up getting 1-hit) by Crazy Carlos and the Cubs.
8. Although it was a heroic moment, the fact that Special K/P-Dub/Master K/K Money/K Dawg got our only hit... and that on an inside-out mistake of a HUGE swing. I haven't cheered that hard since Bonds struck out looking, or since Potato Chips drilled him after 5 pitches.
9. There were far too many Cubs fans at Minute Maid Park. And note to you punks: If I go to Bubble Gum Field and the Astros are playing your team, I'll cheer for mine; but I won't make an a$$ of myself by screaming and jeering in someone else's ballpark. You punks probably cheered for the White Sux last year, too. I bet you have posters of A.Gay Peerpunksy on your walls. You probably dream about Scott Roidsednik, too. Neat.
10. The fact that the team lost the game in the second inning.
Don't get me wrong, Berkman looked great at the plate last night, and I'm glad we won; but for crying out loud... on the teams' home page, the top three stories are, in this order:
1) Chris Sampson will make his first ML start.
2) The Astros see potential in some red-faced baby boy named Sapp.
3) Roger owned his opponents in the Single-A game. Wait... should we be surprised by this? For crying out loud, the guy's a freaking future HOF, living legend! I do think it'd be cool to be the adolescent who hit the bomb off him, though. I'd freaking frame that ball.
Then, and only then, is there made mention of last night's win. Ridiculous. Priorities, guys... c'mon!
Oh, and The Mole just couldn't stand not giving up at least one run. He pisses me off.
Have a great day, everybody!


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